So Boldly We'll Go

[S.M. Bondurant]

I've never really tried my hand at poetry before, this is a first for me. I read through a bunch of poetic forms, picked one and tried to do something similar. I admit, embarrassing as it is, that I don't even recall at this point which form it was that I was trying to stay within, but I remember that I didn't succeed in staying within it very well. You'll notice that many of the lines are modifications of the lines that came before. This can be seen as lazy, I'm sure, but it was something that I wanted to focus on. Feedback is appreciated, and thank you for your time in advance.

hearts full of fire and heads filled with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
odds are against us but we shall prevail

hearts spilling fire and headstrong with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
together forever we cannot fail

tides crash against us yet we shall prevail
into the world we so boldly will go
adventure invites a wind in our sails

hands held so tightly that we cannot fail
into the world we so boldly will go
we'll outrun the roads and cut a new trail

peril compels we not slacken our sails
into the world we so boldly will go
time will not count us in his balanced scales

we'll run out of roads but forge a new trail
into the world we so boldly will go
us cutters of curtains, parters of veils

time will play tyrant but we will not quell
into the world we so boldly will go
i'll stand beside you through any travail

no matter the world so boldly we'll go

[ellajam]

Hi, SM, Welcome.

I'm no expert on forms but I have been trying to learn to work with refrains. For me the interest lies in turning the refrain into alternative meanings, to join them with the lines above and below to give different meanings to the same words.

If you'd like you can check the Poetry Practice threads here and read what some posters have done with refrains. It's quite a challenge.

I've never really tried my hand at poetry before, this is a first for me. I read through a bunch of poetic forms, picked one and tried to do something similar. I admit, embarrassing as it is, that I don't even recall at this point which form it was that I was trying to stay within, but I remember that I didn't succeed in staying within it very well. You'll notice that many of the lines are modifications of the lines that came before. This can be seen as lazy, I'm sure, but it was something that I wanted to focus on. Feedback is appreciated, and thank you for your time in advance.

hearts full of fire and heads filled with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
odds are against us but we shall prevail

hearts spilling fire and headstrong with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
together forever we cannot fail

tides crash against us yet we shall prevail
into the world we so boldly will go
adventure invites a wind in our sails

hands held so tightly that we cannot fail
into the world we so boldly will go
we'll outrun the roads and cut a new trail

peril compels we not slacken our sails
into the world we so boldly will go
time will not count us in his balanced scales

we'll run out of roads but forge a new trail
into the world we so boldly will go
us cutters of curtains, parters of veils

time will play tyrant but we will not quell this doesn't make sense to me.
into the world we so boldly will go
i'll stand beside you through any travail

no matter the world so boldly we'll go

[S.M. Bondurant]

Hi, SM, Welcome.

I'm no expert on forms but I have been trying to learn to work with refrains. For me the interest lies in turning the refrain into alternative meanings, to join them with the lines above and below to give different meanings to the same words.

If you'd like you can check the Poetry Practice threads here and read what some posters have done with refrains. It's quite a challenge.

I've never really tried my hand at poetry before, this is a first for me. I read through a bunch of poetic forms, picked one and tried to do something similar. I admit, embarrassing as it is, that I don't even recall at this point which form it was that I was trying to stay within, but I remember that I didn't succeed in staying within it very well. You'll notice that many of the lines are modifications of the lines that came before. This can be seen as lazy, I'm sure, but it was something that I wanted to focus on. Feedback is appreciated, and thank you for your time in advance.

hearts full of fire and heads filled with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
odds are against us but we shall prevail

hearts spilling fire and headstrong with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
together forever we cannot fail

tides crash against us yet we shall prevail
into the world we so boldly will go
adventure invites a wind in our sails

hands held so tightly that we cannot fail
into the world we so boldly will go
we'll outrun the roads and cut a new trail

peril compels we not slacken our sails
into the world we so boldly will go
time will not count us in his balanced scales

we'll run out of roads but forge a new trail
into the world we so boldly will go
us cutters of curtains, parters of veils

time will play tyrant but we will not quell this doesn't make sense to me.
into the world we so boldly will go
i'll stand beside you through any travail

no matter the world so boldly we'll go

Hi Ellajam,

Thank you for the welcome and also for the feedback. Since writing this piece, I've had the suspicion that I should actually just chop off that whole last stanza completely. The line that doesn't make sense to you (time will play tyrant but we will not quell) was supposed to reference how time marches on inevitably, but that it should be rebelled against. However, I don't think that shows through very well in the wording and I'm not actually sure it adds a whole lot. Also the word I used to rhyme against it (travail), I was never completely sure that I liked in the piece at all.

