Thoughts for the Fourth of July

[Erthona]

Thoughts for the Forth of July

We created a Leviathan to defend our Freedom.
An ugly brute, powerful, but clumsy.
We gave it some of our Freedom,
to secure our security,
and those Freedoms that remained.
This parasitic relationship worked well...
for a time.

As Generations passed,
we forgot what an ugly brute
our Leviathan was.
We began to think its ugliness,
beauty.

We called it Mother,
and it consumed us.


–Erthona


©1999

[Brownlie]

Thoughts for the Forth of July

We created a Leviathan to defend our Freedom.
An ugly brute, powerful, but clumsy.
We gave it some of our Freedom,
to secure our security,
and those Freedoms that remained.
This parasitic relationship worked well...
for a time.

As Generations passed,
we forgot what an ugly brute
our Leviathan was.
We began to think its ugliness,
beauty.

We called it Mother,
and it consumed us.


–Erthona


©1999

Well, there's your patriot act.

[Tiger the Lion]

I like this one Dale. It gives me the distinct image of the children being fed to the ogre for the sake of the parents. There is something "Little Red Riding Hood" about it without all that allegory. Any changes I considered were just Paulisms and nothing to really improve the read, so I'm glad this is in miscellaneous. Well done on "making the obscure clear". - Paul

[Erthona]

Thanks Paul.

Dale

[just mercedes]

You know, I really wanted to see the father devour the child - as Saturn did in that Goya painting. http://www.google.co.nz/imgres?imgrefurl...5577-p.asp&tbnid=hP57ZJ4d1Tq1vM:&docid=TxOWofeF6W_GWM&h=1654&w=1169

[tectak]

Thoughts for the Forth of July
Fourth...surely Even in America.
We created a Leviathan to defend our Freedom.
An ugly brute, powerful, but clumsy. semicolon after brute. No comma after powerful UNLESS you are forcing the intonation...which you do not do normally.
We gave it some of our Freedom,
to secure our security, It seems inconsistently bizarre to capitalise Freedom and not security...the constitution values the two by giving equal weight. Is there another reason which a Brit cannot know?
and those Freedoms that remained. "Some of our freedom " does not sit easily with "..those freedoms".
This parasitic relationship worked well... You gave something in exchange for something is symbiotic not parasitic.
for a time.

As Generations passed, Capital on generations...OK. I give up. Why?
we forgot what an ugly brute
our Leviathan was.
We began to think its ugliness,
beauty.

We called it Mother, Actually, you called it a real mother....
and it consumed us.

There is merit, here, Dale. As a progressive thought not much is missing but that could be because of the singularity of the concept....it is the snake that eats its tail.
Never sure about enjambment for no obvious effect I am therefore unsure about your use. For me, I would like a formal, statemental, opinionated piece like this to run like clockwork...if only to show confidence in content. As it is, I get distracted by inconsistencies in rhythm, which are easily correctable, but all is opinion.
Best,
tectak
–Erthona


©1999

[Erthona]

The only problem with it is that Saturn, who is identified with Chronus, ate his children alive, as Zeus latter freed them from his father's belly. Eating them in little bites as Goya painted them would prohibit Zeus/Jupiter from freeing them. Regardless, I could change this to Germany, the "Fatherland", and have "him" eat everybody up...sure going to be fat

Nice painting, it reminds me of when I ate my children.

Dale

---

Tom,

I agree with all you said. The "fourth" has been corrected. The first "Freedom" should have been plural (good catch). Symbiotic is better. I'm assuming your comment about "real mother" was an attempt at humor. Why "generations" was capitalized I haven't a clue. Anyway, all good suggestion and I will incorporate them in the next edit.

Thanks,

Dale

[billy]

the poem matches the title or vice verse. though the poem could be a generic rise to power of most states and how they turn against the masses (animal farm) the title anchors it to a particular time and place and in doing so works harder than many titles i've seen.

i like the poem a lot, just a couple of nits, the main one being the capped words.

thanks for the read.

