A Thin Sparkled Swing

[poe]

A golden cage I keep
for all rewards that harvests reap.
And a thin sparkled swing for the parakeet.

Its hung beside the chandelier.
(Its really a lamp but its served the years.)

The parakeet I found one day.
I wondered where it were meant to stay.

I keep her in a golden cage.
The golden cage won't fly away.

We don't talk much, its not my skill.
I'd rather paint or find a hill.

She does well it appears to me.
She savors crumpets but doesn't like tea.

I live just me with my windows wide
That my love will see me and come to my side.

[billy]

a really like this piece, i see some problems with it but it has the makings of a good poem. i like the ambiguity of the penultimate stanza as it could be the women or the parrot.
thanks for the read.

A golden cage I keep, can this be reworded so it doesn't seem like yoda speak? a suggestion would be [i keep a gilded cage] or something along those lines.
for all rewards that harvests reap. [ i think it's harvest's though not a 100% sure)
And a thin sparkled swing for the parakeet. i have no idea why but i love this line, it's as though the parakeet is famous

Its hung beside the chandelier. it's
(Its really a lamp but its served the years.) it's and it's (two different contractions; [it is] and [it has])

The parakeet I found one day.
I wondered where it were meant to stay. a suggestion would be [where it should stay] or [where the thing should stay] or [where the bugger should stay] i think it would make it a bit tighter

I keep her in a golden cage. while i like the golden cage, it feels overused after the first or second time, a suggestion if you change one or two of them is to make sure you don't use gilded cage which really is a big cliche
The golden cage won't fly away.

We don't talk much, its not my skill.
I'd rather paint or find a hill. i like the dalliance of this couplet.

She does well it appears to me.
She savors crumpets but doesn't like tea.

I live just me with my windows wide a semi colon[;] a suggestion [after i live] remove [with] or [my]
That my love will see me and come to my side. feels a bit wordy, for me you could end with a stronger image.

[poe]

Thanks for you critique. Its funny I've been posting stuff all across the board. I mean of my stuff. This was written in the 1980's when I was about 16. I don't have any precious status for my older piece's, as far as editing's concerned. I will fix her up. Thanks again, Billy

[tectak]

A golden cage I keep
for all rewards that harvests reap. "harvests reap" is correct billy. Colon or comma line end but as you begin the next line wth a conjunction it is of no consequence; so keep the "and" then omit the period.
And a thin sparkled swing for the parakeet. Like billy, I just want to eat this line...it is off the wall and wonderful. Envy. Maybe "...and a thin, sparkled (?...ing?) swing for the parakeet

Its hung beside the chandelier. Covered by billy
(Its really a lamp but its served the years.) Covered by billy

The parakeet I found one day.
I wondered where it were meant to stay. Though awkward english it is moot here

I keep her in a golden cage.
The golden cage won't fly away. Just so damned cute!

We don't talk much, its not my skill.
I'd rather paint or find a hill. Again, leave as is. Forced, yes, but this poem is about a poet not a parakeet and I applaud it...er...you

She does well it appears to me.
She savors crumpets but doesn't like tea.

I live just me with my windows wide
That my love will see me and come to my side. Well, I don't know if this is good or bad but if it IS bad it's good that it's bad

Hypo,
Funky, very funky. Bob Dylan could sing this and claim it as his own...but it's your best yet in my opinion.
Best,
tectak
Dylan put his monkey on a log and ordered him to do the dog. He wagged his tail and shook his head, then he went and did the cat instead. Weird monkey. Very funky.

[Alexearth]

Hey Poe,

nice one. Billy and Tectak have covered almost everything I could think of. One extra detail I would add is in the last stanza:

"I live just me with my windows wide
That my love will see me and come to my side. "

I really like it, I would just shortened the last line, make it more fluid. Also maybe replacing "just me"? I would put something else like "alone" but that's my personal taste.

Keep going!
Alex

[Erthona]

Poe,

Shouldn't L7 "were" be "was", "were seems awkward. I was/ They were.

"I live just me with my windows wide" --> I live alone with windows wide.

For the most part this reads as four feet of accentual verse per line, and rhyming couplets. Unfortunately, I have no suggestion for the final line. It significantly diverges from the pattern that most of the poem is written in.

Pretty good poem for a 16 y/o.

Dale

[poe]

Thanks Tec, Billy, Earth, and Alex,
I'm really glad for the encouraging comments. The fact that I wrote it 35 years ago shouldn't make me think its time to hang up the pen, should it?
Best wishes to all a 'ya!
(pouting) poe

[billy]

if you don't get replies on a poem, feel free to bump it after a week , poetry is easy to miss on a site this big.

Thanks for you critique. Its funny I've been posting stuff all across the board. I mean of my stuff. This was written in the 1980's when I was about 16. I don't have any precious status for my older piece's, as far as editing's concerned. I will fix her up. Thanks again, Billy

[Pink_Bunny]

I guess it helped reading this in the voice of the girl I formally knew as Poe. Nice little rhyme you had going. My mother had a bird named Dick when she was a lass. He sang and you know something, he probably would have liked a crumpet too the way that precious likes English muffins on a rainy Monday.

Kisses!