dead antennas wave goodbye edit .01-Paul

[Erthona]

dead antennas wave goodbye

Cockroach in the bath,
cockroach in the hall,
see the different ways
they fall.
Embalmed with pesticide,
on chitin covered sides,
—not a pest
in their own eyes—.
Still they fall,
in the bath or in the hall,
it matters not what they decide;
dead antennas wave goodbye.



–Erthona


©2014

[Tiger the Lion]

I really liked this. I'm a bit of a sucker for short work - but only if it gets the job done. And, I think you did that. If I had any crit it would be L7 and L8. I think you could do better there. (feels too dry for the mood) The last line is perfect and holds everything up. Paul

dead antennas wave goodbye

Cockroach in the bath,
cockroach in the hall,
see the different ways
they fall.
Embalmed with pesticide,
on chitin covered sides,
not a pest
in their own eyes.
Still they fall,
in the bath and in the hall, quick edit on reread... I wonder if you might try "or in the hall" since the next line is "decide"
it matters not what they decide;
dead antennas wave goodbye.


–Erthona


©2014

[Erthona]

Thanks Paul,

Yes, I think "or" works better, and I might make L7-8 parenthetical, or inclose with em dashes.

Thanks again for your comments,

Dale

[Brownlie]

dead antennas wave goodbye

Cockroach in the bath,
cockroach in the hall, -- Maybe avoid the repetition to add more interesting language.
see the different ways
they fall. -- What are the different ways you mention

Embalmed with pesticide,
on chitin covered sides,
—not a pest
in their own eyes—.
Still they fall,
in the bath or in the hall,
it matters not what they decide;
dead antennas wave goodbye.


–Erthona


©2014

I think you might be able to list some more ways they fall. I like the word chitin, and the cockroach being embalmed in pesticide as I think that would look like a white spray. You and your eternal war with bugs.

[Erthona]

Thanks Brownlie,

I will consider that. I had meant by "different ways they fall" as how their bodies end up, some on their backs, some on their sides, some as though they are still walking. They also literally fall off the ceiling and off the wall. Maybe I could replace:

"Still they fall,
in the bath or in the hall"

-with-

"Still they fall,
off the ceiling off the walls..."

Thanks for your comments,


Dale