It is funny how we learn.
the way humans learn
or at least me.-a
It always takes that heavy hand.
That powerful jolt to my heart to recapture the presence of spirit
soy el burro of this world.-f
My stomach and cup are full to the brim.
Gluttony is Good?-e
Ever-Present,
why are you so burdensome?
One part of three but, what is duality
or thrice, for that matter
3 is 1 and 1 is 3.
The beast of burden is ye?-d
Selah
So why does the spirit always flee or better yet me from you?
Why was the new covenant brought by your blood?
Why would I question you?
Just carry - BURRO! -f
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In the depths of darkness you always strengthen me.
enmity -the double edge sword.-g
Never doubt that it indeed has two edges and cuts
it also has a sheath, one sheath.-h
That carries the sword. -c
ZM
f-Job 41
g-Matthew 14, 35-39.
c-Matthew 26 50-54
a-Matthew 13 15 amen
b-Matthew- 16
h- Matthew 23, 32
d-Job 7
e-Job 22, 7-11
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Joined: Jul 2014
(07-17-2014, 07:40 AM)zmeansy Wrote: It is funny how we learn.
the way humans learn
To me "the way humans learn" is implied by your first line. It's unneeded. Instead try to come up with an effective image here, or just embellish your first line with an example of how its funny how we learn.
or at least me.-a
It always takes that heavy hand.
That powerful jolt to my heart to recapture the presence of spirit
soy el burro of this world.-f
My stomach and cup are full to the brim.
Gluttony is Good?-e
Ever-Present,
why are you so burdensome?
One part of three but, what is duality
or thrice, for that matter
3 is 1 and 1 is 3.
The beast of burden is ye?-d
I take it you are conflicted by your sins, and searching for meaning, and are unsatisfied by the answers provided by Christianity? Yet you return to god out of some perceived obligation? Burning in hell must suck, right?
Selah
So why does the spirit always flee or better yet me from you?
Why was the new covenant brought by your blood?
Why would I question you?
Just carry - BURRO! -f
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In the depths of darkness you always strengthen me.
enmity -the double edge sword.-g
Never doubt that it indeed has two edges and cuts
it also has a sheath, one sheath.-h
That carries the sword. -c
ZM
f-Job 41
g-Matthew 14, 35-39.
c-Matthew 26 50-54
a-Matthew 13 15 amen
b-Matthew- 16
h- Matthew 23, 32
d-Job 7
e-Job 22, 7-11
I don't believe in hell, or sin, just accountability, so I can't comment any further, nor do I want to direct any blatant christian imagery like that. God is dead.
Posts: 18
Threads: 3
Joined: May 2014
I was so confused by the (-a) letters it was difficult for me to get through the poem. Once I realized they were references, I went back and reviewed it on a more spiritual level. There is a lot of conflict and passion that even if I read the poem 12 times I would not grasp the full meaning or depth. I guess it is funny how humans learn. Because right now I feel like a doodoo bird.
Well lied lion said Nietzsche
a prophet breaking the tablets of old.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi zmeanzy,
a suggestion for the annotations.
L3 = Matthew 13 15 amen
L6 = Job 41
etc; at the bottom of the piece
and then you have no need to spatter the piece with off putting code.
as it stands it feels more like a series of quotes that a solid piece of poetry. watch out for the cliche and wasted words, scripture is not poetry it ere's more on the side of prose. i do admit that some prayers can pass as poetry but scripture doesn't travel very well, much better if you interpret and rewrite
(07-17-2014, 07:40 AM)zmeansy Wrote: It is funny how we learn.
the way humans learn
or at least me.-a
It always takes that heavy hand.
That powerful jolt to my heart to recapture the presence of spirit
soy el burro of this world.-f
My stomach and cup are full to the brim.
Gluttony is Good?-e
Ever-Present,
why are you so burdensome?
One part of three but, what is duality
or thrice, for that matter
3 is 1 and 1 is 3.
The beast of burden is ye?-d
Selah
So why does the spirit always flee or better yet me from you?
Why was the new covenant brought by your blood?
Why would I question you?
Just carry - BURRO! -f
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In the depths of darkness you always strengthen me.
enmity -the double edge sword.-g
Never doubt that it indeed has two edges and cuts
it also has a sheath, one sheath.-h
That carries the sword. -c
ZM
f-Job 41
g-Matthew 14, 35-39.
c-Matthew 26 50-54
a-Matthew 13 15 amen
b-Matthew- 16
h- Matthew 23, 32
d-Job 7
e-Job 22, 7-11
poetryattempted
Unregistered
Hi Zmeanzy,
I'll preface this by saying that this is my first bit of feedback and I'm a newbie  . Overall, I liked your poem. I do think that the annotations are a bit distracting and, in all honestly, unnecessary. In my opinion, adding them really narrows the focus of what could be relatable to a broad audience.
Thanks all I will have a revised edition coming soon.
NietzscheKeen
Unregistered
I prefer not having direct references pointed out and I wasn't sure where the poem started because of all the annotations. I second Billy's suggestion. It may be tacky, but I like to put a short paragraph explaining the context of my poems sometimes.
After reading it again. I appreciate poems that require some thought, but usually those employ metaphor instead of references to things I am not familiar with. I had a hard time following it. Maybe you could do a paragraph before and explain the references or at least give the reader some familiarity with them.
Looking forward to the revised version.
Posts: 119
Threads: 39
Joined: Aug 2013
I hesitate to be critical like this - considering I'm really in no position to give advice - but here goes:
It seems purposely vague. Now maybe it isn't. But I'm a big believer that the goal of any literature isn't to obscure or evade meaning, but to present it with beauty and clarity. Not to say that you shouldn't have to think about what you're reading (T.S. Eliot, for example), but if a poem is going to be effective, it needs to be understandable (maybe some Zen teachers would argue that point, but whatever). I'm not going to say the poem is nonsense - it makes perfect sense, from what I can tell. But I think it's message is too lost in the form. My focus was shifted from the work and what it wants to reveal to solving a puzzle, that required Googling Bible verses. I think allusions loose a lot of their punch when you have to cross reference them.
But that's just my two cents. Take it or leave it.
Posts: 55
Threads: 12
Joined: Sep 2014
It is funny how we learn.
the way humans learn
The repetion of learn is unnecessary here. It could simply be, "It is funny how we humans learn"
3 is 1 and 1 is 3.
The beast of burden is ye?-d
I don't understand the -d and instead of 3 is 1, it should be "three is one and one is three".
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