There are some other small things that bother me about this piece, and I know that it needs a bit of a rewrite, but I wanted to have more outside opinions on it first to find out just how deep that rewrite needs to be. The poetry I've always liked the best has moved some emotion in me, a little or a lot, when I read it, so I guess my biggest question to people before I delve into rewriting this would be: did you feel anything when you read it, or did it amount to nothing more than some words tossed together? I can't see my attempt at this being complete until I can feel like it does something inside of the people reading it.

Thank you again for your input.

Edit: Oh, and I will check out the practice forums, too. I've been meaning to do that since signing up. More practice is never a bad thing.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello S.M. and welcome. I will try to make some general remarks on the poem, but before that I would say you bring a good attitude to the forum. Most important, IMO. I think starting with a form and trying to work within it is a worthwhile exercise. Also, a challenging way to begin. Well done.

I've never really tried my hand at poetry before, this is a first for me. I read through a bunch of poetic forms, picked one and tried to do something similar. I admit, embarrassing as it is, that I don't even recall at this point which form it was that I was trying to stay within, but I remember that I didn't succeed in staying within it very well. You'll notice that many of the lines are modifications of the lines that came before. This can be seen as lazy, I'm sure, but it was something that I wanted to focus on. Feedback is appreciated, and thank you for your time in advance.

hearts full of fire and heads filled with tales
into the world we so boldly will go If the refrain is the nuts and bolts of the piece, you want it clear and concise. I was able to find the rhythm, but I think you could do without "so" or "will" or both.

odds are against us but we shall prevail

hearts spilling fire and headstrong with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
together forever we cannot fail

tides crash against us yet we shall prevail
into the world we so boldly will go
adventure invites a wind in our sails"to our sails" might be stronger.

hands held so tightly that we cannot faila little wordy
into the world we so boldly will go
we'll outrun the roads and cut a new trail

peril compels we not slacken our sails
into the world we so boldly will go
time will not count us in his balanced scales

we'll run out of roads but forge a new trail
into the world we so boldly will go
us cutters of curtains, parters of veilsCould be the strongest line in the piece but that "parters" is not actually a word. I think it's ok to invent words, but it has to be very deliberate and critically instrumental to the piece. I would probably go with "lifters"

time will play tyrant but we will not quell
into the world we so boldly will go
i'll stand beside you through any travail

no matter the world so boldly we'll go

Thanks for sharing and good luck. -Paul

[S.M. Bondurant]

Hello S.M. and welcome. I will try to make some general remarks on the poem, but before that I would say you bring a good attitude to the forum. Most important, IMO. I think starting with a form and trying to work within it is a worthwhile exercise. Also, a challenging way to begin. Well done.

I've never really tried my hand at poetry before, this is a first for me. I read through a bunch of poetic forms, picked one and tried to do something similar. I admit, embarrassing as it is, that I don't even recall at this point which form it was that I was trying to stay within, but I remember that I didn't succeed in staying within it very well. You'll notice that many of the lines are modifications of the lines that came before. This can be seen as lazy, I'm sure, but it was something that I wanted to focus on. Feedback is appreciated, and thank you for your time in advance.

hearts full of fire and heads filled with tales
into the world we so boldly will go If the refrain is the nuts and bolts of the piece, you want it clear and concise. I was able to find the rhythm, but I think you could do without "so" or "will" or both.

odds are against us but we shall prevail

hearts spilling fire and headstrong with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
together forever we cannot fail

tides crash against us yet we shall prevail
into the world we so boldly will go
adventure invites a wind in our sails"to our sails" might be stronger.

hands held so tightly that we cannot faila little wordy
into the world we so boldly will go
we'll outrun the roads and cut a new trail

peril compels we not slacken our sails
into the world we so boldly will go
time will not count us in his balanced scales

we'll run out of roads but forge a new trail
into the world we so boldly will go
us cutters of curtains, parters of veilsCould be the strongest line in the piece but that "parters" is not actually a word. I think it's ok to invent words, but it has to be very deliberate and critically instrumental to the piece. I would probably go with "lifters"

time will play tyrant but we will not quell
into the world we so boldly will go
i'll stand beside you through any travail

no matter the world so boldly we'll go

Thanks for sharing and good luck. -Paul

Thank you for all of your input, Tiger. What are your feelings on a refrain compromise in the form of 'into the world so boldly we'll go'? I admit that some of the excess words are partially because I have a habit of being too wordy and also partially because I was trying to keep each line at ten syllables.

