History

[Tiger the Lion]

History


There's some history between
the Coke machine and me.
Once,
hungover,
in 100 degrees,
I kicked it in the ribs
for gypping me
out of a buck's worth of sugar-
'till it coughed up.

[Keith]

History


There's some history between
the Coke machine and me.
Once,
hungover,
in 103,
I kicked it in the ribs
for gypping me
out of a buck's worth of sugar-
'till it coughed up.

gypping is a new word for me, so thanks for that, I liked the sugar rush violence in this one, made me smile the double use of coughed up is rather clever too. Best Keith

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks Keith, for reading and commenting. I wanted the speaker to sound like the bad guy, a bully gloating over a thin win.
Paul

[Erthona]

Paul,

I can go with it until "a buck's worth of sugar". To me it seems a bit of hyperbole that does nothing for the poem, and makes the reading awkward. It was easier to just re-write this than explain the reason. I'm not saying it should be this way, more as it something to compare and contrast with. I only go to this trouble because I think it is a neat idea. It is only the presentation that suffers some.

There's history between me
and this dented Coke machine.
Sometime last summer,
dry mouthed and hungover
in 103 degree heat,
I kicked it in the ribs
for gypping me
until it coughed
up a buck's worth
of caramel and caffeine.


Anyway, I know this is in miscellaneous forum, and one doesn't generally give a critique, per se, but this one seemed to want one, and who am I to argue with a poem.

dale the tinkerer

[billy]

i'm reminded of the pickers series. i like the nostalgia and the kick in the ribs, i own up to being with dale on the sugar line but yes, i enjoyed it a lot

History


There's some history between
the Coke machine and me.
Once,
hungover,
in 100 degrees,
I kicked it in the ribs
for gypping me
out of a buck's worth of sugar-
'till it coughed up.

[Tiger the Lion]

Dale and Billy. I am always pleased to hear your thoughts, whatever forum I might post in. Where I post it is mostly a reflection of how seriously I might take the piece. I agree with you both about the second to last line. (caffeine might work here somehow - thx Dale) Because I wanted it to be an awkwardly rhyming poem that gives up the rhyme completely in the end. I do this quite often. Do you guys think this is a style habit I should move away from or just improve upon?
Thanks for your time. - Paul

Also, a side note: I changed "in 103" to "in 100 degrees" about 12 hours before the change appeared on the thread. Is this common? I think I used quick edit at the time.

[Erthona]

Paul,

"I wanted it to be an awkwardly rhyming poem that gives up the rhyme completely in the end. I do this quite often. Do you guys think this is a style habit I should move away from or just improve upon?"

This is something I have been doing for years, where one uses various aspect of the form and other tropes to accentuate. I think it is a valid thing to try and practice on, but be prepared for it to fail more than it succeeds, that's my experience at least. A poem I wrote (below) used the sonnet form to begin with, but as the reader sees the woman is somewhat less than perfect, the sonnet form begins to derogate at pace with the negative facts are revealed.

She was almost a sonnet

Shall I compare you to the moon at night?
When pregnant round and glowing should be soft,
But instead, hard cold edges of reflected light,
Anger, not love, keeps this light aloft.
Or, maybe to the gentle summer sun?
A warm and lusty caress of love’s passion,
But instead of love, gives forth a burn,
From your sharp tongue’s lashing.
No, I will not demean the moon or sun,
For such a woman as you,
I’ll flee from such comparisons,
As from the sun does morning dew.



Updating should be instantaneous, although the site was down for awhile for maintenance which could have something to do with it or not. My experience has been that once the page reloads, the changes will be there.

Dale

[Namyh]

TigerL - I like the everyday language this work communicates without grammatical interference or expression alteration. Sometimes it's just good to pen poetical works in the everyday language non-poetic people speak and can understand. Enjoyed your work here TL. Namyh