We Remember

[Brian]

By Brian Johns
10-21-06

I know its rather long, so many feelings went into penning this.

It was a drunk driver
You were out with your friends
He crossed the center line
This is where your life ends
We’ll never know
The things you would have done
You were still in college
Almost twenty-one

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who killed you that night
His truck hit you
With all its might
Our phone rang
At a quarter past four
I couldn’t believe
What I was hearing
I nearly fell to the floor
The tears flow down
As we put you in the ground
On this cold winter day
Nothing will ever be the same
It is all such a shame

We remember
It was a drunk driver
That made us lay you to rest
You exist only in our hearts now
Forever you will always be the best
They planted a Maple tree
In your memory
They built a memorial in the park
Your candle is out now
Forever to be dark

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who started us down this path
It’s really terrible
If you do the math
No more birthdays
Or holidays with your laugh
No more hugs or kisses
You’ll never get married
Or have any children
You were such a
“one in a million”
Sometimes we see you
While driving down the highway
I thought I saw you in the mall
When I turned to look again
There was no one at all
Sometimes we hear your voices
We try to follow the sound
Then we realize
There is no one around

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who took your life from us
How can we ever forgive him
Would someone please tell me
Why your life had to end
It wasn’t your fault
He shouldn’t have been over there
Obviously, he really didn’t care
We’ll forever remember you
So young and pretty
At only twenty
You had already touched so many
With an infectious smile
And a contagious giggle
Even though
You were so little

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who ruined the day
Life is so unfair
Why did you
Have to go this way
We will never forget
How you came along
Just that you
Are like a bird without a song
You will always be with us
Like the mountains and the sea
Always in our hearts
Locked without a key

[KatBrown]

It has been my experience when I write about painful experiences my initial writings a are very raw and I tend to gush. The good part is that I'm getting my thoughts out on paper, but often when I go back and reflect I realize because I'm a rhymer that I often don't develop my ideas enough, but instead settle for something that allows the rhyme to work. I think that might be the case here. There is so much beautiful, raw honesty here, but it feels underdeveloped. Maybe revisit it a section at a time and give yourself the opportunity to see if the words want to take you in a different direction of expressing that same idea.

I find the first stanza is very strong. The second stanza is a battle between wanting to get your ideas out and trying to maintain the rhyme. It kind of loses its flow. Each following stanza is similar. There are strong ideas woven throughout, but the corresponding rhymes need to carry the same gravity in expression. For example...(It was a drunk driver that made us lay you to rest You exist now only in our hearts. Forever you will always be the best) The last line weakens the previous because of it's predictability. Just sit with this some more it's really precious.

[KROD]

By Brian Johns
10-21-06

I know its rather long, so many feelings went into penning this.

It was a drunk driver
You were out with your friends
He crossed the center line
This is where your life ends
We’ll never know
The things you would have done
You were still in college
Almost twenty-one

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who killed you that night
His truck hit you_ I'm not sure you need this
With all its might I'm not sure you need this
Our phone rang
At a quarter past four
I couldn’t believe
What I was hearing
I nearly fell to the floor
The tears flow down
As we put you in the ground
On this cold winter day
Nothing will ever be the same
It is all such a shame [b] I'm not sure you need this[/b]

We remember
It was a drunk driver
That made us lay you to rest [b]Might be redundant [/b]
You exist only in our hearts now
Forever you will always be the best
They planted a Maple tree [b]Look to shorten this maybe [/align][/b]
In your memory
They built a memorial in the park
Your candle is out now
Forever to be dark

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who started us down this path
It’s really terrible b] I'm not sure you need this[/b]
If you do the math b] I'm not sure you need this[/b]
No more birthdays
Or holidays with your laugh
No more hugs or kisses
You’ll never get married
Or have any children
You were such a
“one in a million”
Sometimes we see you
While driving down the highway
I thought I saw you in the mall
When I turned to look again
There was no one at all
Sometimes we hear your voices
We try to follow the sound
Then we realize
There is no one around

