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I have only posted one other poem in past months. I received good advice and it was much appreciated, perhaps I could receive some more of that advice but this time pertaining to this here shorter poem. Thanks in advance.
The Wrong But,
Theoretical Answer
A precise omission,
That of the most honest division,
Another multiplication,
Minus some untruthful additions,
The perfect equation,
Which having solved the most decimal of decisions,
Patterns in geometric,
Numbers
Problems
Unsolved mathematical collisions,
Simply philosophic questions,
That of in vision,
Perhaps
Regular ole’ everyday
Mysticism & superstition
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(07-05-2014, 01:47 PM)WordJunky Wrote: I have only posted one other poem in past months. I received good advice and it was much appreciated, perhaps I could receive some more of that advice but this time pertaining to this here shorter poem. Thanks in advance.
The Wrong But,
Theoretical Answer[b]No comma needed in this title. Its use is wrong
A precise omission,
That of the most honest division, Capitalising lines is retro, dated, pretentious, faux-poetic and confusing. If you can think of more reasons why you should than why you should not, go to bed happy; though you should still worry about the urge to centre justify
Another multiplication,
Minus some untruthful additions,
The perfect equation, Consider this. You are writing one long sentence. It is inherently unstructured because you are writing as if an equation but forgetting that equations DO have punctuation in the form of operators. The reader needs to know what is to be linked and to what . BODMAS.
Which having solved the most decimal of decisions,
Patterns in geometric,
Numbers
Problems No. It will not do. The idea is flawed by its execution, not its concept.
Unsolved mathematical collisions,
Simply philosophic questions,
That of in vision, Weak line and nonsensical to boot...again, rendered even less effective by the lack of informative context in the line above and below. If this WAS a mathematical moment it would be randomised.
Perhaps
Regular ole’ everyday
Mysticism & superstition
The journey was not worth the destination and the destination is worthless. You must work out what point you are trying to make and work backwords. Imagine that the reader has no idea what the hell you are going to tell him/her. Begin by deciding what you are going to divulge, then so divulge, then summarise your divulgence. Finally, read the whole thing through and knock out duplications, polyfillers ( though in terse-verse like this you have , admittedly, few.), ampersands (typed on a phone?) and non-contributory clauses. Try then to punctuate to clarity. If you only want to please yourself then why post it in the first place. Believe me, the last person to be pleased by any piece is the author
Best,
tectak
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Welcome back. Please take the time to read some of the other work posted and give to others the same advice you seek. Thanks, ella/mod
(07-05-2014, 01:47 PM)WordJunky Wrote: I have only posted one other poem in past months. I received good advice and it was much appreciated, perhaps I could receive some more of that advice but this time pertaining to this here shorter poem. Thanks in advance.
The Wrong But,
Theoretical Answer
A precise omission,
That of the most honest division,
Another multiplication,
Minus some untruthful additions,
The perfect equation,
Which having solved the most decimal of decisions,
Patterns in geometric,
Numbers
Problems
Unsolved mathematical collisions,
Simply philosophic questions,
That of in vision,
Perhaps
Regular ole’ everyday
Mysticism & superstition
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Thank you both, my first reaction is to tell the both of you to F off and who the F are you to tell me whats wrong or right in my writing....
but...
im the one for asked for criticism and appreciate your feedback, i am novice in the area of grammer (pun intended) and punctuation and your a huge help!!!! thanks!!!
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(07-05-2014, 09:39 PM)WordJunky Wrote: Thank you both, my first reaction is to tell the both of you to F off and who the F are you to tell me whats wrong or right in my writing....
but...
im the one for asked for criticism and appreciate your feedback, i am novice in the area of grammer (pun intended) and punctuation and your a huge help!!!! thanks!!!
Hi, you seemed to have missed the point here, Elle has asked you to join in with the site by posting some feedback for others but I have noticed you have posted another poem. Feedback between members is what makes the site work so my advice would be to put your first reaction firmly behind you and start reading and commenting on others poetry. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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(07-05-2014, 09:39 PM)WordJunky Wrote: Thank you both, my first reaction is to tell the both of you to F off and who the F are you to tell me whats(what's) wrong or right in my writing....
but...
im(I'm) the one for (who) asked for criticism and appreciate your feedback, i (I)am novice in the area of grammer (pun intended(...hmmm)) and punctuation and your (you're) a huge help!!!! thanks!!!(Thanks!!! You're welcome)
You do not need to ask for crit on this site. The site is quintessentially a forum dedicated to the improvement poetry by receiving AND GIVING critique to other posters. Unless you are a phenomena in that you write but cannot read, could you please take some time to read the site rules. Unless you GIVE valid and useful critique you will find that your poems will not be available for comment . This is a tiny warning.
Mod.
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Sorry for the misunderstanding, I evidently suffer from a certain selfish pretension. I will make sure i that i develop more of a "give" opposed to"take" attitude. I apologize as I had the best intentions to post critique for other memebers, but I feel like I have nothing constructive to offer. I will work on my ability to commend others for their work. Thanks, and maybe you should send a message privately to people instead of blast them out in the open for a honest mistake. Have a nice day gents.
And please send me a graph or chart of the signified "levels" of warning because im unaware of the measurement of "tiny" thx again.
Who said In Vision isn't randomized, I am pretty sure existence is randomized in every aspect, and happens to be geometric in every sense.
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(07-06-2014, 01:15 AM)WordJunky Wrote: Sorry for the misunderstanding, I evidently suffer from a certain selfish pretension. I will make sure i that i develop more of a "give" opposed to"take" attitude. I apologize as I had the best intentions to post critique for other memebers, but I feel like I have nothing constructive to offer. I will work on my ability to commend others for their work. Thanks, and maybe you should send a message privately to people instead of blast them out in the open for a honest mistake. Have a nice day gents.
And please send me a graph or chart of the signified "levels" of warning because im unaware of the measurement of "tiny" thx again.
Who said In Vision isn't randomized, I am pretty sure existence is randomized in every aspect, and happens to be geometric in every sense.
Good to see such a positive response, I take your point about PM I guess it was the F's that spark such an open comment but I agree it could have been closed out privatley, not everyone responds like you. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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The writer could have said "Scientific theory has replaced mysticism and superstition", and conveyed as much meaning. Analogy can be a useful tool if used correctly.
If one is going to make use of criticism, one must set the ego aside. The trick is to appear that all of the hurtful things do not bother one, then one day, that will be the truth, and hurtful attacks will have turned into helpful suggestions.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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