Ophelia

[Cherrie666pie]

Ophelia

I was your opheliac
I was your girl
Until you burned me
And slaughtered my world

I begged you to come back
But you never heard my plea
You turned and walked away
And my quiet plea became a scream

Of regret and revenge
Of tears and obsession
I became your opheliac
It became my disease
I became a monster
Who watched the world bleed

A year went by and I saw you again
But by then it was to late
My true colors began to show
I kept thinking of my hate

I almost cried in vengeance
But i knew it wouldn't last
Your opheliac has moved on
She is in your past

I tried to hide inside myself
But my crystal castle shattered
I'm a disease
My scream died away
Although it never mattered

Your beautiful opheliac gave up
She died inside
She got lost
And painted bloody pictures on the floor
Of death despair and war

I wanted you dead
I wanted to stain your carpet red
And burn your lies until you cried
Your opheliac has died

[Cherrie666pie]

Ophelia

I was your opheliac I am guessing this is a Shakespearean reference to a lovesick girl?
I was your girl
Until you burned me
And slaughtered my world But Ophelia went mad after she suffered loss and rejection. Maybe if you dropped "until" it would help, but these images feel clichéd, and the rhymes forced.

I begged you to come back
But you never heard my plea
You turned and walked away
And my quiet plea became a scream The repetition of "plea" is unnecessary. Scream is barely even alliterative, much less a rhyme. That would be ok if you hadn't earlier established a pattern.

Of regret and revenge
Of tears and obsession
I became your opheliac
It became my disease
I became a monster
Who watched the world bleed This part feels so emo..melodramatic and generic.

A year went by and I saw you again
But by then it was to late "To" should be "too"
My true colors began to show
I kept thinking of my hate Ophelia didn't "hate"..she grieved. She wasn't vengeful. Since you have chosen her as a metaphor, it should be in keeping with her character.

I almost cried in vengeance
But i knew it wouldn't last
Your opheliac has moved on
She is in your past But Ophelia didn't "move on". She died, either of misadventure, or suicide.

I tried to hide inside myself
But my crystal castle shattered
I'm a disease
My scream died away
Although it never mattered This feels like an add-on. It makes little sense.

Your beautiful opheliac gave up
She died inside
She got lost
And painted bloody pictures on the floor
Of death despair and war But earlier, you said she "moved on". So which is it?

I wanted you dead
I wanted to stain your carpet red
And burn your lies until you cried
Your opheliac has died See my previous comment.

My first impression is that this piece is meant to be song lyrics. Maybe I'm wrong.

This is marred with disparate images that make it lose focus, inaccurate takes on the character of Ophelia, very little rhythm or cadence, and lots of dead wood.

I would pare this down and tighten the language, as a start.

Thank you for your feedback.
When I rewrite this I will take your comments into consideration.

[Jinxy]

emilie autumn probably isn't the best artist to follow for poetic inspiration, she has like one good song and it's instrumental


Anyways, "I was your opheliac" then stuff happens and "I became your opheliac"? Maybe get the time-frame in order. the jumps between present, past tense are cluttered and hard to follow.


"
And painted bloody pictures on the floor
Of death despair and war"

I think this heartbroken girl would have more relevant things to focus on than painting pictures of 'Nam on the floor.