Every Sunday

[justcloudy]

Here's an edit of one of the NaPM poems I managed to write. Original here: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=14033

Dressed in purple robes this time
stiff scarf draped round his neck
he chants the sacred words
above some bread and wine
and takes predetermined steps
around a table, chairs and candles.
My mother’s heavy on her knees,
chin to chest and forehead lined.
I imitate, mine bumping
into the back of the next pew,
till I get bored and turn around
continue with my crayons
to color Jesus red.

[rowens]

This seems O.K. to me. The few ideas I have are:


Dressed in purple robes this time
stiff scarf draped round his neck
he chants the sacred words
above some bread and wine
and takes predetermined steps
around a table, chairs and candles.

Maybe just: around table, chairs and candles.


My mother’s heavy on her knees,

Maybe: My mother, heavy on her knees,


chin to chest and forehead lined.
I imitate, mine bumping
into the back of the next pew,
till I get bored and turn around
continue with my crayons
to color Jesus red.

The last part sounds like something you would write. I don't think it's bad. It might be best for you to keep it that way.

There are a couple suggestions I have. One example is:

till I get bored and turn around,
continuing to color Jesus red
with my crayons.

But that's one suggestion. You have what you have, and your own ideas.

[John Galt]

Hi JC, I think you have an idea that will work, but for me this version does not, the reason for this is that the narration does not come over as if it is a child speaking,
if you came at it from that angle it will be more believable. (for me.)

I hope this feedback is not too short to be of any use...JG

[Isis]

It also takes me most of the poem to figure out that the speaker is a child. I get a hint of it when the speaker imitates the mother, and then it's clear in the last three lines. Re-reading the poem I can see it in the descriptions a little bit, because it's definitely from the point of view of a speaker who is not yet emotionally invested, or totally emotionally invested, in the scene. That could be a child brought to mass by their parents, but it could also be an adult going to mass to fulfill some family obligation or personal curiosity, watching not as someone who is wrapped up in the ritual but as a detatched observer.

Do you want the identity of the speaker to be a surprise until near the end of the poem? Should we hear a child's voice throughout the poem?

I like the image at the end of the poem. It's definitely the payoff, a hint of irony or passion in a poem where most is straightforward description. I like that it leaves us hanging a little bit, I think. The more I look at the end of the poem, the more ways I see to interpret it. The red crayon as the blood of Christ. Or the pain of the mother that she's praying about. Maybe the way the symbolism of the church has seeped into the speaker's mind, so it comes through in bored, unconscious coloring even without much intent. Anyway, if that's the intent of that last image, awesome. If you didn't intend the poem to be so open ended then some revision might be in order, some way of guiding the reader to what you want to say through that final image, maybe some way to color it with a particular point of view or emotion.

I like rowens' suggestion for the wording of the end of the poem, it makes the sentence a little easier for me to read.

[Erthona]

It is not really clear that "mine bumping" is about your forehead. A bit of distraction to the read.

I do like the ending.


Dale

[Jimmy Stark]

As someone who was forced to go to church every weekend growing up, I can definitely relate to this. I like it for the most part, but I feel like there should be more. I get it, you're young and bored at church. Try to add something else. I have no idea what that would be, sorry I suck at critiquing, but this doesn't feel done to me.

I took coloring Jesus red as symbolism for his death. Not sure if I was right there. If you really want to show disinterest maybe talk about communion being snack time? Could be a bit of a cliche there though.

I do like this, which is why I took the time to comment on it, I just think it could be better. It's good the way it is, but it has the potential to be better

[Joey Automata]

Here's an edit of one of the NaPM poems I managed to write. Original here: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=14033

Dressed in purple robes this time
stiff scarf draped round his neck
he chants the sacred words
above some bread and wine
and takes predetermined steps
around a table, chairs and candles.
My mother’s heavy on her knees,
chin to chest and forehead lined.
I imitate, mine bumping
into the back of the next pew,
till I get bored and turn around
continue with my crayons
to color Jesus red.

I like it. It's cute. I think the ending is great. Took more 2-3 lines to figure out you were talking about church. When I saw the title, the guy in me wanted it to be about football. Anyway, the reason I liked the ending was because we knew it was you at church but we didn't know "when" it was you. I wasn't expected a child, so when it got to the end with you coloring in a coloring book, it threw me off. I also like the theme of color. The first line started off with purple robes and the last line finished off with red crayons. Not sure about "this time" in the first line. I don't know much about church. Do they change the color of robes frequently? Is "this time" really necessary. Maybe it is. Just, as someone not familiar with how church works, I don't know and there's no explanation in the poem. Not sure about the word "predetermined" line 5. It kinda throws me off for steps to be predetermined when you walking around something. Usually when I think predetermined steps, I think like marching or something. So if the table, chairs and candles aren't in the exact correct spot, would he walk into them? I like the word "pew." It's just a good word. Overall, it's a nice little poem. I like poems that just describe a point in time. It's straight to the point, it's clear and concrete, and the reader can visualize it. I like it.

