The vast exalted sky

[Alexearth]

* I try here to set a mystical atmosphere. Some ambiguity is intended. Also I try to describe a certain musical tone (found for example here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcztJ4hLdNQ) but I'm having trouble. And not sure about "eerie". Please give me any suggestion or opinion



The vast exalted sky
blasting through the tight tainted houses and buildings.


Drops of rain stroke the window of
the empty bar; tables soiled
with stacked ancient hearts-

A first sip from their drink.



Drowned fair ring of backroom slot machines.

Left speakers whisper,
tempting the calm.



A barmaid stares-

Under the cadence,
slow and eerie,

something is changing.


They eye each other for a moment


-

[poe]

interesting piece. What results is unexpected in regards to your title. There's nothing wrong with the unexpected. I get a juxtaposition between the vast exalted sky and the both consequential on a personal scale and inconsequential, human tribulations vis a vis the vastness looming above and everywhere. Perhaps there is more that can be written about both the small human world as well as the great immense naftural world in which we(humans)play out our stories.

[Alexearth]

interesting piece. What results is unexpected in regards to your title. There's nothing wrong with the unexpected. I get a juxtaposition between the vast exalted sky and the both consequential on a personal scale and inconsequential, human tribulations vis a vis the vastness looming above and everywhere. Perhaps there is more that can be written about both the small human world as well as the great immense naftural world in which we(humans)play out our stories.

Interesting answer, Poe. I have to say, I put titles to my poems only on this forum. So the "unexpected" resulting from the title wasn't intended. I use "the vast exalting sky" more to accentuate the atmosphere and make a contrast with the subtle calm indoors.
Thanks for your comment

Alex

[Alexearth]

Hey. I love the tone. I believe you accomplished your goal of eeriness. Why bar and buildings? I feel like it's a very specific place your describing. The bar, right?

Thanks for your comment Flores. I have been always fond of the heavy/electric atmosphere during a storm. A bar is a place where strangers meet and where strange things or impressions can happen.


Alex

[cjchaffin]

i love this:

Drops of rain stroke the window of
the empty bar; tables soiled
with stacked ancient hearts-

A first sip from their drink.

really nice imagery!

i stumbled a bit over

Drowned fair ring of backroom slot machines.

maybe drop fair as it doesn't work well as an adjective here
and use something like drowned out rings of backroom slot machines or similar instead

and perhaps this is just me being dense, but what are left speakers? are you referring to stereo speakers here,
and if so, why only left? you make no mention of the right, that is why i ask. sorry if there is an obvious answer and i'm just not getting it, but i'm curious...

all in all i think this is on the right track and i like the musicality of your word choice. i just have those few hangups that need clarification.

[QDeathstar]

* I try here to set a mystical atmosphere. Some ambiguity is intended. Also I try to describe a certain musical tone (found for example here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcztJ4hLdNQ) but I'm having trouble. And not sure about "eerie". Please give me any suggestion or opinion



The vast exalted sky
blasting through the tight tainted houses and buildings. houses and buildings is redundant, imo. I think perhaps instead of such generic words, what about more descriptive words, "cottages, shacks, alleys, inns" ect?


Drops of rain stroke the window of
the empty bar; tables soiled
with stacked ancient hearts-

A first sip from their drink. I keep tripping over this line, trying to decide who their is



Drowned fair ring of backroom slot machines. slot machine rings I don't feel can be described as "fair", they are typically loud and obnoxious

Left speakers whisper,
tempting the calm.



A barmaid stares-

Under the cadence,
slow and eerie,

something is changing. I like the build up of suspense here.


They eye each other for a moment


-

[billy]

i've read the other pieces of feedback and feel a bit silly because i never got the poem, it was a struggle for me to suss it out.
wish i could have been more helpful

* I try here to set a mystical atmosphere. Some ambiguity is intended. Also I try to describe a certain musical tone (found for example here: but I'm having trouble. And not sure about "eerie". Please give me any suggestion or opinion



The vast exalted sky
blasting through the tight tainted houses and buildings. for me the first two lines are the opposite of eerie. while i like this line, it needs some kind of explanation as to how/why it's tainted


Drops of rain stroke the window of a bit wordy, a suggestion would be rain strokes the window
the empty bar; tables soiled i'd use a period above and start this one with a cap
with stacked ancient hearts-

A first sip from their drink.



Drowned fair ring of backroom slot machines. i can't understand this line, it needs to make some sense,

Left speakers whisper,
tempting the calm.



A barmaid stares-

Under the cadence,
slow and eerie, so you're on about eerie here and not an eerie poem a suggestion would be;

Under the slow
eerie cadence,

something is changing.


They eye each other for a moment


-

[Alexearth]

Thank you Cjchaffin, Qdeathstar and Billy for your comments. Some nice feedback here. I'm really not sure about this poem so they are helpful.

and perhaps this is just me being dense, but what are left speakers? are you referring to stereo speakers here,
and if so, why only left? you make no mention of the right, that is why i ask. sorry if there is an obvious answer and i'm just not getting it, but i'm curious...

"Left is here used as the word "abandoned, left alone" but I see now that it is not that obvious and can easily be mistaken so thanks for the remark

i've read the other pieces of feedback and feel a bit silly because i never got the poem, it was a struggle for me to suss it out.
wish i could have been more helpful

As I said, some ambiguity was intended, so I get that it is hard to understand whats going on (the general point here is that there is a strange vibe happening in a public place). But as I understand Billy, you're not feeling it, so I would be interested to know why and what could be done to make it better

Thanks again

Alex

[Alexearth]

Here is my first personal edit for this one. I would still wish to have more feedback to figure how to really make this work



The vast exalted sky
blasting through the tight tainted venues


Raindrops stroke the window of
the empty bar. Tables soiled
with stacked ancient hearts-

A first sip from his drink.



Drowned out rings

and distant whispers

tempt the calm.



A barmaid stares-

Under the cadence,
slow and dreamy,

something is changing.


They eye each other for a moment