Fat Man

[nicksherman]

There's a fat man
That sits outside my office every afternoon
Eating his lunch
And, boy is he fat
He used to sit alone
Devouring a bag of fast food
Condiments dripped onto him, unknowingly
Dropped fries were picked up and eaten
Dirt and all
How miserable

I used to watch him every day

Recently, a fat woman
Has been joining him for lunch
Those two take up the entire bench
He brings food for them both
Then they eat like trough animals
Greasy hands touch
Salty kisses interrupt bites
Bellies jiggle below their shirts
When they laugh
And, they laugh a lot
Completely oblivious

I don't watch him much anymore

[Blake]

Sounds like an American love story.

[nicksherman]

Thanks for reading it.

[rowens]

There's a fat man
That sits outside my office every afternoon

Maybe get rid of "every afternoon", and work on the line breaks.


Eating his lunch
And, boy is he fat
He used to sit alone
Devouring a bag of fast food
Condiments dripped onto him, unknowingly
Dropped fries were picked up and eaten

The last two lines above could probably be handled better.

Dirt and all
How miserable

I used to watch him every day


Maybe, I watched him every day or I used to watch every day. But what you have isn't that bad.


Recently, a fat woman
Has been joining him for lunch

Maybe get rid of "for lunch".


Those two take up the entire bench
He brings food for them both
Then they eat like trough animals

'And' instead of "Then"? Maybe not.


Greasy hands touch
Salty kisses interrupt bites
Bellies jiggle below their shirts
When they laugh
And, they laugh a lot
Completely oblivious

I don't watch him much anymore

[nicksherman]

Thanks for reading, and for the suggestions. I think you're correct in the parts that could us some cleaning up. Hope you enjoyed it.

[Zainabk]

I liked your poem but I was bothered with the picture you painted- very stereotypical.

[Veil of Trash]

I like the ideas in this poem.

EDIT!:
I like the idea of an observer garnering some self-worth ("I used to watch him every day") using non-implicit disdain by describing the scene (alone, devouring, drip, drop, dirt, entire, trough, jiggle)
and I like how this slowly filters out with the introduction of a partner with the gradual use of intimacy in the language and occasional positive quality
and and I like the inflection point in the last line where the narrator stops watching as if no longer satisfied. (Fat crush fail! or [how I read it] watching belittled others transcend the narrators own loneliness)

I avoid being specific because I don't want to look st00piiid. D: But Billy is right, I should post something possibly useful instead of a fairly shallow looking reply. D:

EDIT2: Quick edit! The thing I liked most about this poem was how the narrator remains static whilst everything else evolves around them.

[billy]

the feedback apart from rowans isn't really helping the poet.
give more than a one liner

why are the ideas liked?
what picture was painted?
how does it sound like an american love story, why american as opposed to british or other love story?

better not to leave feedback than a one liner that says almost nothing .

[tectak]

Sounds like an American love story.

Not valid crit. How would your comment help YOU?

---

I liked your poem but I was bothered with the picture you painted- very stereotypical.

Not valid crit. How would your reply help YOU?

[LeoEvans]

There's a fat man
That sits outside my office every afternoon
Eating his lunch
And, boy is he fat
He used to sit alone
Devouring a bag of fast food
Condiments dripped onto him, unknowingly
Dropped fries were picked up and eaten
Dirt and all
How miserable

I used to watch him every day

Recently, a fat woman
Has been joining him for lunch
Those two take up the entire bench
He brings food for them both
Then they eat like trough animals
Greasy hands touch
Salty kisses interrupt bites
Bellies jiggle below their shirts
When they laugh
And, they laugh a lot
Completely oblivious

I don't watch him much anymore

I feel like this poem has no real substance or message apart from your contemptuous attitude towards two fat people eating lunch and enjoying each others company. Decent Imagery though. Maybe try to focus on conveying a message or inserting some sort of meaning or possibly humour or poetic justice (Morbid example would be you, as the observer discovering the man had a heart attack due to his diet) That would be a fitting ending if you wanted to continue the stereotype in which your poem talks about.

