There is a man I always see...

[jbreze]

I'm trying to create short poems that a person can easily memorize so they can meditate on them while searching for their inner meaning. I was hoping to get some feedback on one.

There is a man I always see
who lost his life to eventually.
“If not now, another time.
Life can wait if I’m behind.”
But life’s not ours to bend and twist.
A moment gone is a moment missed.
You can live a life in the blink of an eye.
But not a life’s work in the time you die.
Life cares not what you meant;
It’s there to collect on the life you spent.

Thank you very much for any honest feedback. I will try to do my part to return the favour.

[ellajam]

I'm trying to create short poems that a person can easily memorize so they can meditate on them while searching for their inner meaning. I was hoping to get some feedback on one.

There is a man I always see
who lost his life to eventually.
“If not now, another time.
Life can wait if I’m behind.”
But life’s not ours to bend and twist.
A moment gone is a moment missed.
You can live a life in the blink of an eye.
But not a life’s work in the time you die.
Life cares not what you meant;
It’s there to collect on the life you spent.

Thank you very much for any honest feedback. I will try to do my part to return the favour.

Welcome, Jbreze. We ask that you give feedback to someone else before posting your own work. Just 5 thoughtful comments in the workshops to become a member, then you can post there and get the most thorough critques./mod

[jbreze]

I'm trying to create short poems that a person can easily memorize so they can meditate on them while searching for their inner meaning. I was hoping to get some feedback on one.

There is a man I always see
who lost his life to eventually.
“If not now, another time.
Life can wait if I’m behind.”
But life’s not ours to bend and twist.
A moment gone is a moment missed.
You can live a life in the blink of an eye.
But not a life’s work in the time you die.
Life cares not what you meant;
It’s there to collect on the life you spent.

Thank you very much for any honest feedback. I will try to do my part to return the favour.

Welcome, Jbreze. We ask that you give feedback to someone else before posting your own work. Just 5 thoughtful comments in the workshops to become a member, then you can post there and get the most thorough critques./mod

Oooohhhh!! I apologize! Of course, will do!

[ellajam]

I'm trying to create short poems that a person can easily memorize so they can meditate on them while searching for their inner meaning. I was hoping to get some feedback on one.

There is a man I always see
who lost his life to eventually.
“If not now, another time.
Life can wait if I’m behind.”
But life’s not ours to bend and twist.
A moment gone is a moment missed.
You can live a life in the blink of an eye.
But not a life’s work in the time you die.
Life cares not what you meant;
It’s there to collect on the life you spent.

Thank you very much for any honest feedback. I will try to do my part to return the favour.

Welcome, Jbreze. We ask that you give feedback to someone else before posting your own work. Just 5 thoughtful comments in the workshops to become a member, then you can post there and get the most thorough critques./mod

Oooohhhh!! I apologize! Of course, will do!

---

I would think a meditation poem might focus less on what's undone and might lead back into itself, but here are a few notes:

I'm trying to create short poems that a person can easily memorize so they can meditate on them while searching for their inner meaning. I was hoping to get some feedback on one.

There is a man I always see
who lost his life to eventually. Eventuality, although yours fits your meter better.
“If not now, another time.
Life can wait if I’m behind.”
But life’s not ours to bend and twist.
A moment gone is a moment missed.
You can live a life in the blink of an eye.
But not a life’s work in the time you die. I'd replace "in the time" to "before" for meter and sense.
Life cares not what you meant;
It’s there to collect on the life you spent. The last two lines are a bit confused for me, I think you could say what you mean more clearly.

Thank you very much for any honest feedback. I will try to do my part to return the favour.

Good luck with it.