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who took your life from us
How can we ever forgive him
Would someone please tell me
Why your life had to end
It wasn’t your fault
He shouldn’t have been over there
Obviously, he really didn’t care
We’ll forever remember you
So young and pretty
At only twenty
You had already touched so many
With an infectious smile
And a contagious giggle
Even though
You were so little

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who ruined the day
Life is so unfair
Why did you
Have to go this way
We will never forget
How you came along
Just that you
Are like a bird without a song
You will always be with us
Like the mountains and the sea
Always in our hearts
Locked without a key

I like the imagery that this brings. Sometimes when we write from a personal experience that may have been painful ( not sure if this is) its ok to just get your thoughts down. If you want to make it a poem for others to read, then we go back and do some editing. I would say to you to keep the emotional content there but perhaps looking where you can take parts out to keep the emotion strong. Try not to get so fixated on rhyme at the expense of conveying your message,theme, etc. You repeat "we remember it was a drunk driver" sort of like a chorus in a song. I just made notes where I don't think that part is needed ( i think there's more to edit but its your work . I like it though,lollol???????tectak

[Brian]

I sincerely Thank each of you for your thoughts and critique. I will try to revise it with advise from each of you.

The poem is about my niece.

[billy]

hi brian.

the poem feels forced in places and i knew what was going to be written before i saw and generally the rhymes were also expected.

Who killed you that night
His truck hit you
With all its might

the other thing that hit me was a lack of depth or emotion, and that each verse was pretty much the same as the proceeding one; try and make each verse point out a different aspect of the poem.

finally, look out for words/phrases verse that say very little or are phrases that have been use many times before by other poets, erase them
or rephrase them in the form of an image/simile/metaphor that carries more depth emotion etc.

thanks for the read.

By Brian Johns
10-21-06

I know its rather long, so many feelings went into penning this.

It was a drunk driver
You were out with your friends
He crossed the center line
This is where your life ends
We’ll never know
The things you would have done
You were still in college
Almost twenty-one

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who killed you that night
His truck hit you
With all its might
Our phone rang
At a quarter past four
I couldn’t believe
What I was hearing
I nearly fell to the floor
The tears flow down
As we put you in the ground
On this cold winter day
Nothing will ever be the same
It is all such a shame

We remember
It was a drunk driver
That made us lay you to rest
You exist only in our hearts now
Forever you will always be the best
They planted a Maple tree this is the first line that really says something solid, use this image to generate more and center the poem around those.
In your memory
They built a memorial in the park
Your candle is out now
Forever to be dark

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who started us down this path
It’s really terrible
If you do the math
No more birthdays
Or holidays with your laugh
No more hugs or kisses
You’ll never get married
Or have any children
You were such a
“one in a million”
Sometimes we see you
While driving down the highway
I thought I saw you in the mall
When I turned to look again
There was no one at all
Sometimes we hear your voices
We try to follow the sound
Then we realize
There is no one around

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who took your life from us
How can we ever forgive him
Would someone please tell me
Why your life had to end
It wasn’t your fault
He shouldn’t have been over there
Obviously, he really didn’t care
We’ll forever remember you
So young and pretty
At only twenty
You had already touched so many
With an infectious smile
And a contagious giggle
Even though
You were so little

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who ruined the day
Life is so unfair
Why did you
Have to go this way
We will never forget
How you came along
Just that you
Are like a bird without a song
You will always be with us
Like the mountains and the sea
Always in our hearts
Locked without a key

[maximumjake]

By Brian Johns
10-21-06

I know its rather long, so many feelings went into penning this.

