They bombed our Chippy

[Tiger the Lion]

They bombed our Chippy


On this one uncontested inch,
let us stop to remember this:
Grace ain't forgetting.

If there's football on Christmas Day,
I couldn't watch if we couldn't play,
but Grace ain't forgetting.

So even if this too should pass-
over the painted jamb on our house of glass,
Grace ain't forgetting.

And the football on that Christmas Day,
was played almost like children play,
but Grace ain't forgetting.

Grace is not forgetting.
-----------------------------------

[tomoffing]

How you doing tiger,

This is an excellent piece. Short, but dense and evocative.
The no mans land Christmas football match is an excellent device.

Some thoughts below.

Overall, great read, thanks a lot. t

They bombed our Chippy


On this one uncontested inch, not sure if one is necessary. it aids the meter but one shifting to "un" is difficult. single perhaps...
let us stop to remember this:
Grace ain't forgetting.

If there's football on Christmas Day,
I couldn't watch if we couldn't play,
but Grace ain't forgetting.

So even if this too should pass- great enjambment here. Subtly introduces the Passover reference.
over the painted jamb on our house of glass, this reads a little long "over painted jamb on house of glass" would fit nicely, but eliminates the possessive. See what you think
Grace ain't forgetting.

And the football on that Christmas Day,
was played almost like children play,
but Grace ain't forgetting.

Grace is not forgetting.
I love the shift in the refrain, but would prefer it to be more emphatic somehow.
"Grace is never forgetting" maybe, or a chiasmus of sorts, "grace is always remembering". or "grace is stopping to remember", echoing stanza 1.
-----------------------------------

[Tiger the Lion]

Tomoffing, thank you for reading and commenting. This began as a song and you're right about L1. one-un doesn't work as a straight read. The painted jamb line has morphed quite a bit, and is still giving me fits. I would love to get the word "remember" in the last line, but I need it to reflect the nature of forgiveness and the nature of the word "ain't" at the same time. I hope that makes sense.
Thanks again. -Paul

[billy]

no comments bar i'm not sure who grace is. other than that i see the football match between british and german soldiers who cam out of the trenches to spare a brief moment of time away from the war. it's a quite retrospective poem as i'm sure it would have been afterwards for those who took part.

the refrain is okay but i'd like a bit more understanding of it...i do realize it could just be me that understand it.
the first two lines could use a better end rhyme.

They bombed our Chippy


On this one uncontested inch,
let us stop to remember this:
Grace ain't forgetting.

If there's football on Christmas Day,
I couldn't watch if we couldn't play,
but Grace ain't forgetting.

So even if this too should pass-
over the painted jamb on our house of glass,
Grace ain't forgetting.

And the football on that Christmas Day,
was played almost like children play,
but Grace ain't forgetting.

Grace is not forgetting.
-----------------------------------

[Tiger the Lion]

no comments bar i'm not sure who grace is. other than that i see the football match between british and german soldiers who cam out of the trenches to spare a brief moment of time away from the war. it's a quite retrospective poem as i'm sure it would have been afterwards for those who took part.

the refrain is okay but i'd like a bit more understanding of it...i do realize it could just be me that understand it.
the first two lines could use a better end rhyme.

They bombed our Chippy


On this one uncontested inch,
let us stop to remember this:
Grace ain't forgetting.

If there's football on Christmas Day,
I couldn't watch if we couldn't play,
but Grace ain't forgetting.

So even if this too should pass-
over the painted jamb on our house of glass,
Grace ain't forgetting.

And the football on that Christmas Day,
was played almost like children play,
but Grace ain't forgetting.

Grace is not forgetting.
-----------------------------------

Thank you for reading and commenting Billy. This is really just a sketch of a relationship. Thanks for the retro policing, I wouldn't presume to write about a WW. It's really only a metaphor for a truce, but I think I blew it with the title. I was too eager with it to realize it brings the war idea to the forefront rather than the background. I tried to be compact with this and may have squeezed a little too much out.

[Erthona]

Paul, I came to this poem bare, in that I did not read any of the comments or any of your responses, so if I repeat anything or seem to ignore what you have said, that is the cause. I had started to annotate my critique to give due credit, but but it is obvious who said what first and so I will leave it as is.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I've little idea what this means. I understand parts (or so I think). The term "Chippy" has enough disparate definitions that without context it seems very ambiguous, of course it could also just be a British thing that I don't get. The German/British warfare(which could be described as "Chippy", and a similar way like football) but especially the line "On this one uncontested inch" as it was a war of inches in trench warfare, especially in WWI. The second stanza I have no clue, unless it is a metaphor for warfare (football=warfare, there are certainly a lot of common terms between the two). In S3 they only thing that could pass would be death, as the painted door jamb refers to the Jewish passover, however I don't really get how people who live in glass houses, and who should not throw stones (metaphorical or otherwise) connects with this, or how either connect with the rest of the poem. I'm assuming, and this is much more assuming than I like to do, that the "Grace" refrain refers to the quote "...but for the Grace of God, there go I", that is to say it is God's grace that keeps us from getting what justice actually demands. Which in this case seems to mean down the path of death, or at least what I infer that seems most likely.

