On a cold spring morning

[fantods]

On a cold spring
Morning, caught
In all our waking
Hours, the sun rises
Out of the deep pines
It is our friend, see
Him read the lay
Of the promised land
The networks of roads and people-
See him shout down the
Close brick houses
Drunk as Dionysus as summer turns-
Or a wildcat weeping as we sing dirges
A pregnant mother’s laugh at celebration songs
He is our friend, happy as can be
Washing the blood from the night,
That same dawn- that same dawn what breaks
Over and over.

[just mercedes]

I've left you some thoughts about your poem - well done, and thanks for posting it.

On a cold spring
Morning, caught
In all our waking
Hours, the sun rises
Out of the deep pines I like the image
It is our friend, see
Him read the lay It? Or him?
Of the promised land 'read the lay / of the promised land' is a bit obscure for me
The networks of roads and people-
See him shout down the
Close brick houses
Drunk as Dionysus as summer turns- two 'as' too close together - another in the next line too
Or a wildcat weeping as we sing dirges why dirges? it's morning
A pregnant mother’s laugh at celebration songs I miss the meaning here too
He is our friend, happy as can be
Washing the blood from the night, nice visual of a red sunrise
That same dawn- that same dawn what breaks this line looks a bit clumsy - I'm sure you can rewrite it
Over and over.

Hi - and welcome! Maybe billy will stop by and tell you how to keep your format.

[billy]

have a look here to see how to format your work.

On a cold spring
                Morning, caught
                In all our waking
Hours, the sun rises
                Out of the deep pines
It is our friend, see
Him read the lay
Of the promised land
The networks of roads and people-
See him shout down the
Close brick houses
Drunk as Dionysus as summer turns-
Or a wildcat weeping as we sing dirges
A pregnant mother’s laugh at celebration songs
He is our friend, happy as can be
Washing the blood from the night,
That same dawn- that same dawn what breaks
Over and over.