Posts: 110
Threads: 31
Joined: May 2010
18 big rubber wheels
hot on the pavement
stacks of bones
long on the bed
wide and thin
powerful chains
wrapped around them
make that eerie
clinking sound
the red marks there
as if to show
the blood
bone marrow
center
Oxygen givers
were the trees
giving air
freely, to you
and me
but now
they’re wasted
log bones
hauled
across the
highways
instead of
growing in
the forests
the sacred trees
cry out for mercy
in their only voice
silence
they wait in hope
for a rescuer
to one day come
but there is none
no – not one
log bones
dead
on trucks
stripped of
their glory -
just so we can
wipe our ass.
[/b]©
7/14/2010
Bianca
Bianca
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
This really struck a nerve with me. It's great how you get your readers to see the story from that different angle.
It might sound a bit too crass for you, but I think you can safely use the word "shit" around the end to really drive that point home... after all the allusions to blood and death, I think it could be rather fitting and make it sound a lot angrier.
Liked this one
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
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Joined: Dec 2009
i enjoyed it Bianca. specially the last verse.
i've always looked on trees as lungs but
i can also see them as log bones after reading the poem.
thanks for the read as always
Posts: 110
Threads: 31
Joined: May 2010
thanks guys, appreciate your comments. Wow, trees as lungs, cool! So Addy, what would you suggest for a penultimate stanza with shit in it? I'm curious - I like your idea.
Bianca
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Ah, well I wouldn't be able to write lines in keeping with yours, but something along the lines of how we thoughtlessly destroy that purity just to wallow in our own shit... obviously you can do it better

But even right now I really appreciate how much fury you let bleed into the piece and fuel it.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?