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The beating was to my satisfaction.
It was time for some action.
The bullies asked if I was thirsty for more.
I picked up the ores.
Slumped along my back it was much like a rack.
The bullies laughed and the onlookers gasped.
And yet I deserved it cause precious was perfect (Marilyn Manson said so).
The everlasting party was making me sick.
Promises of Obama care and a sympathetic bitch.
Everybody had a plan for Peter Pan in Neverland.
But Yosemite Sam liked green eggs and ham.
Suggesting I could... dangle from wood.
All by myself... with no one to help.
I didn't ask for this but I felt so passionate.
The world needed aid and I wasn't afraid.
Afraid for myself but was scared for the children.
Scared for the children who felt for the villain.
The mad dog was gunning for me all the time.
And I didn't know how to leave them behind.
Kiss my ass goodbye!
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
From a high school to gollum to peter pan to what?
Thanks Obama!
I'll be there in a minute.
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
Im having a hard time pulling out a coherent thought from of this. It seems like a random assortment of rhymes and cartoon character name drops.
eg.
Suggesting I could... dangle from wood.
All by myself... with no one to help.
I didn't ask for this but I felt so passionate.
Oh kay?
Posts: 9
Threads: 4
Joined: Aug 2014
I agree with the others but I LOVE the line "scared for the children who felt for the villain" now THAT could be an awesome poem. Keep writing!
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Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
PB,
Unfortunately some of the lines the reader needs to understand the most, transmits the least amount of meaning, or none at all.
"Slumped along my back it was much like a rack." What was slumped along your back, and how whatever it is like a rack.
This is an example of purely forced rhyme.
"The bullies asked if I was thirsty for more.
I picked up the ores."
You mean rock, but you says ores, because it rhymes.
________________________________________________
Some of this I might be able to pull together and make some sense out of it, but that is not my job. In truth the title tells me more than the poem. I suspect you are suffering what we all suffer at some point, which is assuming that the reader knows as much as you, but he doesn't. Either through inability to write clearly, or simply not seeing you need to supply the reader more information, this conveys little. As you can see most everybody has commented about this. It might seem sensible to you, but that is because you have all the information.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 378
Threads: 8
Joined: Mar 2013
(08-02-2014, 04:47 AM)Pink_Bunny Wrote: The beating was to my satisfaction.
It was time for some action.
The bullies asked if I was thirsty for more.
I picked up the ores.
Slumped along my back it was much like a rack.
The bullies laughed and the onlookers gasped.
And yet I deserved it cause precious was perfect (Marilyn Manson said so).
The everlasting party was making me sick.
Promises of Obama care and a sympathetic bitch.
Everybody had a plan for Peter Pan in Neverland.
But Yosemite Sam liked green eggs and ham.
Suggesting I could... dangle from wood.
All by myself... with no one to help.
I didn't ask for this but I felt so passionate.
The world needed aid and I wasn't afraid.
Afraid for myself but was scared for the children.
Scared for the children who felt for the villain.
The mad dog was gunning for me all the time.
And I didn't know how to leave them behind.
Kiss my ass goodbye!
Be strong, things will turn around for you. One day u might even beat up the bullies! u live such an amazing life! I've never even seen an angry dog with a gun. Keep your passion.
(deletion pending)
