When Fogs Collide

[Namyh]

When Fogs Collide

In a forest bent by breeze,
blowing branches over leaves,
came a thump, thump, thump in the midnight.
All gone was the starlight,
even absent was the moonlight
but a white fog glowed silent, slipping thru the trees.

I stopped and froze from smiling
‘cause my fear did find beguiling
how this eerie froth of floating grace,
ejecta from some spectral place,
could turn and twist in one ‘bout face
and send my fears colliding.

It pulsed a light and started thumping,
made me feel like jumping, jumping
off to where I could have been
so I could jump right from my skin
and sprout some wings to ride the wind
and feel my fears subsiding.

Closer came it creeping, creeping
but to me it seemed as leaping
like it had some ultra aim
than scaring me out wits and brains
which now in shock I must proclaim
it passed me thumping, thumping.

I turned to catch one moment’s bliss.
A second fog did merge. They kissed.
Tears I cried yet not for me
but for two fogs heard jubilantly
who found in a universe of sky and mist
each another on a forest plain like this

and I felt prized over all above
to have witnessed the thumpings of fogs in Love
and realized that Love is the searching pulse
of a heart that’s thumping for someone else.
And “just” when you think life is over or blue,
you’ll turn and a thumping will be looking at you !

Namyh

[Erthona]

Actually I did a critique on this earlier, I guess I forgot to push the send button. I think I said something to the effect that some disruption was cause in the reading by the meter being too long, or phrases like "thump, thump, thump," not only is the repetition jarring, but it also extends the meter to long. Some word phrases stood out like "ultra aim", it made me think you meant "ulterior aim"

Overall I love the idea embodied by the poem, and in general the way it was portrayed. It reminded me of "Sleepy Hollow" or maybe "Young Goodman Brown", in it's artful use of ambiguity It was just these problematic parts which threw me out of the poem that keep me from enjoying it to the fullest.


Dale

[Truerenigma]

When Fogs Collide

In a forest bent by breeze,
blowing branches over leaves,
came a thump, thump, thump in the midnight. Thump, thump thump is cumbersome here. Maybe try some like" Came a thumping in the moonlight" ?
All gone was the starlight,
even absent was the moonlight
but a white fog glowed silent, slipping thru the trees. through

I stopped and froze from smiling
‘cause my fear did find beguiling
how this eerie froth of floating grace,
ejecta from some spectral place,
could turn and twist in one ‘bout face
and send my fears colliding.

It pulsed a light and started thumping,
made me feel like jumping, jumping
off to where I could have been
so I could jump right from my skin
and sprout some wings to ride the wind
and feel my fears subsiding.

Closer came it creeping, creeping It came
but to me it seemed as leaping
like it had some ultra aim
than scaring me out wits and brains Of between wits and brain for better meter and more natural elocution.
which now in shock I must proclaim
it passed me thumping, thumping.

I turned to catch one moment’s bliss.
A second fog did merge. They kissed.
Tears I cried yet not for me This inversion is a bother. Maybe something like "I cried tears that weren't for me?
but for two fogs heard jubilantly
who found in a universe of sky and mist
each another on a forest plain like this maybe "one another?"

and I felt prized over all above
to have witnessed the thumpings of fogs in Love
and realized that Love is the searching pulse
of a heart that’s thumping for someone else.
And “just” when you think life is over or blue,
you’ll turn and a thumping will be looking at you !

Namyh

All and all I like it very much aside from the final stanza. If you made a few small changes, corrected the meter and inversions, and cut the last stanza you would have a good poem

The tears are enough to bring closure and get the message across, without beating the reader over the head with a rhetorical message. Which strangely makes the writing of the thing overly apparent and pulls the reader out of the experience, rather than deliver meaning.

Thanks for sharing.

[LorettaYoung]

When Fogs Collide

In a forest bent by breeze,
blowing branches over leaves,
came a thump, thump, thump in the midnight. Thump, thump thump is cumbersome here. Maybe try some like" Came a thumping in the moonlight" ?
All gone was the starlight,
even absent was the moonlight
but a white fog glowed silent, slipping thru the trees. through

I stopped and froze from smiling
‘cause my fear did find beguiling
how this eerie froth of floating grace,
ejecta from some spectral place,
could turn and twist in one ‘bout face
and send my fears colliding.

It pulsed a light and started thumping,
made me feel like jumping, jumping
off to where I could have been
so I could jump right from my skin
and sprout some wings to ride the wind
and feel my fears subsiding.

Closer came it creeping, creeping It came
but to me it seemed as leaping
like it had some ultra aim
than scaring me out wits and brains Of between wits and brain for better meter and more natural elocution.
which now in shock I must proclaim
it passed me thumping, thumping.

I turned to catch one moment’s bliss.
A second fog did merge. They kissed.
Tears I cried yet not for me This inversion is a bother. Maybe something like "I cried tears that weren't for me?
but for two fogs heard jubilantly
who found in a universe of sky and mist
each another on a forest plain like this maybe "one another?"

and I felt prized over all above
to have witnessed the thumpings of fogs in Love
and realized that Love is the searching pulse
of a heart that’s thumping for someone else.
And “just” when you think life is over or blue,
you’ll turn and a thumping will be looking at you !

