Cigarette Smoke

[nicksherman]

Cigarette smoke dulls
All that's too beautiful
I can breathe again

[tectak]

Cigarette smoke dulls
All that's too beautiful
I can breathe again

Hello nick,
It seems that you spend quite some time online checking to see if anyone has responded to your poem...have you read the site rules? Try giving another poster some critique...the favour will usually be returned. Unless, of course, you are just another fly-tipper...dropping your poem on the site and then running away. Surely not?
To your haiku(?) if that is your intention. Traditionalists like 5,7,5 syllables in the lines but you have avoided convention by the contraction of "that is" so you have 5,6,5 to no real purpose.
Content wise it is poorly expressed because you use the word "too", meaning excessively, and this ruins the sentiment by confusion. If beauty is excessive and cigarette smoke dulls it then result...but remember that it only dulls what is too beautiful and leaves the rest. Is that your point? Perhaps it is...but then comes the disconnect (not a juxtaposition) in the last line. Suddenly we switch from abstract imagery to hard physiological relief. Breathing?
No. For me thus fails on many levels but as the haiku was originally written in a single vertical line we pretenders can be excused the useful and informative punctuation. Or can we?
Best and read more haiku.
tectak

Latterly noted your crits so a response from you is expected

[Erthona]

Cigarette smoke dulls....5
all of which is beautiful..7
I can breathe again......5

This is a well worn theme, almost to the point of cliche. This poem doesn't really bring anything fresh to the theme. I'm also not convinced that this is the best format for the topic. In terms of a Haiku, there is no cutting word, or seasonal reference. Plus the change is too abrupt. I think you need to allow yourself more room. The following is not a suggestion, just and example:

Cigarette smoke dulls my senses
I want to see beauty of life again.
Abandoning this worthless habit,
I gain back what I lost;
I can breathe and smell again.

Also, I have check, and you have commented more than you are given credit for. Hopefully this will get resolved soon.

Dale

Thanks for the opportunity to post this reminder.
While all posts are appreciated, only critiques in the Novice, Mild or Serious workshops count towards the five needed for full membership. ella

[nicksherman]

Tectak - I haven't been on the site in a while, but I've posted two poems and have commented on quite a few more than that.

As far as your critique goes, I appreciate it. I admit, I don't know a ton about haiku's, so I'll definitely take some time and familiarize myself. Thanks


Erthona - I appreciate the critique. Expanding the poem may be the best thing to do. I'll strongly consider it. Thanks