Hi all,
this is my first poem, it's an exhale of my bottled up emotions and a much needed channel of expression. Please do give constructive feedback on my newly found means of self-expression.
Was it real?
I can’t stop thinking about you. Was it real?
You are not anymore an image, no longer a tangible memory;
you are a feeling, a longing, a suspicion it never happened.
Possibly a figment of my imagination.
Was it real?
The sweet, oh so sweet, memories I once had
are now replaced by a distant dream, a dream
that is nothing but an illusion of what could be
or of what I hoped it was for that brief time.
I long for your touch, which by now
could as well have been a passing daydream;
so unreal it feels it was.
But I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I do wonder if you ever think of me. Rather than a pondering,
it is but an endless search for answers that my heart presents to the universe,
a pleading I desperately wish to be real, as real as the feelings I still have for you.
Was it real? Were you real? Or was it all a dream?
I feel hurt, I feel deceived, I feel love, I feel desperation. I feel you.
As I close my eyes I feel the touch of your hands on my body,
your fingers sculpturing the shape of my lips,
you inside of me.
Was it ever real?
The moments we shared bring me warmth; they bring me sadness, then hope, and again despair.
I feel I want answers yet again I want to walk into the sunset and never look back.
I want to think what we had was real, but I’m afraid to know the truth.
You diminish. You live on. You decay. You reappear.
I dream. I cry. I love. I despair.
Was it real?
Posts: 222
Threads: 12
Joined: Apr 2014
(06-05-2014, 08:41 AM)casper Wrote: Hi all,
this is my first poem, it's an exhale of my bottled up emotions and a much needed channel of expression. Please do give constructive feedback on my newly found means of self-expression.
Was it real?
I can’t stop thinking about you. Was it real?
You are not anymore an image, no longer a tangible memory;
you are a feeling, a longing, a suspicion it never happened.
Possibly a figment of my imagination.
Was it real?
The sweet, oh so sweet, memories I once had
are now replaced by a distant dream, a dream
that is nothing but an illusion of what could be
or of what I hoped it was for that brief time.
I long for your touch, which by now
could as well have been a passing daydream;
so unreal it feels it was.
But I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I do wonder if you ever think of me. Rather than a pondering,
it is but an endless search for answers that my heart presents to the universe,
a pleading I desperately wish to be real, as real as the feelings I still have for you.
Was it real? Were you real? Or was it all a dream?
I feel hurt, I feel deceived, I feel love, I feel desperation. I feel you.
As I close my eyes I feel the touch of your hands on my body,
your fingers sculpturing the shape of my lips,
you inside of me.
Was it ever real?
The moments we shared bring me warmth; they bring me sadness, then hope, and again despair.
I feel I want answers yet again I want to walk into the sunset and never look back.
I want to think what we had was real, but I’m afraid to know the truth.
You diminish. You live on. You decay. You reappear.
I dream. I cry. I love. I despair.
Was it real?
Hi: it is good that you have found an outlet for your feelings. As it stands, I would say you wrote fully expressed letter. However, as I am learning there are many techniques to poetry; many forms: it would be helpful to you to look over the sites on metrics and poetry forms. Mostly, you need to cut your words; there is too much repetition of the same words; eg; was it real, was it a dream; I miss you, I miss you. You have a common topic and should combine a line with one thought at a time; in an organized way; these are things being new myself I am learning. ie: "sweet memories are a distant dream", illusion now of what could have been" : do the rest with this stanza and other repetitins;; "I miss you, blah blah, are you real, over and over; make these thoughts stand out in a concise line; it can be reinforced somewhere else but not over and over. There are much more learned people than I to speak with. Good luck. Loretta
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Jun 2014
If it helped you get out the emotion then it was good. In terms of poetry you should try to make it so the reader can experience the emotion. Maybe be more general next time if you are going for poetry. But again, what is it to you? Do you like it? If the answer is yes then that is all that matters my friend.
(06-05-2014, 09:39 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: (06-05-2014, 08:41 AM)casper Wrote: Hi all,
this is my first poem, it's an exhale of my bottled up emotions and a much needed channel of expression. Please do give constructive feedback on my newly found means of self-expression.