Namyh

All and all I like it very much aside from the final stanza. If you made a few small changes, corrected the meter and inversions, and cut the last stanza you would have a good poem

The tears are enough to bring closure and get the message across, without beating the reader over the head with a rhetorical message. Which strangely makes the writing of the thing overly apparent and pulls the reader out of the experience, rather than deliver meaning.

Thanks for sharing.

---

Hi trueenigma: I like this very much, it appeals to my ethereal senses. Just a few minor suggestions, taken from someone pretty new to this, trying to be helpful, esp. because I like this:
S1, L3; I would say thump, thump in the night (or dark night). You say moonlight in the next few lines. L7 i would put on the next line for emphasis and to even lengths of line.
S4, L4- "rather" than scaring me of wits and brain
S3, Found a little hard to relate to "where you could have been" and would sprouting wings to fly on wind subside your fears?
S5: To make it clearer that both fogs merged.. and who "found a universe". Also, who found each other sounds good.
S6.L1 what does "over all above" mean?
Overall a pleasant read, enjoy the fantasy.Best Loretta

[Truerenigma]

When Fogs Collide

In a forest bent by breeze,
blowing branches over leaves,
came a thump, thump, thump in the midnight. Thump, thump thump is cumbersome here. Maybe try some like" Came a thumping in the moonlight" ?
All gone was the starlight,
even absent was the moonlight
but a white fog glowed silent, slipping thru the trees. through

I stopped and froze from smiling
‘cause my fear did find beguiling
how this eerie froth of floating grace,
ejecta from some spectral place,
could turn and twist in one ‘bout face
and send my fears colliding.

It pulsed a light and started thumping,
made me feel like jumping, jumping
off to where I could have been
so I could jump right from my skin
and sprout some wings to ride the wind
and feel my fears subsiding.

Closer came it creeping, creeping It came
but to me it seemed as leaping
like it had some ultra aim
than scaring me out wits and brains Of between wits and brain for better meter and more natural elocution.
which now in shock I must proclaim
it passed me thumping, thumping.

I turned to catch one moment’s bliss.
A second fog did merge. They kissed.
Tears I cried yet not for me This inversion is a bother. Maybe something like "I cried tears that weren't for me?
but for two fogs heard jubilantly
who found in a universe of sky and mist
each another on a forest plain like this maybe "one another?"

and I felt prized over all above
to have witnessed the thumpings of fogs in Love
and realized that Love is the searching pulse
of a heart that’s thumping for someone else.
And “just” when you think life is over or blue,
you’ll turn and a thumping will be looking at you !

Namyh

All and all I like it very much aside from the final stanza. If you made a few small changes, corrected the meter and inversions, and cut the last stanza you would have a good poem

The tears are enough to bring closure and get the message across, without beating the reader over the head with a rhetorical message. Which strangely makes the writing of the thing overly apparent and pulls the reader out of the experience, rather than deliver meaning.

Thanks for sharing.

---

Hi trueenigma: I like this very much, it appeals to my ethereal senses. Just a few minor suggestions, taken from someone pretty new to this, trying to be helpful, esp. because I like this:
S1, L3; I would say thump, thump in the night (or dark night). You say moonlight in the next few lines. L7 i would put on the next line for emphasis and to even lengths of line.
S4, L4- "rather" than scaring me of wits and brain
S3, Found a little hard to relate to "where you could have been" and would sprouting wings to fly on wind subside your fears?
S5: To make it clearer that both fogs merged.. and who "found a universe". Also, who found each other sounds good.
S6.L1 what does "over all above" mean?
Overall a pleasant read, enjoy the fantasy.Best Loretta

Loretta, I appreciate you offering me your help, but this isn't my poem.

Look above, it was written and posted by Namyh. I'm sure they will appreciate your feedback and suggestions though, as they should.

[Cherrie666pie]

When Fogs Collide

In a forest bent by breeze,
blowing branches over leaves,
came a thump, thump, thump in the midnight.
All gone was the starlight,
even absent was the moonlight
but a white fog glowed silent, slipping thru the trees.

I stopped and froze from smiling
‘cause my fear did find beguiling
how this eerie froth of floating grace,
ejecta from some spectral place,
could turn and twist in one ‘bout face
and send my fears colliding.

It pulsed a light and started thumping,
made me feel like jumping, jumping
off to where I could have been
so I could jump right from my skin
and sprout some wings to ride the wind
and feel my fears subsiding.

Closer came it creeping, creeping
but to me it seemed as leaping
like it had some ultra aim
than scaring me out wits and brains
which now in shock I must proclaim
it passed me thumping, thumping.

I turned to catch one moment’s bliss.
A second fog did merge. They kissed.
Tears I cried yet not for me
but for two fogs heard jubilantly
who found in a universe of sky and mist
each another on a forest plain like this

and I felt prized over all above
to have witnessed the thumpings of fogs in Love
and realized that Love is the searching pulse
of a heart that’s thumping for someone else.
And “just” when you think life is over or blue,
you’ll turn and a thumping will be looking at you !

Namyh

This is a pretty good and well thought out poem.
I absolutely loved the first two stanzas they really brought me into the poem and I was completely interested in what was going to happen next. The only thing I can think to suggest is about the last stanza. It was a little disappointing and I think the last line could use a little bit of work. Other than that I really enjoyed it(:

[Keith]

An interesting concept well worked, some of the rhymes come across as a little forced but you have plenty to go on by way of an edit so I will leave it at that, you have to keep an eye on them there fogs less the breed like tectakian frogs ;-) best keith