Let memories remain as memories' stain

[Sachelcharges]

Let memories remain as memories' stain
Rain of all seasons may thud and thunder,
Snow can tip toe upon the earthly thighs
And sunlight lay naked on naked flesh.
Let memories remain as memories' stain

Balanced on our fathers sins and mothers tears
We shape the space and time with knives and fears
We laugh and bay as sour pigs
At those of similar tongue and brain;
memories cracked yet remain.

Though we thrash like babies
And howl like hounds
Let us mark the dirt on our fathers garb
Leave our mothers tears to have glistened
On shoulders of younger bone.
Bather our hearts in infinite sun
Let overfill our timeless brains
let memories remain as memories' stain

[Brownlie]

I've only really used refrains with a couple forms you can find the forms in the practice section, but you might want to try writing in blank verse, or ballad meter before attempting anything formal. Of course, there are other ways to use refrains and you might be able to use them effectively in free verse but it might be tough.

Let memories remain as memories' stain -- There appears to be a grammatical error here
Rain of all seasons may thud and thunder, -- This appears to be trochaic which is an interesting touch.
Snow can tip toe upon the earthly thighs -
And sunlight lay naked on naked flesh.
Let memories remain as memories' stain

Balanced on our fathers sins and mothers tears -- apostrophe

We shape the space and time with knives and fears
We laugh and bay as sour pigs
At those of similar tongue and brain;
memories cracked yet remain.

Though we thrash like babies
And howl like hounds
Let us mark the dirt on our fathers garb -- apostrophe
Leave our mothers tears to have glistened
On shoulders of younger bone.
Bather our hearts in infinite sun -- I think bather is a noun

Let overfill our timeless brains
let memories remain as memories' stain

The grammatical problem in the refrain really hinders the poem, but its not so bad of an early attempt. Maybe try blank verse with concrete details.

---

I've only really used refrains with a couple forms you can find the forms in the practice section, but you might want to try writing in blank verse, or ballad meter before attempting anything formal. Of course, there are other ways to use refrains and you might be able to use them effectively in free verse but it might be tough.

Let memories remain as memories' stain -- There appears to be a grammatical error here
Rain of all seasons may thud and thunder, -- This appears to be trochaic which is an interesting touch.
Snow can tip toe upon the earthly thighs -
And sunlight lay naked on naked flesh.
Let memories remain as memories' stain

Balanced on our fathers sins and mothers tears -- apostrophe

We shape the space and time with knives and fears
We laugh and bay as sour pigs
At those of similar tongue and brain;
memories cracked yet remain.

Though we thrash like babies
And howl like hounds
Let us mark the dirt on our fathers garb -- apostrophe
Leave our mothers tears to have glistened
On shoulders of younger bone.
Bather our hearts in infinite sun -- I think bather is a noun

Let overfill our timeless brains
let memories remain as memories' stain

The grammatical problem in the refrain really hinders the poem, but its not so bad of an early attempt. Maybe try blank verse with concrete details.

[Erthona]

I've read through this several times and I really have no idea what the speaker is trying to say. Maybe some kind of coming of age idea. Regardless, too many of the lines either made no sense, or didn't convey any useful information. For instance Stanza 1:

Let memories remain as memories' stain
Rain of all seasons may thud and thunder,
Snow can tip toe upon the earthly thighs < Well not really. Snow can fall upon earthly thighs, but as "thigh" the metaphor remains undefined, this doesn't really say much>
And sunlight lay naked on naked flesh.
Let memories remain as memories' stain

A lot of words, not much meaning. Poetry usually tries to work just the opposite; few words, a lot of meaning.A lot of the lines that make some sense are just trite. Such as:

"Batter our hearts in infinite sun" is really just a take off on Donne's "Batter my heart, three person'd God".

Vague statements do not a poem make:

"We shape the space and time with knives and fears
We laugh and bay as sour pigs"

Sorry, there is nothing here. when the lines say something intelligible, they have no meaning.

Maybe for your next try, try something smaller and more concrete. Stay away from grandiose statement, or nonsensical ones. Try to avoid writing something like the following:

"A dog is a beast.
We are beast in out hearts.
We shape destiny with out hands,
as we travel strange lands."


Best,


Dale

[Sachelcharges]

It's meant to be bathe. That was a typo.
How should I write the first line so it's grammatically correct? I want the stains to be possessed by memories. The reason I put the seasons is to signify time passing. It tip toes because snow falls quietly and it's thighs because I was thinking about people often call earth Mother Earth so it's like a physical body.
As for the shaping space and time with knives and fear, I'm talking about history and reality. Forming our subjective reality with violence(knives) and fear. A big reason why people kill or go to war.

[QDeathstar]

I dont think people ever stop to think about mother earth's thighs, though.

[Sachelcharges]

Maybe they do maybe they don't but the point isn't necessarily to write about something people already think about, it's to give them something to think about that they haven't thought about before. What's your point though?