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A Timepiece;
manifest in stone
and hardly soft, but worn.
A wonder;
pregnant with moments and centuries,
flashbulbs and geology,
lovers and families,
and ice cream melting faster than you could ever lap it up.
An ocean;
rolling over the edge in that second she looked away.
And we don't pretend to pour ourselves
into pools that could never collect so soon downriver.
Drink now
and reflect on her glowing face
speckled with droplets like God's own tears
Remember
before the current is past
It has decent sounding lines, but what are the knots in the thread running through it? Just the current?
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I enjoyed this! I couldn't quite tell what it was about, but it created some wonderful images for me.
I made a few notes here, and I hope they help.
(05-22-2014, 05:51 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: A Timepiece; Is there a particular reason that this word is capitalized?
manifested in stone
and hardly soft, but worn.
A wonder; comma or dash, not semi-colon. Same with the above stanza, and all the others. A semi-colon separates two phrases that could be sentences on their own.
pregnant with moments and centuries, good image. I love this whole stanza actually.
flashbulbs and geology,
lovers and families,
and ice cream melting faster than you could ever lap it up.
An ocean;
rolling over the edge in that second she looked away. perhaps "during" instead of "in that?" Reads smoother. Interesting image of an ocean rolling over an edge- there's a cool parallel here, whether or not I picked up on the same one you were putting down.
And we don't pretend to pour ourselves
into pools that could never collect so soon downriver. These two lines sound so cool- so cool, in fact, that it took me a few reads before I realized I had no idea what they meant. I know you know what you want to say here- maybe find a way to make it a bit more clear, since I know whatever it is will be important to the piece.
Drink now
and reflect on her glowing face
speckled with droplets like God's own tears Interesting... not entirely sure of what I think of this, but it's interesting that you jumped from talking about "her" to talking to somebody in relationship to "her."
Remember
before the current is past Remember what? Great leap back to the water theme, though. But unless it's meant to leave me hanging, it feels like something is missing here.
I enjoy this piece a lot, and I hope those comments help. 
Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first.
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TtL,
Starts off well, then "pregnant with moments and centuries". Are you trying to write for Hallmark or just like cliches.
Get's a little too preachy at the end.
As you have already explained it, it makes it difficult to critique further.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Thanks Erthona, I need to resist the urge to explain. Yourself and others have educated me that any explaining needs to be done within the poem, not without. I don't want to be the one saying "hey, this is great, but first let me preface it". It's a habit I'm slowly learning to ditch. I agree there is some cliche beginning at L5. I'm not sure how to fix it and still keep the juxtapositions I was hoping for. It seems, for me there is a pretty narrow path between cliche and obscure, but I'll find it. Thanks again.
