Setting the table (first edit )

[Tiger the Lion]

Setting the Table

(edit Erthona, ellajam, billy)




The microwave oven came for Christmas,
the same year as the Big Bang,
and we reheated gravy
like it was nobody's business
whether we said Grace first,
or not.

We watched it bubbling over,
and bubbled over ourselves, a little,
drunk with optimism
and toasting to now,
finally arrived with a box of wine.

We had a three year affair
with three minute popcorn,
and whatever our lot was,
the plot was for the house to smell of theatre.
That was good enough for us.

My mother served up trifle
in a champagne glass
thin enough for any sweet-tooth
to bite clean through,
but her coffee was total shit-
a shame because some of us
looked forward to it,
even more than the gravy.

She always kept the gravy hot,
but too often there was more to the meat
than we could gloss over
with chewed fat and drippings.

This year we made hot dogs-
in the microwave,
so the place doesn't smell
of the same home-cooked play as last year.
It's so much easier for things to get harder now.
We're more prepared for big bangs
when you press the wrong button
or keep something in too long.


[/u]
Setting the table original

The microwave oven came to our house for Christmas the same year as the Big Bang.
And we reheated gravy like it was nobody's business whether we said Grace first, or not.
We watched it bubbling over.
And we bubbled over ourselves, a little,
Toasting to a pastel future,
Toasting to now, finally arrived and with wine.

We had a three year affair with three minute popcorn,
And whatever our lot was,
The plot was for the house to smell of theatre,
And that was good enough for us.

My mother served trifle in a champagne glass,
That any sweet-tooth would bite through to taste.
But her coffee was total shit;
A shame because some of us looked forward to it,
More than the gravy even.

She always kept the gravy hot,
But sometimes there was more to the meat than we could gloss over,
With chewed fat and drippings.

This year we made hot dogs in the microwave,
So the place doesn't smell of the same home-cooked play as last year.
It's so much easier for things to get harder now.
We're more prepared for big bangs,
When you press the wrong button,
Or keep something in too long.

[ellajam]

Hi Tiger, a lot to like here, it portrays the love affair followed by disenchantment we experience on so many levels. A side note: Do you feel the poem gains anything by capitalizing the start of each line? For me it impedes the read. Here are a few notes.

Setting the table

The microwave oven came to our house for Christmas the same year as the Big Bang.
And we reheated gravy like it was nobody's business whether we said Grace first, or not.
We watched it bubbling over.
And we bubbled over ourselves, a little,
Toasting to a pastel future,
Toasting to now, finally arrived and with wine.
Fine opening, I like the tone, the bubbling, the stepping up. Pastel is the only nit I have here, just meh.

We had a three year affair with three minute popcorn, Love this line, an era defined, reinforced by the theater that follows.
And whatever our lot was,
The plot was for the house to smell of theatre,
And that was good enough for us.

My mother served trifle in a champagne glass,
That any sweet-tooth would bite through to taste. Something awkward here.
But her coffee was total shit; Stops the bubbling dead, did you mean to?
A shame because some of us looked forward to it,
More than the gravy even.

She always kept the gravy hot,
But sometimes there was more to the meat than we could gloss over,
With chewed fat and drippings.
You might consider shifting this up closer to the other gravy.

This year we made hot dogs in the microwave,
So the place doesn't smell of the same home-cooked play as last year.
It's so much easier for things to get harder now.
We're more prepared for big bangs,
When you press the wrong button,
Or keep something in too long.
Strong end.

Thanks for the read.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks for the thoughtful notes ellajam. I posted this one because I've been editing it in circles for awhile, so I appreciate the help.
1) I'm not in love with the caps on each line. More a product of auto-correct fatigue.
2) Not in love with "pastel" either. Thanks for confirming.
3) I wanted the 2nd stanza to feel a bit like a hangover, but you're right, it is still more awkward than needed. I think I can chop a few words.
4) Glad you liked the end. I'm still not happy with the word "keep", but it works better than "hold" or "leave".

Very helpful guidance. Thanks,
Paul

[ellajam]

Thanks for the thoughtful notes ellajam. I posted this one because I've been editing it in circles for awhile, so I appreciate the help.
1) I'm not in love with the caps on each line. More a product of auto-correct fatigue.
2) Not in love with "pastel" either. Thanks for confirming.
3) I wanted the 2nd stanza to feel a bit like a hangover, but you're right, it is still more awkward than needed. I think I can chop a few words.
4) Glad you liked the end. I'm still not happy with the word "keep", but it works better than "hold" or "leave".

Very helpful guidance. Thanks,
Paul

I like keep, it's the one that works best for both microwave and emotions.

