The Iberian cry

[Alexearth]

Steamy night shivers
and dog days-
through crowded rites,
thumping venues and pouring veins,
spitted visages and corpses
flood the betrayed pavement, land.

Soon the Iberian cry
will bring the Counts
the palpitations of the next few hours-

Run deviants from hotel rooms and crummy apartments
onto abandoned soil, starting the stomping the sweating,
breathing the excess in clouds of dust and heat,
and living always a step further as if
yesterday wasn't enough and later
there would be no catching up.

[maximumjake]

Steamy night shivers
and dog days-
through crowded rites,
thumping venues and pouring veins,
spitted visages and corpses
flood the betrayed pavement, land.

Soon the Iberian cry
will bring the Counts
the palpitations of the next few hours-

Run deviants from hotel rooms and crummy apartments
onto abandoned soil, starting the stomping the sweating,
breathing the excess in clouds of dust and heat, Line 2 and 3 are unclear. Something like starting the stomping of what, the sweating of what, and excess what? Clouds of dust? Heat?
and living always a step further as if
yesterday wasn't enough and later
there would be no catching up.

I'm not a history buff, but I'm guessing your poem has something to do with a historical event which went down in Iberia at some point.

[Wjames]

Steamy night shivers
and dog days-
through crowded rites, What is through crowded rites? If it's the hot summer as alluded to in the first two lines, you could use a better word than through.
thumping venues and pouring veins,
spitted visages and corpses visages seems out of place with all the other gritty language you use.
flood the betrayed pavement, land.

Soon the Iberian cry
will bring the Counts
the palpitations of the next few hours- Perhaps you could get rid of some of the "the's. There's a section where 3 of 6 words are "the".

Run deviants from hotel rooms and crummy apartments
onto abandoned soil, starting the stomping the sweating, there should be a comma after stomping, or "the" should be changed to "and" imo. Again there's a section where 3 of 6 words are "the", you might want to get rid of some here too.
breathing the excess in clouds of dust and heat,
and living always a step further as if
yesterday wasn't enough and later
there would be no catching up.

I guess this is about a battle between the Spanish and/or Portugese and some Native Americans. It's sort of crudely written, and I'm having trouble detailing much of what is going on except for some kind of a battle.

[Alexearth]

Thank you for your comments, there are some good corrections. I'll come back in a while with an edit for this one


Alex