Was it real?
I can’t stop thinking about you. Was it real?
You are not anymore an image, no longer a tangible memory;
you are a feeling, a longing, a suspicion it never happened.
Possibly a figment of my imagination.
Was it real?
The sweet, oh so sweet, memories I once had
are now replaced by a distant dream, a dream
that is nothing but an illusion of what could be
or of what I hoped it was for that brief time.
I long for your touch, which by now
could as well have been a passing daydream;
so unreal it feels it was.
But I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I do wonder if you ever think of me. Rather than a pondering,
it is but an endless search for answers that my heart presents to the universe,
a pleading I desperately wish to be real, as real as the feelings I still have for you.
Was it real? Were you real? Or was it all a dream?
I feel hurt, I feel deceived, I feel love, I feel desperation. I feel you.
As I close my eyes I feel the touch of your hands on my body,
your fingers sculpturing the shape of my lips,
you inside of me.
Was it ever real?
The moments we shared bring me warmth; they bring me sadness, then hope, and again despair.
I feel I want answers yet again I want to walk into the sunset and never look back.
I want to think what we had was real, but I’m afraid to know the truth.
You diminish. You live on. You decay. You reappear.
I dream. I cry. I love. I despair.
Was it real?
Hi: it is good that you have found an outlet for your feelings. As it stands, I would say you wrote fully expressed letter. However, as I am learning there are many techniques to poetry; many forms: it would be helpful to you to look over the sites on metrics and poetry forms. Mostly, you need to cut your words; there is too much repetition of the same words; eg; was it real, was it a dream; I miss you, I miss you. You have a common topic and should combine a line with one thought at a time; in an organized way; these are things being new myself I am learning. ie: "sweet memories are a distant dream", illusion now of what could have been" : do the rest with this stanza and other repetitins;; "I miss you, blah blah, are you real, over and over; make these thoughts stand out in a concise line; it can be reinforced somewhere else but not over and over. There are much more learned people than I to speak with. Good luck. Loretta
Loretta, thank you so much for your feedback. I Now that I read the poem again I see how it is a bit long, and more like letter type! The feedback is much appreciated, thank you. I don't yet understand much about stanzas but will keep reading stuff here and maybe pick up a few good hints!
(06-07-2014, 10:18 AM)Reesedog914 Wrote: If it helped you get out the emotion then it was good. In terms of poetry you should try to make it so the reader can experience the emotion. Maybe be more general next time if you are going for poetry. But again, what is it to you? Do you like it? If the answer is yes then that is all that matters my friend.
Thank you so much for this feedback. Perhaps the feelings weren't expressed enough so that the reader, outsider, could understand them but I literally wrote down what my heart poured out. There is a lot of repetition, because that is what my heart tells me. And the other feelings are exactly the same, it expresses exactly I I feel. But I should probably try to understand my own feelings better so I can express them to a third person. Thank you for you feedback, though, I take everything on-board.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Don't explain your poem before the reader has a chance to read it, and if it still needs an explanation, then you haven't done a very good job.
Drop the one liners, that's just silly.
Also to ask if it was real is also silly. It is obvious it was real. Questioning in rhetoric has some validity, but it usually makes no sense in poetry.
Please continue to write...or not, but leave the love poetry alone. It nearly always comes across as trite and sophomoric, not just for you, but for everybody.
Best,
Dale
BTW Hearts are very bad poets 
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 294
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
It's obvious you are young and I remember writing angsty love stuff just like this. BUT in saying that, it is obvious that you have a good command of vocabulary, imagery and tempo. On that note I will say that you have great promise. My best advice I can give you as a veteran poet is to read, read, read...read all the great poets you have heard about in class. There is a reason they have been mentioned. You don't need to emulate them; but you can learn so much from them.
bena
Posts: 751
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
Welcome Casper, I am new here myself. I've written similar poems to yours more recently than I want to admit. But I came here to improve and I am. I think you've had some great crits already. The are problems with grammar and punctuation etc., but we all experience that. If you are writing as therapy, I recommend just letting the words come out. Don't look for rhymes or rhythm too soon. They sometimes get in the way of the feeling.
Thanks for the read, Paul
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