Thoughts for the Forth of July

We created a Leviathan to defend our Freedom.
An ugly brute, powerful, but clumsy.
We gave it some of our Freedom, why cap freedom
to secure our security,
and those Freedoms that remained.
This parasitic relationship worked well... a suggestion would be symbiotic, parasitic gives an impression of it being bad from the onset.
for a time.

As Generations passed, why cap generations
we forgot what an ugly brute
our Leviathan was.
We began to think its ugliness,
beauty.

We called it Mother,
and it consumed us. though it's not the strongest way to say, it is a great way, the last line verges on cliche but still works extremely well in rounding of the poem.


–Erthona


©1999

[Erthona]

Thanks Broadwaybound.

Thanks Billy. Yes Tom has already chastised about the capped words. I capped the wrong words to begin with, and I don't see that it benefits the poem in anyway, so I shall go no caps in the edit.

"a suggestion would be symbiotic, parasitic gives an impression of it being bad from the onset." I think I used parasitic because I was thinking it really gave less back than we gave it, an inequitable exchange. Still, I will probably change it...maybe

Dale

[maximumjake]

Thoughts for the Forth of July

We created a Leviathan to defend our Freedom.
An ugly brute, powerful, but clumsy.
We gave it some of our Freedom,
to secure our security,
and those Freedoms that remained.
This parasitic relationship worked well...
for a time.

As Generations passed,
we forgot what an ugly brute
our Leviathan was.
We began to think its ugliness,
beauty.

We called it Mother,
and it consumed us.


–Erthona


©1999

I kept thinking of sentient AI protectors, like Gort from The Day the Earth Stood Still.

I read that the most recent version of an AI program was turned on and the first question asked of it was "is there a God?"

The computer answered "there is now." The researchers then promptly destroyed it.

[Erthona]

maximumjake,

Well if you're going AI, I would go with "Colossus". I also like the "Day the Earth Stood still", I have a copy of the older one on DVD. Despite it lacks much in the way of special effects, and that it is in black and white, I like it better than the new one. Plus I'm not a big fan of Canoodle Reefs

Thanks for your comments,

Dale

[maximumjake]

maximumjake,

Well if you're going AI, I would go with "Colossus". I also like the "Day the Earth Stood still", I have a copy of the older one on DVD. Despite it lacks much in the way of special effects, and that it is in black and white, I like it better than the new one. Plus I'm not a big fan of Canoodle Reefs

Thanks for your comments,

Dale

I'm also a fan of the older one. Fun to re-watch every so often. Movies back then had a certain charm. For me I think it has to do with how dialogue was so cleanly written in that era. I never saw the new one. Heard too many bad things about it.

Leviathan is kind of a vague word when you think about it. I mean, I guess the literal definition can be taken at face value, but after spending years in Hebrew school, a leviathan can actually take an infinite number of forms. Basing this on the number of stories in the Torah which feature aquatic leviathans, multi-faced beasts composed of shifting shadows, salamander leviathans, and so on.

Something interesting is when you say Mother...the computer program from the movie Alien is called Mother, and it has become synonymous in pop culture. I know it's not what you intended with the poem, but to me I like it even better taken this way.

[Erthona]

My favorite is "The Forbidden Planet".

Yes, "leviathan" here is meant to equate the government with a large ungainly, and dangerous beast.

Dale

[dwestmor]

The line to secure or security just feels rather awkward to me. Beyond that and the corrections others made I love this.

[maximumjake]

The line to secure or security just feels rather awkward to me. Beyond that and the corrections others made I love this.

I think that line works pretty well in the scheme of the poem...I can picture Stephen Colbert saying that line on his show...America's security needs securing. I like it as a jab at American policy.

[Erthona]

dwestmor,

Thank for your comments and welcome to the site.
___________________________________________
MJ,
Yes, even the most dramatic piece must have some humor in it, or they will fall into their own darkness and create nothing.