It was a drunk driver
You were out with your friends
He crossed the center line
This is where your life ends
We’ll never know
The things you would have done
You were still in college
Almost twenty-one

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who killed you that night
His truck hit you
With all its might This is weak, replace with a more concrete image.
Our phone rang
At a quarter past four
I couldn’t believe
What I was hearing
I nearly fell to the floor
The tears flow down
As we put you in the ground
On this cold winter day something else besides cold would work better here. Something more descriptive.
Nothing will ever be the same
It is all such a shame

We remember
It was a drunk driver
That made us lay you to rest I think you can just delete the first 3 lines of this stanza...since its just senseless repetition.
You exist only in our hearts now
Forever you will always be the best This sounds extremely weak. Change it.
They planted a Maple tree I agree with billy. This is the center image of your poem. I didn't even read billy's reply before reading your poem, and I came to the exact conclusion he did.
In your memory
They built a memorial in the park
Your candle is out now
Forever to be dark

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who started us down this path
It’s really terrible
If you do the math
No more birthdays
Or holidays with your laugh
No more hugs or kisses
You’ll never get married
Or have any children
You were such a
“one in a million”
Sometimes we see you
While driving down the highway
I thought I saw you in the mall
When I turned to look again
There was no one at all
Sometimes we hear your voices
We try to follow the sound
Then we realize
There is no one around

We remember
It was a drunk driver I guess you really like this repetition. I personally am not feeling it.
Who took your life from us
How can we ever forgive him
Would someone please tell me
Why your life had to end
It wasn’t your fault
He shouldn’t have been over there
Obviously, he really didn’t care
We’ll forever remember you
So young and pretty
At only twenty
You had already touched so many
With an infectious smile
And a contagious giggle
Even though
You were so little

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who ruined the day
Life is so unfair
Why did you
Have to go this way
We will never forget
How you came along
Just that you
Are like a bird without a song
You will always be with us
Like the mountains and the sea
Always in our hearts
Locked without a key

[tectak]

By Brian Johns
10-21-06

I know its rather long, so many feelings went into penning this.

It was a drunk driver
You were out with your friends
He crossed the center line
This is where your life ends
We’ll never know
The things you would have done
You were still in college
Almost twenty-one

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who killed you that night
His truck hit you
With all its might This is weak, replace with a more concrete image.
Our phone rang
At a quarter past four
I couldn’t believe
What I was hearing
I nearly fell to the floor
The tears flow down
As we put you in the ground
On this cold winter day something else besides cold would work better here. Something more descriptive.
Nothing will ever be the same
It is all such a shame

We remember
It was a drunk driver
That made us lay you to rest I think you can just delete the first 3 lines of this stanza...since its just senseless repetition.
You exist only in our hearts now
Forever you will always be the best This sounds extremely weak. Change it.
They planted a Maple tree I agree with billy. This is the center image of your poem. I didn't even read billy's reply before reading your poem, and I came to the exact conclusion he did.
In your memory
They built a memorial in the park
Your candle is out now
Forever to be dark

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who started us down this path
It’s really terrible
If you do the math
No more birthdays
Or holidays with your laugh
No more hugs or kisses
You’ll never get married
Or have any children
You were such a
“one in a million”
Sometimes we see you
While driving down the highway
I thought I saw you in the mall
When I turned to look again
There was no one at all
Sometimes we hear your voices
We try to follow the sound
Then we realize
There is no one around

We remember
It was a drunk driver I guess you really like this repetition. I personally am not feeling it.
Who took your life from us
How can we ever forgive him
Would someone please tell me
Why your life had to end
It wasn’t your fault
He shouldn’t have been over there
Obviously, he really didn’t care
We’ll forever remember you
So young and pretty
At only twenty
You had already touched so many
With an infectious smile
And a contagious giggle
Even though
You were so little

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who ruined the day
Life is so unfair
Why did you
Have to go this way
We will never forget
How you came along
Just that you
Are like a bird without a song
You will always be with us
Like the mountains and the sea
Always in our hearts
Locked without a key

Hi, taking everything in to account I would have to agree with the previous crits but looking only at the poem, I would delete everything except for the maple tree stanza...and I am not sure about that.
Side Note. You have got this out of your system but ruined any poetic intent by declaring it veracious. Now it is difficult to crit impartially, but not impossible. The last verse is just total cliche and is the sort of stuff that newspapers compile for obituaries-on-demand.
I really would like to see you write something else.
Best,
tectak