[nicksherman]

There's a fat man
That sits outside my office every afternoon
Eating his lunch
And, boy is he fat
He used to sit alone
Devouring a bag of fast food
Condiments dripped onto him, unknowingly
Dropped fries were picked up and eaten
Dirt and all
How miserable

I used to watch him every day

Recently, a fat woman
Has been joining him for lunch
Those two take up the entire bench
He brings food for them both
Then they eat like trough animals
Greasy hands touch
Salty kisses interrupt bites
Bellies jiggle below their shirts
When they laugh
And, they laugh a lot
Completely oblivious

I don't watch him much anymore

I feel like this poem has no real substance or message apart from your contemptuous attitude towards two fat people eating lunch and enjoying each others company. Decent Imagery though. Maybe try to focus on conveying a message or inserting some sort of meaning or possibly humour or poetic justice (Morbid example would be you, as the observer discovering the man had a heart attack due to his diet) That would be a fitting ending if you wanted to continue the stereotype in which your poem talks about.

I appreciate your thoughts. The story isn't about making fun of fat people, though it may appear that way at it's surface. The story is more about the narrator who takes pleasure in watching a guy who looks absolutely miserable in life. Once the fat man finds a partner and is enjoying himself, the man no longer finds it fun to watch him. Hope that clears it up. Thanks for reading it.

[LeoEvans]

There's a fat man
That sits outside my office every afternoon
Eating his lunch
And, boy is he fat
He used to sit alone
Devouring a bag of fast food
Condiments dripped onto him, unknowingly
Dropped fries were picked up and eaten
Dirt and all
How miserable

I used to watch him every day

Recently, a fat woman
Has been joining him for lunch
Those two take up the entire bench
He brings food for them both
Then they eat like trough animals
Greasy hands touch
Salty kisses interrupt bites
Bellies jiggle below their shirts
When they laugh
And, they laugh a lot
Completely oblivious

I don't watch him much anymore

I feel like this poem has no real substance or message apart from your contemptuous attitude towards two fat people eating lunch and enjoying each others company. Decent Imagery though. Maybe try to focus on conveying a message or inserting some sort of meaning or possibly humour or poetic justice (Morbid example would be you, as the observer discovering the man had a heart attack due to his diet) That would be a fitting ending if you wanted to continue the stereotype in which your poem talks about.

I appreciate your thoughts. The story isn't about making fun of fat people, though it may appear that way at it's surface. The story is more about the narrator who takes pleasure in watching a guy who looks absolutely miserable in life. Once the fat man finds a partner and is enjoying himself, the man no longer finds it fun to watch him. Hope that clears it up. Thanks for reading it.

Fair point, I didn't piece that together

[LorettaYoung]

I feel like this poem has no real substance or message apart from your contemptuous attitude towards two fat people eating lunch and enjoying each others company. Decent Imagery though. Maybe try to focus on conveying a message or inserting some sort of meaning or possibly humour or poetic justice (Morbid example would be you, as the observer discovering the man had a heart attack due to his diet) That would be a fitting ending if you wanted to continue the stereotype in which your poem talks about.

I appreciate your thoughts. The story isn't about making fun of fat people, though it may appear that way at it's surface. The story is more about the narrator who takes pleasure in watching a guy who looks absolutely miserable in life. Once the fat man finds a partner and is enjoying himself, the man no longer finds it fun to watch him. Hope that clears it up. Thanks for reading it.

Fair point, I didn't piece that together

---

Hi, an interesting thought; that the man enjoys watching someone miserable and why. Perhaps you can accentuate that; it will make it more accessible and expand the thought. Thanks for posting, Best Loretta

[John Galt]

There's a fat man
That sits outside my office every afternoon
Eating his lunch
And, boy is he fat
He used to sit alone
Devouring a bag of fast food
Condiments dripped onto him, unknowingly
Dropped fries were picked up and eaten
Dirt and all
How miserable

I used to watch him every day

Recently, a fat woman
Has been joining him for lunch
Those two take up the entire bench
He brings food for them both
Then they eat like trough animals
Greasy hands touch
Salty kisses interrupt bites
Bellies jiggle below their shirts
When they laugh
And, they laugh a lot
Completely oblivious

I don't watch him much anymore

Loved it, very Bukowskiesque, I think you judged the ending perfectly.

I think you could cut the word "unknowingly" and the line "how miserable.

Strong imagery and lifelike.....JG

[vagabond]

interesting twist in the last line.

first you create this kind of disgust, thats so typical of our society, to watch the "fat man" curiously as we like to watch freaks or misery maybe in order to feel better comparing them to ourselves.
then the "fat woman" comes along and the two well fed seem to have fun, not bothered by the watcher.

but this fact seems to bother the watcher, maybe he even is jealous. Maybe he is a stylish thin man but doesn´t manage to find company so easily.
so he doesn´t watch anymore.

well, your poem made me think.
that´s my idea of a poem´s signification: it should make think or feel or both.