Heroes: Lost But Not Forgotten - Feedback would be greatly appreciated Thanks

[Lazoom]

Heroes: Lost but not Forgotten

Through the dark forest i wander
the shadowy whisperings here, there, asunder
Dark, grasping branches i face on my way
sharp obtrusive thorns where i lay
the long remnants of forgotten memories i remember
of friends, foes, all I remember, always a dying ember.
The journey behind i left smeared with pain,
the one to come filled with gloomy rain.

I watch the melancholy mist preluding the rise of the sun
the forlorn trees of old yielding their long forgotten stories; battles lost and won

many like me have cause to think, to think where is the wonder?
Where is the miracle, the saviour?

Some were told, some already knew
There’s been a hero in your life all along
the hero is really you.

By Lazim Abtahi

[Erthona]

Hi welcome to the site,

Asunder means "in pieces", as such it seems a forced rhyme, and the ember/remember is a little trite, especially as the phrase "dying ember" is already cliche. Awkward use of the word "preluding" especially as there seems no connection between "melancholy mist" and "the rise of the sun". Do the trees remember battles they lost and won, or someone else lost and won. I'm not sure what the poem has to do with the conclusion, "There’s been a hero in your life all along the hero is really you," not to mention that whole "wind beneath my wings" thing has been pretty overworked.

"Did you ever know you were my hero?"

Not to mention the whole self assertion/self esteem therapy deal.

What's the deal with the on again, off again punctuation? Can you give me a good reason to not capitalize "I"? Sure, you can go against the norm, but there has to be a solid rationale for it, or else it is just affectation.

On the positive side you write clearly, and rhyme fairly well.

best,

Dale

[bena]

I see one major issue which is one of my personal pet peeves....the line that ends in "lay" should be "lie" as the rest of the poem is in present tense and you lay your body only in the past. It's a common mistake, but since it effects the end rhyme not sure how to fix it.

[Reesedog914]

the long remnants of forgotten memories i remember
of friends, foes, all I remember, always a dying ember

I like the poem but these two lines I did not like. I feel like there is a better way to say what you are trying to say. I'm sure you already know this but capatalize the I's and what not.

[Lazoom]

Hi welcome to the site,

Asunder means "in pieces", as such it seems a forced rhyme, and the ember/remember is a little trite, especially as the phrase "dying ember" is already cliche. Awkward use of the word "preluding" especially as there seems no connection between "melancholy mist" and "the rise of the sun". Do the trees remember battles they lost and won, or someone else lost and won. I'm not sure what the poem has to do with the conclusion, "There’s been a hero in your life all along the hero is really you," not to mention that whole "wind beneath my wings" thing has been pretty overworked.

"Did you ever know you were my hero?"

Not to mention the whole self assertion/self esteem therapy deal.

What's the deal with the on again, off again punctuation? Can you give me a good reason to not capitalize "I"? Sure, you can go against the norm, but there has to be a solid rationale for it, or else it is just affectation.

On the positive side you write clearly, and rhyme fairly well.

best,

Dale

I agree with what you said about use of "dying ember" and Asunder. The melancholy mist preluding the rise of the sun paints the picture of a time in winter, just before the rise of the sun there hangs a mist. which always reminds me of the past. The trees can't remember the battles they've lost or won but instead they remember the battles lost and won that they remember witnessing. The poem is telling a story of struggle and isolation, but then provides a means of escape from the isolation and to tackle the struggles. While a lot of people wonder how they will get out of their problems and who will help them, I am trying to say that they are the solutions to their own problems. This is how the poem played out in my mind, but I am not sure if i could accurately put it into words?

[billy]

remember to give feedback elsewhere please./mod