Plots

[escher]

Plots (first edit)

A small patch of grass offers refuge
to the worn out soles of feet
that walk on concrete paths.

No one noticed as they passed,
orderly and manicured, to fit in
the plots within suburban streets.

Meanwhile, a small patch nearby
adorns a plaque that reads,
"In memory of a life once lived"


Plots - (original)

A small patch of grass offers refuge
to the worn out soles of feet
that walk on concrete paths

No one noticed as they passed
orderly and manicured to fit
the plots that line the streets

Meanwhile, a small patch nearby
adorns a plaque that reads;
"In memory of a life once lived"

[tectak]

Plots

A small patch of grass offers refuge refuge or comfort?
to the worn out soles of feet
that walk on concrete paths period

No one noticed as they passed Disconnected "they" . Who they? The feet or the passers by?End line comma
orderly and manicured to fit end line comma
the plots that line the streetsperiod

Meanwhile, a small patch nearby "Meanwhile" is the wrong word. It is time related. Try incongruously or poignantly or tellingly or ....well, your poem
adorns a plaque that reads; Strictly "...is adorned by a plaque that..." but you may scrape by
"In memory of a life once lived"

Hi,
There is not a lot wrong with this. It reads well and has the advantage of being terse-verse. Some of the word choices are a little versatile (see what I mean?) but it is a very good effort.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

[escher]

thanks for you feedback i see what you mean with the word meanwhile.... i did want to paint the image that these two patches of grass were simultaneously there... or in the present, so to speak, and the ironic contrast between them. i guess poignantly or incongruously is what i directly mean... but is that taking away from the experience - being so straight forward? interested to know what anyone thinks?

Also thanks for the tip on refuge... i guess that means more like shelter or safety... i mean to say something like rest

Im trying to show the contrast between the ordered and social life where everyone is too busy/in their head, to sit and enjoy the little patch of nature we have in urban settings. I thought, how ironic that there is a little patch of nature somewhere (graveyard) that speaks of a life once lived... only once and maybe lived?. sit and enjoy the grass don't wait till your dead to rest in peace... etc

Does that message come across? its hard to tell if the meaning is clearly portrayed when you already know the meaning behind it...

[tectak]

thanks for you feedback i see what you mean with the word meanwhile.... i did want to paint the image that these two patches of grass were simultaneously there... or in the present, so to speak, and the ironic contrast between them. i guess poignantly or incongruously is what i directly mean... but is that taking away from the experience - being so straight forward? interested to know what anyone thinks?

Also thanks for the tip on refuge... i guess that means more like shelter or safety... i mean to say something like rest

Im trying to show the contrast between the ordered and social life where everyone is too busy/in their head, to sit and enjoy the little patch of nature we have in urban settings. I thought, how ironic that there is a little patch of nature somewhere (graveyard) that speaks of a life once lived... only once and maybe lived?. sit and enjoy the grass don't wait till your dead to rest in peace... etc

Does that message come across? its hard to tell if the meaning is clearly portrayed when you already know the meaning behind it...

Hi,
the meaning was not lost...it is surprising, though, how often obscuration and ambiguity is explained away post post, if you see what I mean, by the writer, once the piece is queried as to meaning. One has to ask why it was not written clearly in the first place....I mean we're not at war and sending messages in Navaho.
Re. your "refuge". If you want to mean "rest" a good word is "rest" I would use "respite" but it is your poem.
The "meanwhile" thing is more difficult. The expression "in the meantime" and "meanwhile" are often used fungibly...but they are subtly different commodities. You more accurately, you now say, want to indicate simultaneity...that the two exist together in time. If you say "meanwhile" you imply that two passages of time overlap by happy but deliberate circumstance. As in:
"Stir the soup then allow to cool to room temperature. Meanwhile, mix the cream and egg yolks together..."
Implication of a passage of time for one element...the cooling period...is made simultaneous with the passage of time for another element, the mixing process. That is not what you want to say but you can see how "in the meantime" could be substituted for "meanwhile". The difference is subtle..."in the meantime" indicates a holding position. As in:
"We are prepared to accept that changes are necessary, but in the meantime we will make do as best we can." In other words, there is a default "follow on", changes will come (but not yet) rather than a simultaneity...when one ends, the other will commence.
So...maybe you need another word to indicate two simultaneous occurences brought about by a permanent existence. In simple terms..."at the same time". You find the word
Best,
tectak

[ajcohen613]

Plots

A small patch of grass offers refuge
to the worn out soles of feet
that walk on concrete paths

No one noticed as they passed
orderly and manicured to fit
the plots that line the streets

Meanwhile, a small patch nearby
adorns a plaque that reads;
"In memory of a life once lived"

I guess I only have one question: for the line "No one noticed as they passed", what is it that is being unnoticed? The small patch of grass?

[tectak]

Plots

A small patch of grass offers refuge
to the worn out soles of feet
that walk on concrete paths

No one noticed as they passed
orderly and manicured to fit
the plots that line the streets

Meanwhile, a small patch nearby
adorns a plaque that reads;
"In memory of a life once lived"

I guess I only have one question: for the line "No one noticed as they passed", what is it that is being unnoticed? The small patch of grass?

Hi,
see my first crit punctuation on this.I agree that it is unclear. Punctuation would help but the sentence structure belongs to the writer. I see it as:
"No one noticed as they passed, ordered and manicured to fit, the plots that line the streets"

I interpret it as:
" As they passed, no one noticed the plots--ordered and manicured to fit-- that line the streets."