Dale

[ellajam]

A guest reading brought this to my attention, a good read as we prepare to trot out the red, white and blue (and snag a 4 day weekend).

[nibbed]

Hi Erthona. This is a WOW of a poem, but most your poems are...always an air of mystery and a bit scary, too.


We created a Leviathan to defend our Freedom.             ----I like you used leviathan.
An ugly brute, powerful, but clumsy.                                ---clumsy?
We gave it some of our Freedom,                                    
to secure our security,                                                      
and those Freedoms that remained.
This parasitic relationship worked well...                            
for a time.

As Generations passed,
we forgot what an ugly brute
our Leviathan was.
We began to think its ugliness,                                           -----a change of perspective?
beauty.

We called it Mother,                                                             -----clever.
and it consumed us.


Thank you for a very wonderful poem to read.
It is difficult to pick apart anything that you write.
You are very comfortable with your pen, and gifted.
Have a wonderful evening. Janine

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Great poem! I love the grim atmosphere you set off here, almost foreboding and prophesizing.

Thoughts for the Forth of July

We created a Leviathan to defend our Freedom. 
An ugly brute, powerful, but clumsy.                                                 Clumsy kinda softens the image of the fearful leviathan - perhaps go for a stronger word?
We gave it some of our Freedom,                                                     Interesting, Are you referring here to the NSA and other acts that diminish liberty?              
to secure our security,
and those Freedoms that remained.                                                  Repetitive use of Freedom, was it your intention? Freedom is a strong word, but so is liberty!
This parasitic relationship worked well...
for a time.

As Generations passed,
we forgot what an ugly brute
our Leviathan was.
We began to think its ugliness,
beauty.

We called it Mother,
and it consumed us.                                                                        Since you describe the Leviathan as mother in the previous line, perhaps go for 'She' in the last sentence


–Erthona


©1999

Thanks for sharing this with us!

[RiverNotch]

Thoughts for the Forth of July

We created a Leviathan to defend our Freedom.
An ugly brute, powerful, but clumsy.
We gave it some of our Freedom,
to secure our security,
and those Freedoms that remained.
This parasitic relationship worked well...
for a time.

I'm left wondering by the capitalization. Leviathan, sure, but "Freedom" -- it might be to the speaker paramount, yet "Freedoms". And not "security", here implied to be as important as the f/Freedom given up, or the f/Freedoms sacrificed. So it could be a paean to anarchy (of the less violent sort), but right now with the confused capitalization the argument itself is anarchic (of the detrimental sort). The first Freedom capitalized for the sake of commentary, the second freedom capitalized for the sake of political reality, but not both.

The comma after the first "Freedom" also shouldn't be there. Lastly, the use of the term "parasitic" is questionable -- Leviathan for me edges too closely to Hobbes, which by my understanding is not parasitic, due to its logical consistency, and its being constructed as an agreement between all (unconquered) peoples, including, it is in the poem demonstrated, the speaker.

As Generations passed,
we forgot what an ugly brute
our Leviathan was.
We began to think its ugliness,
beauty.

At this point I'm a bit more off-put, but I think this is because of my politics, which I will not discuss. Or it might be the lack of specificity in the poem -- if the argument is not against the idea of government in general, but in the government of, judging by the title, the United States of America, or perhaps the aristocracy which developed it and was developed by it, then there are far too few signposts from within the poem.

And, echoing previous sentiments, yet another questionable capitalization: "Generations"?

We called it Mother,
and it consumed us. 

Last, I happen to love my mother in a relatively healthy way, Mr. Freud -- rather, if government is here Leviathan, and Leviathan is here called Mother, then....wait, is it? Again, the title points to an American context, but as far as I know the concept of a [Parent]land is very European, and somehow this all feels inaccurate to a certain degree with Cronus or the Man, since before the title's date a distinctly patriarchal system, being equated to woman. 

Again echoing, requires a mechanic.