I agree fully on the parter/lifter bit. If anything, parter (being not a real word anyway) would have worked better for the curtains, since those are traditionally parted. Lifting does make more sense for a veil, now that I'm looking at it again. I think 'cutters of curtains' was born of a forced alliteration.

On your other points, noted, and I will take them into consideration when I do sit down to rewrite this.

[ellajam]

Hi, SM, Welcome.

I'm no expert on forms but I have been trying to learn to work with refrains. For me the interest lies in turning the refrain into alternative meanings, to join them with the lines above and below to give different meanings to the same words.

If you'd like you can check the Poetry Practice threads here and read what some posters have done with refrains. It's quite a challenge.

I've never really tried my hand at poetry before, this is a first for me. I read through a bunch of poetic forms, picked one and tried to do something similar. I admit, embarrassing as it is, that I don't even recall at this point which form it was that I was trying to stay within, but I remember that I didn't succeed in staying within it very well. You'll notice that many of the lines are modifications of the lines that came before. This can be seen as lazy, I'm sure, but it was something that I wanted to focus on. Feedback is appreciated, and thank you for your time in advance.

hearts full of fire and heads filled with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
odds are against us but we shall prevail

hearts spilling fire and headstrong with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
together forever we cannot fail

tides crash against us yet we shall prevail
into the world we so boldly will go
adventure invites a wind in our sails

hands held so tightly that we cannot fail
into the world we so boldly will go
we'll outrun the roads and cut a new trail

peril compels we not slacken our sails
into the world we so boldly will go
time will not count us in his balanced scales

we'll run out of roads but forge a new trail
into the world we so boldly will go
us cutters of curtains, parters of veils

time will play tyrant but we will not quell this doesn't make sense to me.
into the world we so boldly will go
i'll stand beside you through any travail

no matter the world so boldly we'll go

Hi Ellajam,

Thank you for the welcome and also for the feedback. Since writing this piece, I've had the suspicion that I should actually just chop off that whole last stanza completely. The line that doesn't make sense to you (time will play tyrant but we will not quell) was supposed to reference how time marches on inevitably, but that it should be rebelled against. However, I don't think that shows through very well in the wording and I'm not actually sure it adds a whole lot. Also the word I used to rhyme against it (travail), I was never completely sure that I liked in the piece at all.

There are some other small things that bother me about this piece, and I know that it needs a bit of a rewrite, but I wanted to have more outside opinions on it first to find out just how deep that rewrite needs to be. The poetry I've always liked the best has moved some emotion in me, a little or a lot, when I read it, so I guess my biggest question to people before I delve into rewriting this would be: did you feel anything when you read it, or did it amount to nothing more than some words tossed together? I can't see my attempt at this being complete until I can feel like it does something inside of the people reading it.

Thank you again for your input.

Edit: Oh, and I will check out the practice forums, too. I've been meaning to do that since signing up. More practice is never a bad thing.

I want to answer your question about whether or not I felt anything reading your poem. I'm a writer and reader who enjoys an emotional core in a poem and this one did not come through for me. I think the reason is twofold. First I think you've used so many cliches that there was no new use of language that grabbed me, they sort of sucked the life out of it. An example:

hands held so tightly that we cannot fail

Hands held tightly is a cliche, there must be some new way the describe the closeness two people feel. Which leads me to the second problem I have with the poem, which is that for me it read like a list. You told me but never gave me an inside track into what makes those people close or what they have faced or will face.

The other problem I have with that line is it doesn't make sense to me. People can hold hands tightly and fall on their faces or off a cliff, it does not ensure success.

Enough? I hope this came off as constructive as I meant it. Keep at it.

[S.M. Bondurant]

Hi, SM, Welcome.

