Arrogance? (No Relation)

[Wjames]

I’m working nights with brain-dead oafs
who live to smoke on break;
they’re rough and tumble friendly folks,
but I just can’t relate.

I don’t hack darts or throw my fists
or scrounge for strange between my shifts,
I write and sing and cry inside instead.

[ellajam]

Hi, W, I'm really enjoying this. I can't think of any useful critique, but for me the off rhymes work well, they're interesting and seem effortless. I like "scrounge for strange" for the sound of it and the questions it opens up. I think the last line stops it dead, as it should. Very effective, thanks for the read.

I’m working nights with brain-dead oafs
who live to smoke on break;
they’re rough and tumble friendly folks,
but I just can’t relate.

I don’t hack darts or throw my fists
or scrounge for strange between my shifts,
I write and sing and cry inside instead.

[Wjames]

Hi, W, I'm really enjoying this. I can't think of any useful critique, but for me the off rhymes work well, they're interesting and seem effortless. I like "scrounge for strange" for the sound of it and the questions it opens up. I think the last line stops it dead, as it should. Very effective, thanks for the read.

I’m working nights with brain-dead oafs
who live to smoke on break;
they’re rough and tumble friendly folks,
but I just can’t relate.

I don’t hack darts or throw my fists
or scrounge for strange between my shifts,
I write and sing and cry inside instead.

I'm glad you liked it, I wrote the first stanza while on break. I tend not to write things about real-life, but I like this one, so I might try and do it more often.

[QDeathstar]

I’m working nights with brain-dead oafs yes
who live to smoke on break; yes
they’re rough and tumble friendly folks, yes
but I just can’t relate. yes

I don’t hack darts or throw my fists i think you could loose the "my" in both lines
or scrounge for strange between my shifts,
I write and sing and cry inside instead. ellajam likes this line, so i defer to her, but i dont know, it doesn't feel interesting

[Erthona]

WJ,


I’m working nights with brain-dead oafs (4)(a)
who live to smoke on break; (3)(b)
they’re rough and tumble friendly folks, (4)(a)
but I just can’t relate. (3)(b)

I don’t hack darts or throw my fists(4)©
or scrounge for strange between my shifts,(4)©
I write and sing and cry inside instead.(4) (x)

This starts out as common meter (CM) Alternating lines of iambic tetrameter, and iambic trimeter, with an xyxy rhyme scheme. This is what you do in the first stanza, however in the second stanza you leave out the lines of trimeter, and add an extra line of tetrameter, with the first two lines as rhyming couplet. This is jarring when read. It can be used for that purposefully, but I do not think you are doing so here. Example (of jarring, because what is expected does not happen):

Out in the West Texas town of Lampasas (pronounced Lamp-pass-us)
There are girls with very big hats.

One expects the second line to read "There are girls with very big asses." when that does not happen it is jarring. In this case it is used to comedic effect, so it is used in a positive way. However, when it occurs without intention it is disruptive to the poem, and as CM is one of the easiest meters to master (nice alliteration dale), it also makes the writer appear as though he does not know what he is doing. Of course in my book, not looking good is a very far second, to not being able to control what one is writing. QDS comment about loosing "my" is incorrect. The first line of the second stanza is perfect iambic tetrameter as is the second line. Reading it as free verse, which is what this looks like in the second stanza, and I assume QDS was doing, I can understand his comment. The last line is an unrhymed line of IP (iambic pentameter, or five feet of iambs). Whether or not this was intentional, I think it is safe to say it did not achieve the desired results.

Breaking from an established pattern in a poem, or anything else actually, will always create a jarring effect. In poetry it will disrupt the reading of the poem either at the conscious or unconscious level, unless it has been made obvious that doing so was for a specific effect. Even when not noted at a conscious level, it will disrupt the poem, and the reader will recognize this at some level, even though they are unable to explain what was wrong.

Sorry, in a bit of a rush,

Dale

[Brownlie]

Well, I like what the poem is saying. If I'm interpreting it correctly, it basically sums up a what may be said in a 12 page piece of criticism.


I’m working nights with brain-dead oafs
who live to smoke on break;
they’re rough and tumble friendly folks,
but I just can’t relate.

I don’t hack darts or throw my fists
or scrounge for strange between my shifts,
I write and sing and cry inside instead. -- Inside instead is a little awkward. Maybe Instead, I write and sing and cry inside. However, there are too many ands if you were writing prose you would only use and for the last item in a list

I like how you switched up the form in the middle of the poem that was interesting. The idiom also added a certain tone to the writing. Good post.

[Wjames]

I know next to nothing about meter (I've been meaning to learn, but have little time as I'm either in school or working while trying to teach myself guitar and harmonica, and learning the basics of music theory), so your post shed some light on some things for me Dale.

I rather like the first two lines of the second stanza, but am open to trying to adapt it into common meter. I'll mull this one over for the next couple of days.

[MT-EMPTY]

I also found "inside instead" made the last line akward. Though to me it get's a better flow and get's less akward if it gets a comma, or colon between so it's "inside, instead". I think it's overall good though, and i can't really think of much i can say about it except that it's good

[shy_symphony]

I’m working nights with brain-dead oafs
who live to smoke on break;
they’re rough and tumble friendly folks,
but I just can’t relate.

I don’t hack darts or throw my fists
or scrounge for strange between my shifts,
I write and sing and cry inside instead.

Very interesting! I love the syntax, especially "scrounge for strange between my shifts". The third line sounds a bit too lengthy in syllables, but that's a personal preference on my part. I like how you take it from objective to mysterious over the course of the poem; it draws in the reader with every line

[sandraleigh05]

I write and sing and cry inside instead. ----how about " I write, I sing, and I cry inside instead.

[Cherrie666pie]

I’m working nights with brain-dead oafs
who live to smoke on break;
they’re rough and tumble friendly folks,
but I just can’t relate.

I don’t hack darts or throw my fists
or scrounge for strange between my shifts,
I write and sing and cry inside instead.

This is an awesome poem, I like the first stanza a lot it flows very well. In the last stanza though I think you should rewrite the last line however, it seems a little out of... place? No that's not the right phrasing but I think that it sounds a little bit weird I guess. I think you could definitely improve on that. Otherwise I love the poem(:

[CorneliusFerguson]

How exciting, my first post!

Overall a well written poem which I think has been comprehensively covered by fellow posters. In my opinion the first stanza is good, and the second stanza isn't bad either. However I do have some critique:
I feel the repetition of "my" comes across as forced. I understand if you are trying to stress the personal, sensitive nature of the protagonist, but unless this was your original intention I think it flows better without them.
Also I agree with sandraleigh5 in that 'I write, I sing, and I cry inside instead' works best for the last line.

I hope this is helpful!

[tomoffing]

Really enjoyed this one,

Have to echo the comments regarding meter. The switch to pentameter (5 feet) in the final line drags.
Perhaps edit this line to more closely match your predominant meter. The shift in rhyme scheme alone is enough to change the tone slightly.
"Instead, inside I sing and cry
and try but fail to write"

(That's horrific but I hope you get what I mean)

Thanks for the read