I would write it as:
" Passers-by did not notice the ordered and manicured plots that line the streets."

...but others will have their own ideas
Best,
tectak

[Truerenigma]

Plots

A small patch of grass offers refuge
to the worn out soles of feet
that walk on concrete paths

No one noticed as they passed
orderly and manicured to fit
the plots that line the streets

Meanwhile, a small patch nearby
adorns a plaque that reads;
"In memory of a life once lived"

I really like this poem. Simple, clear, thoughtful, surprising. I don't think "the" is needed in L2.

[abu nuwas]

With respect to tectak, 'refuge' is perfectly acceptable in terms of sense: the grass provides refuge, a place to fly to, from the paths. On the other hand, 'offer refuge' is a trifle hackneyed. I don't know whether it is cliché -but it is not fresh.

Likewise, with 'meanwhile' - it is not wrong, and denotes precisely the idea of simultaneity, just as if I said ' Escher is reading a crit. Meanwhile, I am making Cumberland sausages.' In other words you paint a picture --and that is all. You leave it at that, a cameo. Of course, I might be wrong.

It is simple, and sounds well, and might even be improved. For me, its charm is its simplicity, but it also runs the risk of being trite. It can be a fine line!

Welcome to the Pig!

[tectak]

With respect to tectak, 'refuge' is perfectly acceptable in terms of sense: the grass provides refuge, a place to fly to, from the paths. On the other hand, 'offer refuge' is a trifle hackneyed. I don't know whether it is cliché -but it is not fresh.

Likewise, with 'meanwhile' - it is not wrong, and denotes precisely the idea of simultaneity, just as if I said ' Escher is reading a crit. Meanwhile, I am making Cumberland sausages.' In other words you paint a picture --and that is all. You leave it at that, a cameo. Of course, I might be wrong.

It is simple, and sounds well, and might even be improved. For me, its charm is its simplicity, but it also runs the risk of being trite. It can be a fine line!

Welcome to the Pig!

Yep, Abu, "refuge" is fine...but he wanted to say "rest". The rest is fine
Best,
tectak

[KatBrown]

A beautiful sentiment. I read with great ease the 1st and 3rd stanzas, but the order of the language in the second has some ambiguity. After reading a few times I see that you are referring to the plots as being, orderly and manicured to fit, but with my first couple of reads I wasn't sure if you were speaking of the plots or the passersby. Probably just me...still I really enjoyed reading it.

[escher]

Thanks for taking the time to give feedback guys, much appreciated. I see what everyone means about the second stanza... My intention is to create a mood and provide some images, sort of like an instillation or painting, and allow some space for the reader to interpret, or even project onto it. I am experimenting with words and phrases that can have more than one meaning - using ambiguity as a tool - but not too ambiguous that it comes across as jibberish word play or confusion - that is not my intention... anyways still refining and sitting with it to see how it works best.

It has been brought to my attention that some parts are "too spacious/confusing" and i agree, so ill try being a bit more direct

and yes, punctuation would help hehe - im just starting to getting the hang of proper structuring

"Orderly and manicured"
refers to the passers by, and how they reflect the orderly and manicured streets that they live on and lives that they live. ive tried saying it a different way - maybe it works a bit better?

No one noticed as they passed,
orderly and manicured, to fit in
the plots within suburban streets

i tried ending on "to fit" as to emphasize the action of "fitting in" to society as well as the plots they live their lives by -

Ive changed it a bit, and looking forward to feedback

---

Im still not sure what to do with the last stanza :/ The reason ive used quotation marks is to make it evident that i am quoting off the plaque. maybe there is a better way to highlight that last line as i want it to stand sort of away from the rest of the lines.

(I'm just staying away from "meanwhile" for the meantime ill come back to it - but im thinking something on the lines of

Nearby, another small patch
adorns a plaque that reads
In memory of a life once lived.

Over all im hoping to show a bit of irony in the imagery - my intention is to make that (the irony) the statement and purpose of the poem.

cheers everyone

[billy]

first things first,

please give feedback in the three main poetry forums, we're a workshop and we expect everyone to be fair as far as feedback goes.

the poem reads okay though it does need an edit. beware of cliche. try and use original phrase.

Plots

A small patch of grass offers refuge
to the worn out soles of feet no need for [the] it's also cliche; worn out feet is something that's been said in every house in world.
that walk on concrete paths.

No one noticed as they passed,
orderly and manicured, to fit in a suggest into here and the removal of [the] on the next line.
the plots within suburban streets. i really like the enjambment of this line, it also has a subversive feel to it

Meanwhile, a small patch nearby small patch twice in a short poem when it's not a refrain doesn't add anything to the poem can another phrase be used. is [meanwhile] really needed?
adorns a plaque that reads,
"In memory of a life once lived"

[escher]

doing feedback now

[escher]

orderly and manicured, to fit in a suggest into here and the removal of [the] on the next line.

Billy, what do you mean by this?

Also, just out of curiosity before I leave this poem to ripen for a while before I end up killing it - any opinions on :

A small patch of grass offers refuge
to the worn out soles of feet no need for [the] it's also cliche; worn out feet is something that's been said in every house in world.
that walk on concrete paths.

I'm saying worn out feet ( which yes - is kinda boring)
but i'm trying to suggest worn out souls - without saying souls

what if i put emphasis on the word soles - as in...

A small patch of grass offered refuge,
to those worn out soles
of feet that walk on concrete paths.

Thanks for the thoughts

[billy]

to the worn out soles of feet