I'm no expert on forms but I have been trying to learn to work with refrains. For me the interest lies in turning the refrain into alternative meanings, to join them with the lines above and below to give different meanings to the same words.

If you'd like you can check the Poetry Practice threads here and read what some posters have done with refrains. It's quite a challenge.

Hi Ellajam,

Thank you for the welcome and also for the feedback. Since writing this piece, I've had the suspicion that I should actually just chop off that whole last stanza completely. The line that doesn't make sense to you (time will play tyrant but we will not quell) was supposed to reference how time marches on inevitably, but that it should be rebelled against. However, I don't think that shows through very well in the wording and I'm not actually sure it adds a whole lot. Also the word I used to rhyme against it (travail), I was never completely sure that I liked in the piece at all.

There are some other small things that bother me about this piece, and I know that it needs a bit of a rewrite, but I wanted to have more outside opinions on it first to find out just how deep that rewrite needs to be. The poetry I've always liked the best has moved some emotion in me, a little or a lot, when I read it, so I guess my biggest question to people before I delve into rewriting this would be: did you feel anything when you read it, or did it amount to nothing more than some words tossed together? I can't see my attempt at this being complete until I can feel like it does something inside of the people reading it.

Thank you again for your input.

Edit: Oh, and I will check out the practice forums, too. I've been meaning to do that since signing up. More practice is never a bad thing.

I want to answer your question about whether or not I felt anything reading your poem. I'm a writer and reader who enjoys an emotional core in a poem and this one did not come through for me. I think the reason is twofold. First I think you've used so many cliches that there was no new use of language that grabbed me, they sort of sucked the life out of it. An example:

hands held so tightly that we cannot fail

Hands held tightly is a cliche, there must be some new way the describe the closeness two people feel. Which leads me to the second problem I have with the poem, which is that for me it read like a list. You told me but never gave me an inside track into what makes those people close or what they have faced or will face.

The other problem I have with that line is it doesn't make sense to me. People can hold hands tightly and fall on their faces or off a cliff, it does not ensure success.

Enough? I hope this came off as constructive as I meant it. Keep at it.

Fear not, your criticism is very constructive. I feel like I know so little at this point and I fall into so many beginner's traps, that most any thoughtful criticism will be of great help.

Thank you for answering the question I set out.

Everything you say makes sense. It does read like a list a bit, I agree, and my insight for you into that is because this was something that I wrote for someone specific, the woman in my life. She, of course, already knows what makes us close and what we've faced.

That may also explain why you find some very overly romanticized notions in there such as holding hands so tight that you cannot fail. You're right, it doesn't make much sense in a logical context.

But for that reason, because she is that woman in my life, I want to make this piece into something more for her. I suppose that means practice, practice, practice and read, read, read.

I do use a lot of cliches, and this is something that I should work on.

I hope the next time you see this particular piece, I've moved it closer to being able to grab at some emotion in you.

Thank you again for your time and your advice! The honest criticism helps a lot.

[billy]

it has the feel of wanting to be a villanelle. if you click the link you'll see some of the similarities. having the refrains as the middle lines isn't one of them, so you could be trying a different form.

the meter needs to be constant


with hearts full of fire and heads filled with tales (using fire as one syllable)
into the world we boldly go
odds are against us but we shall prevail though that's not the best example i've used.

the rhymes would be better as perfect rhymes. tales/prevail could be altered to get a better rhyme.

a good effort but try and stick to the exact form until you more or less get it, then is the best time to try to alter it. best to know how something works if you want to build a different one.

hearts full of fire and heads filled with tales
into the world we so boldly will go in general, reverse syntax doesn't do you any favours
odds are against us but we shall prevail

hearts spilling fire and headstrong with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
together forever we cannot fail

tides crash against us yet we shall prevail
into the world we so boldly will go
adventure invites a wind in our sails

hands held so tightly that we cannot fail
into the world we so boldly will go
we'll outrun the roads and cut a new trail

peril compels we not slacken our sails
into the world we so boldly will go
time will not count us in his balanced scales

we'll run out of roads but forge a new trail
into the world we so boldly will go
us cutters of curtains, parters of veils

time will play tyrant but we will not quell
into the world we so boldly will go
i'll stand beside you through any travail

no matter the world so boldly we'll go