[Tiger the Lion]

Agreed on keep then. Also, I meant 3rd stanza, not 2nd. I want it to be difficult, but not awkward. I've changed pastel to plastic. I think it's more generic to what I want to say.
Thanks again.

[Erthona]

Paul,

"even more than the gravy."

I thought that the mixture of extremely long lines with short lines made the reading more difficult than it needed to be. I also agree with ella about capping the start of every line. Not only does it make the reading more difficult, but stylistically it disappeared in the 1950's.

My favorite line was "We had a three year affair with three minute popcorn".


dale the coffee smeller

[billy]

i like it a lot mainly because it holds the fun of having a new gadget. like a first tv. would there be any advantage in breaking the longer lines, i think you could also make it a little less wordy.
The microwave oven came to our house for Christmas
in the year of the Big Bang.
(used in so there wouldn't be two the's on top of each other) just suggestions.

Setting the table

The microwave oven came to our house for Christmas the same year as the Big Bang.
And we reheated gravy like it was nobody's business whether we said Grace first, or not.
We watched it bubbling over.
And we bubbled over ourselves, a little,
Toasting to a pastel future,
Toasting to now, finally arrived and with wine.

We had a three year affair with three minute popcorn, this line makes me remember lots of similar thing. (home made ice lolly containers etc)
And whatever our lot was,
The plot was for the house to smell of theatre,
And that was good enough for us.

My mother served trifle in a champagne glass,
That any sweet-tooth would bite through to taste.
But her coffee was total shit;
A shame because some of us looked forward to it,
More than the gravy even.

She always kept the gravy hot,
But sometimes there was more to the meat than we could gloss over,
With chewed fat and drippings.

This year we made hot dogs in the microwave,
So the place doesn't smell of the same home-cooked play as last year.
It's so much easier for things to get harder now.
We're more prepared for big bangs,
When you press the wrong button,
Or keep something in too long.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thank you Billy. I really want the first line to be like an introduction, an intentionally long line. But you made me think, it doesn't really have that effect unless all the other lines are kept more trim. I think that was Dale's concern with the scrambled line lengths too. Still juggling the comments before attempting a rewrite.

[tmanzano]

Setting the table

The microwave oven came to our house for Christmas the same year as the Big Bang.
And we reheated gravy like it was nobody's business whether we said Grace first, or not.
We watched it bubbling over.
And we bubbled over ourselves, a little,
Toasting to a pastel future,
Toasting to now, finally arrived and with wine.

We had a three year affair with three minute popcorn,
And whatever our lot was,
The plot was for the house to smell of theatre,
And that was good enough for us.

My mother served trifle in a champagne glass,
That any sweet-tooth would bite through to taste.
But her coffee was total shit;
A shame because some of us looked forward to it,
More than the gravy even.

She always kept the gravy hot,
But sometimes there was more to the meat than we could gloss over,
With chewed fat and drippings.

This year we made hot dogs in the microwave,
So the place doesn't smell of the same home-cooked play as last year.
It's so much easier for things to get harder now.
We're more prepared for big bangs,
When you press the wrong button,
Or keep something in too long.

I agree with some or one that mentioned the line lengths, but aside from that... I adored this. So many moments that snapped me back. Your use of words are playful and imaginative. I would not touch this piece myself, well other than tightening the overall line lengths, but that for me would only be aesthetic. Such a wonderful read. Thank you for posting it. I will be back to read it again as it makes me smile and chuckle a little. I even appreciate the slight sense of foreboding in your closing lines. It made me appreciate the good old times. Sorry I could not be more constructive.

[jakesalive86]

I love the transition from novelty to disenchantment. Stanzas 3 & 4 show the waning of enthusiasm by calling out the imperfections i.e. shit coffee and "more to the meat than we could gloss over"

[Tiger the Lion]

Setting the table

The microwave oven came to our house for Christmas the same year as the Big Bang.
And we reheated gravy like it was nobody's business whether we said Grace first, or not.
We watched it bubbling over.
And we bubbled over ourselves, a little,
Toasting to a pastel future,
Toasting to now, finally arrived and with wine.

We had a three year affair with three minute popcorn,
And whatever our lot was,
The plot was for the house to smell of theatre,
And that was good enough for us.

My mother served trifle in a champagne glass,
That any sweet-tooth would bite through to taste.
But her coffee was total shit;
A shame because some of us looked forward to it,
More than the gravy even.

She always kept the gravy hot,
But sometimes there was more to the meat than we could gloss over,
With chewed fat and drippings.

This year we made hot dogs in the microwave,
So the place doesn't smell of the same home-cooked play as last year.
It's so much easier for things to get harder now.
We're more prepared for big bangs,
When you press the wrong button,
Or keep something in too long.

