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Tongues loosen,
fall to the floor
like bar keep change
lights tip,
pool cues dip
everybody’s touched,
everything is moved.
An evening begins with a rock
plant grows on rock
animal eats plant
person eats animal
person dies of overeating
an evening begins anew with a rock.
One girl leaves her grief in the car;
to her, it is no more than foreskin
on a soft-skinned pear.
In the mirror behind the bottles
is the one who accompanies you
on these nights rich in hypocrisy.
It’s good to know tall glasses
are for drinks; most folks don’t
realize what their thirst is for.
Wings, talons, all that hair:
do not heed the hawk’s lecture
when you’ve got it all, babe.
At the end of the night,
most are sparrows
in winter branches
without a name;
the last one out
shuts the door.
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Hi 71degrees: i would like to see what the hypocracy and thirst is about; I am sorry but I don't see connected thoughts; perhaps this is too abstract for me. Loretta
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Joined: Sep 2013
(06-12-2014, 12:53 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: Hi 71degrees: i would like to see what the hypocracy and thirst is about; I am sorry but I don't see connected thoughts; perhaps this is too abstract for me. Loretta
Perhaps you are correct, but I was a bartender all through college. At the time, it didn't seem so abstract. On a side note: thirst for alcohol is all about hypocrisy. But that's just from my perspective.
In any case, thanks for the short look.
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This starts very well (I really like the first two stanzas), but begins to loose me on the rock-plant-animal thing. I really have no idea what that is supposed to mean. I thought at first you were equating rock with ice, but that doesn't really seem to be where it is going. I too was a bartender for awhile, and most of this does not seem very obvious to me.
I can't say this image helps what you are describing, but does not seem necessary to interject the narrative explanation of "to her".
maybe
"One girl leaves her grief in the car;
it is no more than foreskin
on a soft-skinned pear."
I get the anger at drinkers, as many are not that pleasant, but I'm not really sure that the self-righteousness really benefits the poem.
As this is in Mild Critique I'll stop there.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(06-12-2014, 12:29 AM)71degrees Wrote: Tongues loosen,
fall to the floor
like bar keep change
lights tip,
pool cues dip
everybody’s touched,
everything is moved.
An evening begins with a rock
plant grows on rock
animal eats plant
person eats animal
person dies of overeating
an evening begins anew with a rock. this stanza feels like a different poem
One girl leaves her grief in the car;
to her, it is no more than foreskin
on a soft-skinned pear. this is the best stanza
In the mirror behind the bottlesso far everything has been in third person, why change now? What hypocrisy?
is the one who accompanies you
on these nights rich in hypocrisy.
It’s good to know tall glasses
are for drinks; most folks don’t
realize what their thirst is for. i think this should end the poem
Wings, talons, all that hair:
do not heed the hawk’s lecture
when you’ve got it all, babe.
At the end of the night,
most are sparrows
in winter branches
without a name;
the last one out
shuts the door.
I kinda like the idea of opening by describing the scene, then pointing out several characters [as in stanza 5] and closing with what i think is the main point of this poem, stanza 7.
The animal stanza is cliche and comes out as just words to me.
Posts: 443
Threads: 99
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(06-12-2014, 01:02 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote: (06-12-2014, 12:29 AM)71degrees Wrote: Tongues loosen,
fall to the floor
like bar keep change
lights tip,
pool cues dip
everybody’s touched,
everything is moved.
An evening begins with a rock
plant grows on rock
animal eats plant
person eats animal
person dies of overeating
an evening begins anew with a rock. this stanza feels like a different poem
One girl leaves her grief in the car;
to her, it is no more than foreskin
on a soft-skinned pear. this is the best stanza
In the mirror behind the bottlesso far everything has been in third person, why change now? What hypocrisy?
is the one who accompanies you
on these nights rich in hypocrisy.
It’s good to know tall glasses
are for drinks; most folks don’t
realize what their thirst is for. i think this should end the poem
Wings, talons, all that hair:
do not heed the hawk’s lecture
when you’ve got it all, babe.
At the end of the night,
most are sparrows
in winter branches
without a name;
the last one out
shuts the door.
I kinda like the idea of opening by describing the scene, then pointing out several characters [as in stanza 5] and closing with what i think is the main point of this poem, stanza 7.
The animal stanza is cliche and comes out as just words to me.
This one needs work. I like your comments. Thanks much.
(06-12-2014, 11:57 AM)Erthona Wrote: This starts very well (I really like the first two stanzas), but begins to loose me on the rock-plant-animal thing. I really have no idea what that is supposed to mean. I thought at first you were equating rock with ice, but that doesn't really seem to be where it is going. I too was a bartender for awhile, and most of this does not seem very obvious to me.
I can't say this image helps what you are describing, but does not seem necessary to interject the narrative explanation of "to her".
maybe
"One girl leaves her grief in the car;
it is no more than foreskin
on a soft-skinned pear."
I get the anger at drinkers, as many are not that pleasant, but I'm not really sure that the self-righteousness really benefits the poem.
As this is in Mild Critique I'll stop there.
Dale
No anger against drinkers. I love a gin-and-tonic as much as the next guy. I appreciate your comments. I do. But you're reading too much into this.
