Twin Poems Inspired by "An Appointment in Samarra"

[alatos]

Obviously, the meter needs a bunch of work. But suggestions other than that are very much appreciated.

The Servant
The fear is surging through my veins. The sweat
glues dust onto my feet. The words I try
to scream ahead, my tongue seems to forget.
My only thought: I do not want to die.
My master meets me as I run inside.
He asks me why I shake, so short of breath.
I stutter “I must run away and hide:
at market, I came face to face with death.
Her waxy skin a thin veil on her bones,
glazed eyes rolled back, her hood drawn low, her hair
long gone… she grabbed my arm. With mourner’s moans
she gasped my name, and gripped me with her stare.
Now to Samarra I must ride, and there
stay locked away, to pass the night in prayer.


Death
I peel my crackled, greasy lips, and greet
him with a putrid grin. His face drains grey,
his body shakes: what did he think he’d meet?
I pass him by, and whisper “Not today.”
But as I walk away, he grabs my cloak.
He croaks “My servant boy… you let him be. ”
I laugh, and turn, and watch the fat man choke.
“Good sir, I have to ask you pardon me,
for I was merely shocked to find your slave
on Baghdad’s filthy streets a bit ago:
this very night I take him to his grave.
I did not expect him here this morn, no
not at all… not here, in this bazaar, a
soul I’m to meet tonight in Samarra.”

[billy]

the meter doesn't need that much work, L2 and L10 in the first starts with a stressed syl as does the 13th and 14th in the 2nd sonnet.
there could be more but i'm not skilled enough to scan it all correctly so there could be a couple more faults. there are instances where you can have 11 syllables (with a femine ending) and then 9 syls in the next line starting with a stressed syllable. so that could be one way to go though i'm not sure they can be done in the last two lines.

great effort at the double sonnet they do set opposing views and show two sides of the coin

Obviously, the meter needs a bunch of work. But suggestions other than that are very much appreciated.

The Servant
The fear is surging through my veins. The sweat
glues dust onto my feet. The words I try
to scream ahead, my tongue seems to forget.
My only thought: I do not want to die.
My master meets me as I run inside.
He asks me why I shake, so short of breath.
I stutter “I must run away and hide:
at market, I came face to face with death.
Her waxy skin a thin veil on her bones,
glazed eyes rolled back, her hood drawn low, her hair
long gone… she grabbed my arm. With mourner’s moans
she gasped my name, and gripped me with her stare.
Now to Samarra I must ride, and there
stay locked away, to pass the night in prayer.


Death
I peel my crackled, greasy lips, and greet
him with a putrid grin. His face drains grey,
his body shakes: what did he think he’d meet?
I pass him by, and whisper “Not today.”
But as I walk away, he grabs my cloak.
He croaks “My servant boy… you let him be. ”
I laugh, and turn, and watch the fat man choke.
“Good sir, I have to ask you pardon me:
I was merely shocked finding your poor slave
on Baghdad’s filthy streets a bit ago,
for this same night, I walk him to his grave.
I did not expect him here this morn, no
not at all… not here, in this bazaar, a the a doesn't work sonically or any other way
soul I’m to meet tonight in Samarra.”

[poetryattempted]

I love the structure of the poem and the 2 perspectives. When reading it, I had trouble knowing how you wanted me to interpret the ... I was reading them like a : but wasn't really sure why you'd use ... I'm new to the forum, so please forgive me if I'm missing something.