I agree with some or one that mentioned the line lengths, but aside from that... I adored this. So many moments that snapped me back. Your use of words are playful and imaginative. I would not touch this piece myself, well other than tightening the overall line lengths, but that for me would only be aesthetic. Such a wonderful read. Thank you for posting it. I will be back to read it again as it makes me smile and chuckle a little. I even appreciate the slight sense of foreboding in your closing lines. It made me appreciate the good old times. Sorry I could not be more constructive.

Thank you for the kind words, tmanzano. I am so pleased you enjoyed it. - Paul

[71degrees]

Setting the table

The microwave oven came to our house for Christmas the same year as the Big Bang.
And we reheated gravy like it was nobody's business whether we said Grace first, or not.
We watched it bubbling over.
And we bubbled over ourselves, a little,
Toasting to a pastel future,
Toasting to now, finally arrived and with wine.

We had a three year affair with three minute popcorn,
And whatever our lot was,
The plot was for the house to smell of theatre,
And that was good enough for us.

My mother served trifle in a champagne glass,
That any sweet-tooth would bite through to taste.
But her coffee was total shit;
A shame because some of us looked forward to it,
More than the gravy even.

She always kept the gravy hot,
But sometimes there was more to the meat than we could gloss over,
With chewed fat and drippings.

This year we made hot dogs in the microwave,
So the place doesn't smell of the same home-cooked play as last year.
It's so much easier for things to get harder now.
We're more prepared for big bangs,
When you press the wrong button,
Or keep something in too long.

This is so fun to read. I remember my mother (using a micro wave for the first time) putting a roast beef sandwich from Arby's (the kind wrapped in tin foil) into a microwave to warm it up. Sparks were flying. She was crying. My sisters were all laughing. Dad was yelling. It was one crazy scene. Don't know if the "Big Bang" reference was intentional, but w/the popularity of the TV show, it doesn't hurt. Ditch the capitals on each line. Very passé….

Really enjoyed this. Thanks for posting. This would be a riot at a poetry reading.

[Tiger the Lion]

71, thanks for reading and commenting. The capitals were not really intentional, lazy if anything. They are already gone from the careful rewrite I'm working on. And yes, there must be millions of crazy microwave stories out there. I'm pretty happy with my use of the device, so to speak.
Paul

[Tiger the Lion]

Finally an edit for those who took the time to help me with this. I was genuinely surprised and schooled by almost all the comments. Thanks to Dale, Ella, Billy on the edit. - I'm never sure about edits. They always feel like the original's love child - good or bad.
- Paul

[ellajam]

I like the edit. It reads beautifully and you didn't muck it up with too heavy a hand. Well done.

[Tiger the Lion]

Resurrecting this one for Christmas. Firstly because I am a little partial to it, secondly because I feel it has a whole whack of problems I've still yet  to address. (mostly lumps in the gravy). Merry Christmas everyone.
Paul

[Wjames]

Setting the Table

(edit Erthona, ellajam, billy)




The microwave oven came for Christmas, Is oven necessary? I always just call it a microwave. I also don't thing you need the comma at the end of this line - I don't naturally pause.
the same year as the Big Bang,
and we reheated gravy
like it was nobody's business
whether we said Grace first,
or not. I like the combination of Big Bang, and a lack of grace. It also makes me wonder what you mean by big bang, which I liked for an opening stanza.

We watched it bubbling over,
and bubbled over ourselves, a little,
drunk with optimism
and toasting to now,
finally arrived with a box of wine. What arrived with a box of wine? The optimistic feeling? The microwave, along with the optimistic feeling? This stanza's a little confusing to me.

We had a three year affair
with three minute popcorn,
and  whatever our lot was,
the plot was for the house to smell of theatre.
That was good enough for us. I really like this stanza.

My mother served up trifle
in a champagne glass
thin enough for any sweet-tooth
to bite clean through, I think the line-breaks here don't really add anything. If I were you I would combine the first and second lines, and the third and fourth lines.
but her coffee was total shit-
a shame because some of us
looked forward to it, I don't naturally pause at this comma.
even more than the gravy.

She always kept the gravy hot,
but too often there was more to the meat
than we could gloss over
with chewed fat and drippings.

This year we made hot dogs-
in the microwave,
so the place doesn't smell
of the same home-cooked play as last year.
It's so much easier for things to get harder now. I like this line - I take harder to mean overcooked/dried out.
We're more prepared for big bangs
when you press the wrong button
or keep something in too long. I like how you brought it back to the big bang to end.

I like the poem, just a few knits for me here and there.