Posts: 65
Threads: 23
Joined: Apr 2014
Flutter, flutter, you are the utter
romance of the breath.
A fibrillation of intent upon your object,
heaven sent:
beauty in its pure incantation.
Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath...
the fern feathered eyelashes' fluttered moment went.
An image in the mind
carried through a river in the eyes
waxed wild and wide enough
for shooting sparks to fly inside..
The hostage is entrained:
“(She is beauty and divine,
what is chief is she be mine.)”
Do angels chortle (but jealously)
when imbibing what they see?
Or admonish clumsily:
Don't you know that,
beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend,
but then falls down
as earth's revenge?
Flutter, flutter, you are the
sodden longings of the heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure.
Though time betrays all but the memory
of the once fresh and young.
Beauty will cause this flutter to flutter by, and by
the newly aching heart.
Posts: 294
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
No time to do line by line but wanted to comment that "heaven sent" is way cliché.
And I find there are way too many flutters in here. Yes, it is the title and the content of the poem...but I found myself dreading that there would be another one as I read, and there was.
I kind of like the sporadic rhyme with no form...some of the purists might find it hard to swallow.
You've done some good work on it here, I think it needs just a tuck and pinch here and there and you'll be done.
mel.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
[quote='poe' pid='170314' dateline='1406316435']
Flutter, flutter, you are the utter
romance of the breath.
A fibrillation of intent upon your object,
heaven sent:
beauty in its pure incantation.
Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath...
the fern feathered eyelashes' fluttered moment went.
An image in the mind
carried through a river in the eyes
waxed wild and wide enough
for shooting sparks to fly inside..
The hostage is entrained:
“(She is beauty and divine,
what is chief is she be mine.)”
Do angels chortle (but jealously)
when imbibing what they see?
Or admonish clumsily:
Don't you know that,
beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend,
but then falls down
as earth's revenge?
Flutter, flutter, you are the
sodden longings of the heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure.
Though time betrays all but the memory
of the once fresh and young.
Beauty will cause this flutter to flutter by, and by
the newly aching heart.
Where is the reworked version? I was looking forward to it.Have you posted the original in serious error?
Best,
tectak
Posts: 65
Threads: 23
Joined: Apr 2014
I apologize. I left out the original. That was the rework. The original, now, follows below. Thanks, Tectak.
(07-26-2014, 07:29 PM)tectak Wrote: [quote='poe' pid='170314' dateline='1406316435']
Flutter, flutter, you are the utter
romance of the breath.
A fibrillation of intent upon your object,
heaven sent:
beauty in its pure incantation.
Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath...
the fern feathered eyelashes' fluttered moment went.
An image in the mind
carried through a river in the eyes
waxed wild and wide enough
for shooting sparks to fly inside..
The hostage is entrained:
“(She is beauty and divine,
what is chief is she be mine.)”
Do angels chortle (but jealously)
when imbibing what they see?
Or admonish clumsily:
Don't you know that,
beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend,
but then falls down
as earth's revenge?
Flutter, flutter, you are the
sodden longings of the heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure.
Though time betrays all but the memory
of the once fresh and young.
Beauty will cause this flutter to flutter by, and by
the newly aching heart.
Where is the reworked version? I was looking forward to it.Have you posted the original in serious error?
Best,
tectak
[quote='tectak' pid='170354' dateline='1406370542']
[quote='poe' pid='170314' dateline='1406316435']
Original
Flutter, flutter, you are the utter
romance of the breath.
A fibrillation of intent upon your object,
heaven sent:
beauty in its pure incantation.
Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath.
The fern feathered eyelashes' fluttered moment went.
It tricked the eye to believe it let sparkles fly.
So, while beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend,
it then falls down again
as earth's revenge.
Flutter, flutter, you are the
hope, hoped, and hoping of my heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure?
Time betrays all but the memory
of the once fresh and young.
But, beauty will cause this flutter, to flutter, now
the newly aching heart.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(07-26-2014, 09:01 PM)poe Wrote: I apologize. I left out the original. That was the rework. The original, now, follows below. Thanks, Tectak.
[quote='tectak' pid='170354' dateline='1406370542']
[quote='poe' pid='170314' dateline='1406316435']
Flutter, flutter, you are the utter
romance of the breath.
A fibrillation of intent upon your object,
heaven sent:
beauty in its pure incantation.
Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath...
the fern feathered eyelashes' fluttered moment went.
An image in the mind
carried through a river in the eyes
waxed wild and wide enough
for shooting sparks to fly inside..
The hostage is entrained:
“(She is beauty and divine,
what is chief is she be mine.)”
Do angels chortle (but jealously)
when imbibing what they see?
Or admonish clumsily:
Don't you know that,
beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend,
but then falls down
as earth's revenge?
Flutter, flutter, you are the
sodden longings of the heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure.
Though time betrays all but the memory
of the once fresh and young.
Beauty will cause this flutter to flutter by, and by
the newly aching heart.
Where is the reworked version? I was looking forward to it.Have you posted the original in serious error?
Best,
tectak
(07-26-2014, 07:29 PM)tectak Wrote: [quote='poe' pid='170314' dateline='1406316435']
Original
Flutter, flutter, you are the utter
romance of the breath.
A fibrillation of intent upon your object,
heaven sent:
beauty in its pure incantation.
Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath.
The fern feathered eyelashes' fluttered moment went.
It tricked the eye to believe it let sparkles fly.
So, while beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend,
it then falls down again
as earth's revenge.
Flutter, flutter, you are the
hope, hoped, and hoping of my heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure?
Time betrays all but the memory
of the once fresh and young.
But, beauty will cause this flutter, to flutter, now
the newly aching heart.
Well , that sure beats the shit out'a me. I still don't get it.
Huh? As I said before.
Don't you know that,
beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend,
but then falls down
as earth's revenge? Nope...and I ask again, why does a mouse when it spins?
“(She is beauty and divine,
what is chief is she be mine.)”
Chief Sitting Bull? I am lost. It must be me. Help.
A fibrillation of intent upon your object,
Aw...the hell....this is deja vu.
Best,
tectak
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