[justcloudy]

Thank you all. Very to-the-point critiques, and very helpful. Lots for me to think about, which is great. Will post an edit soon, see where your suggestions take me. Thanks again. ^___^

-justcloudy

PS nice to see lots of "new faces" commenting, well done all.

[ChristopherSea]

justcloudy, I remember this being a favorite during the ‘prayer’ challenge day of NaPM. My offering that day was just plain silly. It’s probably because I don’t pray and I am really empathizing with the coloring child. I think you need commas after time and neck in this particular edit. Your first line is rather ‘and-y’. You may want to consider a comma after wine and eliminating the one thereafter. You may not need the one before candles either. Of course that may make the line too ‘comma-y’. To me is was unclear whether ‘mine’ referred to head, knees, chin, etc. I believe the original was ‘my head’ and it was more visual and child-esque. I wonder if you really need ‘continue with my crayons’. It imparts that slight inversion. Additionally, it may be more poignant with …turn around to color… See what you think. Love the contrast between mother and child herein. Good luck with your edit, Cheers/Chris

[LorettaYoung]

Here's an edit of one of the NaPM poems I managed to write. Original here: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=14033

Dressed in purple robes this time
stiff scarf draped round his neck
he chants the sacred words
above some bread and wine
and takes predetermined steps
around a table, chairs and candles.
My mother’s heavy on her knees,
chin to chest and forehead lined.
I imitate, mine bumping
into the back of the next pew,
till I get bored and turn around
continue with my crayons
to color Jesus red.

I like it. It's cute. I think the ending is great. Took more 2-3 lines to figure out you were talking about church. When I saw the title, the guy in me wanted it to be about football. Anyway, the reason I liked the ending was because we knew it was you at church but we didn't know "when" it was you. I wasn't expected a child, so when it got to the end with you coloring in a coloring book, it threw me off. I also like the theme of color. The first line started off with purple robes and the last line finished off with red crayons. Not sure about "this time" in the first line. I don't know much about church. Do they change the color of robes frequently? Is "this time" really necessary. Maybe it is. Just, as someone not familiar with how church works, I don't know and there's no explanation in the poem. Not sure about the word "predetermined" line 5. It kinda throws me off for steps to be predetermined when you walking around something. Usually when I think predetermined steps, I think like marching or something. So if the table, chairs and candles aren't in the exact correct spot, would he walk into them? I like the word "pew." It's just a good word. Overall, it's a nice little poem. I like poems that just describe a point in time. It's straight to the point, it's clear and concrete, and the reader can visualize it. I like it.

---

I empathize with the boredom of children exposed but not included in ritual. Interesting, that you were provided with a coloring book eliminating you from the process of understanding. It like the predetermined steps as it all is; especially to a child. Thanks for posting. Loretta

[rowens]

It seems to me, because I've read your other poems, that the speaker is grown, and she's reflecting. Not necessarily a kid talking in the moment. The poem isn't very long, and when you get to the last lines it's talking about when you were a child. You or whoever. Probably you. Somebody was a kid.

You're writing the poem as an adult. It's not hard to imagine the speaker as an adult talking about when they were a child. Whether I read your other poems or not.

Maybe a child is talking. But that doesn't mean a child is writing, or speaking, the poem.

[justcloudy]

Yea rowens that is how I wrote it, reflecting on how I saw things then with now-adult words. Again this was a NaPM poem and was done quickly. Of course the decision now is what to do with it. ;p

Thanks again all for the input, and I know I'm being slow with the edit but it'll come eventually.

-jc

[nicksherman]

I love this poem! It brings back many Sunday mornings from my childhood and how I couldn't have cared less about being at church. It may be stronger divided into a few stanzas and, as mentioned above, it's hard to tell a child is narrating till the very end. Also, editing may need to be done to this:

My mother’s heavy on her knees,
chin to chest and forehead lined.
I imitate, mine bumping
into the back of the next pew

First, it states your mom is on her knees praying. After, it makes it clear you're on a pew. No one gets on their knees on a pew, so this doesn't make sense unless you're mom's in the aisle or something and not next to you. But, that would be unusual.

Those were the only critiques I could come up with. Again, I love this poem. Hope you keep working on it. Best of luck!