Positive Mind

[Reesedog914]

I try to look at the positive
so long as I live, but I’m just not getting it
a fear of death, has me always stressed
always wondering when I will take that last breath
I fear I gained, when I saw my father die
a tragedy that happens to all life...

I spend nights, feeling alone
wondering when I lost the feeling of home
winter, 98--I stared at the outside snow
and the street lamps gave off the most wonderful glow
now the colors seem not as bright
and you worry about the future, night after night

I try to look at the positive
or else I’d go insane, no vigor for this fucking game
sometimes it hurts my brain, the pain, knowing shit won’t be the same
it’s whatever—I let the light in cause I was never one to quit fightin
I'd always win, but if not--I tried--and I will so long as I’m alive

I will try to be a better man and keep on working towards a better plan
and just take in the truth that tragedies exist and overcome
that I’m not the only one who’s a sacrificial lamb
to this life of strife—it’s lifes blood that soaks the land
to live is to die so I’ll be positive while I survive

[outcast]

The oldest of themes, the fear of death invites cliche. However, with the exception of "sacrificial lamb" these have largely been avoided.

Given both defer to the obvious (and therefore add nothing to structural integrity) you might consider dropping the last line in each of the first two stanzas, giving the piece a consistent five-line format.

Void of meaning, "it's whatever" really doesn't work for me. Also, "I'd always win, but if not--I tried--and I will so long as I’m alive" presents as a (disjointed) contradiction. Alternatively, "If I didn't win at least I always tried" would work.

Line 19 - "and just take in the truth that tragedies exist and overcome" is awkwardly worded. Perhaps, "and just accept that tragedy exists to be overcome" would do the trick.

The subject is worthy, but there's much punctuation work to be done.

[Reesedog914]

Thanks for the reply, your critique was actually beneficial and sincere. Again, thanks.

[Erthona]

This seems a bit didactic for a poem, especially the first stanza. In the first stanza specifically, there is no cadence or rhythm. It gets somewhat better in S2, with the introduction of some rhythm and some incidental rhyme. I think the writer is doing a bit of beating a dead horse, and most of what is here could be contained in about 10 to 12 lines. There are a number of themes that repeat several times. Also the self pity stuff doesn't really go over well...never does.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

[QDeathstar]

I think the "it's whatever" make the poem a huge contradiction. Why write if it doesn't matter?

[zmeansy]

Bravo-The piece is strong,gripping, and first rate.

Not that what I say matters but I felt that this poem about the 'Positive' mind set was cold. Very interesting juxtaposition I like the play. It is almost military minded in a certain way. Thanks for sharing this piece.

ZM

[Reesedog914]

I'd like to thank everybody again for the responses. I like the honesty and I think that it will help me to better understand the do's and don'ts of poetry.