Bring it down

[stajas]

Soo.. Hello! I'm new here, and this is my very first post. Yay! Please keep in mind
Im kind of new to all this, so I don't know very much about schemes and such.
Now I've made this a while ago and uploaded it to another site once, yet I got
like zero response there, so let's see what you guys think. By the way, it's kinda
written as a song, but I'm not quite sure how to use it yet.



---------------------------------------------------
Please, Sir, put us to the test again.
Make us swim and cry for leaving.
Make us take up our faith and bargain.
But don't forgive us for decieving.


Make the moon pull up the water,
Engulf us with your watery sheets.
Please send us some holy martyr,
To punish for supposed feats.


Dear Sir, are you dozing off?
'Cause everything's getting outta hand.
Or have you given up on us yet?
I think I'd actually understand.


Gimme chaos, Gimme mayhem,
Treat me on the easy way,
Take my lead and start to condemn,
Throw the failing society away..
---------------------------------------------------

Looking forward to your responses

[rowens]

The first two lines of the second stanza sound the best but don't have much to do with anything else in the poem. The rhymes are forced, the second and last lines of each stanza especially. They don't say anything that needs to be said, if you take them out and add something more thoughtful, whether it rhymes or not, the poem could be better.

[stajas]

These lines reference to the story of noah?

[rowens]

No. It doesn't seem that way.

[billy]

good effort though it needs working on.
is it good whose being spoken to? if so why call him sir, would sire or something else work better. from faith, and water i either get jonah and the whale or noah. if it is about one of them, make it less ambiguous and give clearer pointers. mention a name.
the rouble with hearing a song and reading text is that the reader unless he knows the tune, can't stretch the words as a voice can, because of this meter and rhythm really do play a role. take a look here; for basic meter and here to see how it's best used.
hopefully others will give you a few pointers with word usage etc.

Soo.. Hello! I'm new here, and this is my very first post. Yay!



---------------------------------------------------
Please, Sir, put us to the test again.
Make us swim and cry for leaving.
Make us take up our faith and bargain.
But don't forgive us for decieving. deceiving


Make the moon pull up the water,
Engulf us with your watery sheets.
Please send us some holy martyr,
To punish for supposed feats.


Dear Sir, are you dozing off?
'Cause everything's getting outta hand.
Or have you given up on us yet?
I think I'd actually understand.


Gimme chaos, Gimme mayhem,
Treat me on the easy way,
Take my lead and start to condemn,
Throw the failing society away..
---------------------------------------------------

Looking forward to your responses

[BJ_Murphy]

I liked the poem, but it certainly needs working on. As others have noted, the rhymes seem almost forced.

Simplicity is also a hard feature to really enjoy, at least for me. Some poems sound great under simplistic rhyme schemes, but then it also doesn't hurt to try some wordplay, and perhaps elongating your sentences to keep the mind pumping.

Remember, not all poetry needs to adhere to the 4-lines-per-stanza cliché. Hell, not all poems necessitate stanzas at all. Try having your poetry flirt with unorthodox methods. See how they play out over time. Good luck!

[jbreze]

Soo.. Hello! I'm new here, and this is my very first post. Yay! Please keep in mind
Im kind of new to all this, so I don't know very much about schemes and such.
Now I've made this a while ago and uploaded it to another site once, yet I got
like zero response there, so let's see what you guys think. By the way, it's kinda
written as a song, but I'm not quite sure how to use it yet.



---------------------------------------------------
Please, Sir, put us to the test again.
Make us swim and cry for leaving.
Make us take up our faith and bargain.
But don't forgive us for decieving.


Make the moon pull up the water,
Engulf us with your watery sheets.
Please send us some holy martyr,
To punish for supposed feats.


Dear Sir, are you dozing off?
'Cause everything's getting outta hand.
Or have you given up on us yet?
I think I'd actually understand.


Gimme chaos, Gimme mayhem,
Treat me on the easy way,
Take my lead and start to condemn,
Throw the failing society away..
---------------------------------------------------

Looking forward to your responses

I love the third section. Very powerful. Forgiving a higher power for almost "falling asleep at the wheel." It's as if you've switched roles and are offering him forgiveness. - Amazing!!!

I also like the Dear Sir. It's casualizes such an unknown entity and also makes it seem a slight simple suggestion that he "wake up." The world demands it while you simply and casually ask of it?

Very awesome! I get a little lost in the end section but can see you are almost stepping into his role now. I'm not a believer of chaos and such and I think if I was it woudl make more sense to me. It's almost like your replacing his failing system of order with that of chaos??