The Bee

[Mikeodial]

As observed, the bee seems the perfect servant,
traveling from one location to another.
Random, but somehow perfect,
appearing distracted yet always at work.

Living in that smaller world, to us,
we look down on them,
and receive their toil over breakfast toast,
or other parts of life which require sweetening.

Thinking ourselves better, because we can think.

[Image: http://latebreakingcatholic.files.wordpr...07/bee.jpg]

[KatBrown]

I just love the beautiful imagery you present in this piece. I'm inclined to want to take the view of the worker bee and imagine how he must view the larger world around him as well. I also appreciate this piece because as you know I'm sure, bumble bees are such a vital part of our eco-system and are becoming an endangered species. Sometimes I think we won't sit up and take notice until we're not able to enjoy honey over toast. Just loved it! Thank for your toil.

[tectak]

As observed, the bee seems the perfect servant, "As observed" is reduntant. Of course it is "as observed".
traveling from one location to another. Better a semi colon here as the last two lines do not a sentence make. Nicely observed but lacking in imagery. Somewhat statemental but suited, perhaps, to the concept.
Random, but somehow perfect,
appearing distracted yet always at work. Yes to this but again, blankly stated though wistful. You need to colour up the imagery to make it work...as it is you are watching a bee and telling me what I already know. Show don't tell.

Living in that smaller world, to us, "to us" is reduntantly tautological
we look down on them, Rather clumsy.The "to us" refers to what went before or what went after or both? No comma after "them". You follow with a conjunction and you line-break....surely that is enough?
and receive their toil over breakfast toast,
or other parts of life which require sweetening. There is a nice double entendre which again, is just this side of barren in the imagery department, having no metaphor or simile in the observation....even though you do allude to the extension of sweetness (or otherwise) of life, you do not take the thing by the horns and shake out the distillate. Still, a clean thought and maybe that is how you want it. The real problem though, is that you miss opportunities. We do not "receive their toil" but we recieve the "product of their toil" and in the latter case imagery would be relatively easy to create.

Thinking ourselves better, because we can think. Good closing thought, it is commitment verse, but I stopped breathing because it is just NOT a sentence. You inged your way in to Gerund Crescent and found it was, in fact, a cul de sac. Better, surely, would be:
"We think ourselves better...because we can think".
Overall, there is promise here but even in a short-form verse you could make more of what is, after all, an OBSERVATIONAL piece. The imagery is sadly lacking and I cannot find an example of it which is anything other than strictly photographic in the whole piece. The concatenated allusion to sweet life/bitter life was not given enough weight.
Best,
tectak

[Image: http://latebreakingcatholic.files.wordpr...07/bee.jpg]

[KROD]

As observed, the bee seems the perfect servant,
traveling from one location to another.
Random, but somehow perfect,
appearing distracted yet always at work.

Living in that smaller world, to us,
we look down on them,
and receive their toil over breakfast toast,
or other parts of life which require sweetening.

Thinking ourselves better, because we can think.

[Image: http://latebreakingcatholic.files.wordpr...07/bee.jpg]

Hey, I'm not sure "as observed" is right here.(L1) I probably would add more to help with giving this piece more imagery. I like the idea you're going with here so help me "see" it better. Something about the last line that doesn't seem right but cant put my finger on it. Thanks for writing!

[billy]

while parts are okay others are to laden with wasted word (verbiage)
i can't pick out the good parts because they reside amongst the not so good stuff. cleaned up the poem will improve tenfold.

As observed, the bee seems the perfect servant, [as observed] is it really needed as it's a given
traveling from one location to another. not sure traveling is the best descriptor of bee movement you could use, buzz/bumble/flit/and a hundred more would be better at creating the image that's needed.
Random, but somehow perfect, [somehow] isn't needed
appearing distracted yet always at work.

Living in that smaller world, to us, something other than living would help the image]
we look down on them, how and why? [it's also a cliche]
and receive their toil over breakfast toast, the fruit of there toil, unless they butter the toast.
or other parts of life which require sweetening.

Thinking ourselves better, because we can think. this line isn't needed and adds nothing as it's a given we okay, most of us) are more intelligent

[Image: http://latebreakingcatholic.files.wordpr...07/bee.jpg]

[John Galt]

As observed, the bee seems the perfect servant,
traveling from one location to another.
Random, but somehow perfect,
There is, for the most part, nothing random whatsoever in where a bee forages, they go to wherever they are through a variety of "tells." You need to put some work in to gain knowledge of your subject.
appearing distracted yet always at work.
My garden is full of bees, and I watch them a lot, they do not seem "distracted" to me, on the contrary they are very focused.


Living in that smaller world, to us,
we look down on them,
and receive their toil over breakfast toast,
or other parts of life which require sweetening.

Thinking ourselves better, because we can think.

The first 2 lines are nonsense. We may look down on them as a matter of course, (if we are standing up I suppose) but what if the bee is on a plant as tall as us, or we are sitting down. That is how preposterous your first 2 lines have made me think.

To generalise that people think they are "better than bees" because they can "think" is nonsense.

I hope you can laugh at how I have phrased my thoughts, keep writing, JG.


[Image: http://latebreakingcatholic.files.wordpr...07/bee.jpg]