Preservation

[owl_eyes]

I am hollow.
I am untouched, dry of holy water.
I am the aggravated difference between half empty
And half full.

The girl in the mirror will not make eye contact with me anymore.
Like a liar in the streets, I drag shame at my ankles.
She doesn’t know I’m here.
She doesn’t know I’m gone.

With the heart of a demented mathematician
I carve Roman numerals into Greek parchment skin.
My value is found in red-segment measurements,
In a shiver down the spine come out of hiding.
I never cared much for antiques.

I preserve a flawed skeleton
Within a dimension of clean cut glass.
When I gaze upon its beauty, they tell me they see broken bones.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
And I have gone blind.

I awake in bruises, scattered black and blue,
In the tiny broken vessels
I want to sail,
I want to drown.

This is not poetic.
This is not beautiful.
This is a delusion in the eyes of a mannequin
Searching for her bones.

This is not beautiful.

[Brownlie]

Hello, Owl Eyes you've got quite an ominous name. Owl's were often used as symbols of death, or something.

I am hollow. --Too Abstract for my taste

I am untouched, dry of holy water.
I am the aggravated difference between half empty
And half full. -- I'm not sure I fully get this. Perhaps others will understand, or perhaps you're playing with meaning too flippantly.

The girl in the mirror will not make eye contact with me anymore.
Like a liar in the streets, I drag shame at my ankles.
She doesn’t know I’m here.
She doesn’t know I’m gone. -- I'm not sure about the anaphora. I have mainly read a lot of old poetry and never write free verse, but I think anaphora can work well after a series of strong verses to finish them off. The disassociation between the image and the speaker seems to point to a mental illness.


With the heart of a demented mathematician -- I'm not sure you need demented. You may even be able to say "As a mathematician."
I carve Roman numerals into Greek parchment skin. -- I'm not sure I get this, is it a reference?
My value is found in red-segment measurements,
In a shiver down the spine come out of hiding.
I never cared much for antiques. -- This seems to be deriding classical poetry where the sources were Greek and roman mythology.

I preserve a flawed skeleton
Within a dimension of clean cut glass.
When I gaze upon its beauty, they tell me they see broken bones.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder -- Cliché that I would get rid of.
And I have gone blind.

I awake in bruises, scattered black and blue,
In the tiny broken vessels
I want to sail,
I want to drown.

This is not poetic.
This is not beautiful.
This is a delusion in the eyes of a mannequin
Searching for her bones.

This is not beautiful. -- Well, generally poems attempt to attain some sort of aesthetic. Even free verse can use tools to achieve a type of form in poetry.

Well, I left some comments that may or may not be helpful. You've got some interesting stuff, but I think you might want to check the site for some information on poetry. Thanks for posting.

[ChristopherSea]

I like the images and emotion herein owl_eyes. Here are some of my observations:

First, you don’t need to cap the first word of each line. I would eliminate one of those ‘I am’s in your opening stanza. Perhaps: I am hollow, untouched… ‘dry of unholy water’ is somewhat odd in syntax. Could you say something like, ‘…comprised of unholy water’. I like the way you express frustration of being torn between optimism and pessimism. I don't think the half empty/half full cliche use is problematic because of your novel use of it.

In stanza 2, the references to ‘she’ would more appropriately follow ‘the girl in the mirror, maybe without the repetition, i.e., ‘She doesn't know if I’m here or gone…’ Accordingly, ‘Like a liar…’ would be more potent and poignant closing this particular stanza.

In stanza 3, ‘demented’ seems to be the wrong word, as it implies a frenzied/haphazard technique, something like ‘deviant’ may serve your better. Roman and Greek clash, but that may be on purpose to reflect uncertainty/ambivalence once again. Nonetheless, ‘Greek parchment’ doesn't mean a lot and ‘parchment skin’ would suffice or 'my velum' might be cool (a parchment made of skin). You don’t need that comma after ‘measurements’, in fact, you can delete ‘measurements’. ‘Segments’ don’t have a defined length. The carving/cutting similie/analogy is well done.

In stanza 4, who are ‘they’? Is something beautiful if it is flawed? Possibly, but you aren't painting a pretty portrait herein. Also, the use of beauty seems to be there primarily to set up the beholder cliché. Maybe simply: ‘I see broken bones, but I am going blind’ or something in that vein would serve your poem better.

I think your closing would be stronger by striking the line repeat and ending on ‘her bones’. It's more powerful and visual that way. See what you think. Welcome to the site and good luck with your next edit./Chris

[Tiger the Lion]

I am hollow.
I am untouched, dry of holy water. You could remove the "I am" from L2 and L3
I am the aggravated difference between half empty
And half full.

The girl in the mirror will not make eye contact with me anymore.
Like a liar in the streets, I drag shame at my ankles.
She doesn’t know I’m here.
She doesn’t know I’m gone.

With the heart of a demented mathematician Reads better, for me at least, if these 2 lines were inverted
I carve Roman numerals into Greek parchment skin.

My value is found in red-segment measurements,
In a shiver down the spine come out of hiding.
I never cared much for antiques.

I preserve a flawed skeleton
Within a dimension of clean cut glass. I don't understand this line
When I gaze upon its beauty, they tell me they see broken bones.Who are "they"
Beauty is in the eye of the beholderCliche, as previously noted
And I have gone blind.

I awake in bruises, scattered black and blue,
In the tiny broken vessels
I want to sail,
I want to drown.

This is not poetic.
This is not beautiful.
This is a delusion in the eyes of a mannequin
Searching for her bones.

This is not beautiful.

Hi Owl eyes. Thanks for the posting. I hope my notes are helpful. I am trying to avoid too many "I"'s in my own writing, but am learning. With some effort you might be able to strike most of them. Good luck. - Paul