So for me at least, this poem fails, as I have many pieces of the puzzle but no way to interlock them. It may not be true, but to me it seems there is a fair amount of obfuscation (primarily by omission) that does not benefit the clarity or understanding of the piece.

Poetry is to make difficult ideas clear, not to make clear ideas difficult. To me there is more of the latter, and less of the first. It really matters not how clever one crafts one's words, or the deft touch in the use of metaphor, if no one cannot understand what is being said. That being said, this is a very clever poem that makes no sense.


Dale

[Tiger the Lion]

Paul,

I've little idea what this means. I understand parts. The term "Chippy" has enough disparate definitions that without context it seems very ambiguous, of course it could also just be a British thing that I don't get. As Billy has already pointed the German/British warfare(which could be described as "Chippy", and a similar way like football) but especially the line "On this one uncontested inch" as it was a war of inches in trench warfare, especially in WWI. The second stanza I have no clue, unless it is a metaphor for warfare (football=warfare, there are certainly a lot of common terms between the two). In S3 they only thing that could pass would be death, as the painted door jamb refers to the Jewish passover, however I don't really get how people who live in glass houses, and who should not throw stones (metaphorical or otherwise) connects with this, or how either connect with the rest of the poem. I'm assuming, and this is much more assuming than I like to do, that the "Grace" refrain refers to the quote "...but for the Grace of God, there go I", that is to say it is God's grace that keeps us from getting what justice actually demands. Which in this case seems to mean down the path of death, or at least what I infer that seems most likely.

So for me at least, this poem fails, as I have many pieces of the puzzle but no way to interlock them. It may not be true, but to me it seems there is a fair amount of obfuscation (primarily by omission) that does not benefit the clarity or understanding of the piece.

Poetry is to make difficult ideas clear, not to make clear ideas difficult. To me there is more of the latter, and less of the first. It really matters not how clever one crafts one's words, or the deft touch in the use of metaphor, if no one cannot understand what is being said. That being said, this is a very clever poem that makes no sense.


Dale

Thank you Erthona. These are the kind of comments I am taking to the bank. Your dry observations are bang on, not just about this poem, but my writing tendencies in general. Billy's notes too. It's the reason I'm here. Thanks, - Paul

[Tiger the Lion]

This would be a drastic edit based on everyone's comments. A few paths I could go down but this is the one that I'm feeling right now. Thanks Dale, Billy, Tom. Not quite sure if this is the right direction.

Date Night ??

On this last uncontested inch
we play upon, remember this:
Grace ain't forgetting.

If there's football on this Christmas Day,
I couldn't watch if we couldn't play,
but Grace ain't forgetting.

So even if this too should pass-
over the painted jamb on our house of glass,
Grace ain't forgetting.

And the football on that Christmas Day,
was played not quite how children play.
Grace is not forgetting.

[just mercedes]

This would be a drastic edit based on everyone's comments. A few paths I could go down but this is the one that I'm feeling right now. Thanks Dale, Billy, Tom. Not quite sure if this is the right direction.




Date Night ??

On this last uncontested inch
we play upon, remember this: I don't think you need both
Grace ain't forgetting.

If there's football on this Christmas Day,
I couldn't watch if we couldn't play, if we didn't play?
but Grace ain't forgetting.

So even if this too should pass-
over the painted jamb on our house of glass,you're trying to cram too much into this line
Grace ain't forgetting.

And the football on that Christmas Day,
was played not quite how children play.
Grace is not forgetting.

Hi - I like the edit - did you put it above your original post as well? I'm not sure what's going on, but I feel I don't have to worry - Grace has it all sussed! I don't know why the refrain line changed for the last stanza from casual street to formal. The football game seems to be both in the present and in the past.

---

This would be a drastic edit based on everyone's comments. A few paths I could go down but this is the one that I'm feeling right now. Thanks Dale, Billy, Tom. Not quite sure if this is the right direction.




Date Night ??

On this last uncontested inch
we play upon, remember this: I don't think you need both
Grace ain't forgetting.

If there's football on this Christmas Day,
I couldn't watch if we couldn't play, if we didn't play?
but Grace ain't forgetting.

So even if this too should pass-
over the painted jamb on our house of glass,you're trying to cram too much into this line
Grace ain't forgetting.

And the football on that Christmas Day,
was played not quite how children play.
Grace is not forgetting.

Hi - I like the edit - did you put it above your original post as well? I'm not sure what's going on, but I feel I don't have to worry - Grace has it all sussed! I don't know why the refrain line changed for the last stanza from casual street to formal. The football game seems to be both in the present and in the past.