After Seven Years

[71degrees]

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock.

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep.

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

[Todd]

Hi, so a nice surprise in this one with some good line breaks. Here are a few comments.

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass--This detail actually gives him a sense of refinement which plays against the stereotype.
as sure as her key slips into a lock.--I keep wanting the "a" to be a "the"

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening--like the break here though throughout I think the breaks really work especially in S2.
scars, the courted sleep.

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.--these last two lines with the dove image are the payoff that elevates this one. The wire is like the line she crossed. The mother's eyes suggest that it could be generational. You don't get the sense of guilt or reprimand just the sadness, or maybe understanding. I realize my read is a bit subjective on this point

Its very nice.

Best,

Todd

[QDeathstar]

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock. this line seems strange to me. Her key; a lock. The significance of the lock is diminished, or am i missing something

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep. sounds sterile to me

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does is this the what the mind remembers vs what the heart remembers?
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

[71degrees]

Hi, so a nice surprise in this one with some good line breaks. Here are a few comments.

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass--This detail actually gives him a sense of refinement which plays against the stereotype.
as sure as her key slips into a lock.--I keep wanting the "a" to be a "the"

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening--like the break here though throughout I think the breaks really work especially in S2.
scars, the courted sleep.

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.--these last two lines with the dove image are the payoff that elevates this one. The wire is like the line she crossed. The mother's eyes suggest that it could be generational. You don't get the sense of guilt or reprimand just the sadness, or maybe understanding. I realize my read is a bit subjective on this point

Its very nice.

Best,

Todd

Thank you, Todd. Your support here is appreciated. I agree with the "a" and/or "the"….I even played around w/"her" a bit. Need to settle, that's for sure. Nothing wrong w/your subjective read, either. If a poem leads you somewhere, enter, and feel good about it.

Basically, I introduced "mother's eyes" b/c I wanted the reader to know the abuse is generational.

---

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock. this line seems strange to me. Her key; a lock. The significance of the lock is diminished, or am i missing something

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep. sounds sterile to me

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does is this the what the mind remembers vs what the heart remembers?
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

I like your thought about "heart" vs "mind"….I like it very much.

[MT-EMPTY]

I think it's good, but i don't understand what the plastic paradise meaphor means, could you clarify it a bit, just to me, i don't mean in the poem. I also think that it seems a little weak that she only "dislikes this plastic paradise, of comb and mirror, the thickening scars" for such abuse i personally think dislike lacks some intensity.

[LorettaYoung]

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock. this line seems strange to me. Her key; a lock. The significance of the lock is diminished, or am i missing something

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep. sounds sterile to me

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does is this the what the mind remembers vs what the heart remembers?
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

---

Like the poem very much; "the courted sleep" leaves me guessing-could you illuminate that plase. Loretta

[71degrees]

I think it's good, but i don't understand what the plastic paradise meaphor means, could you clarify it a bit, just to me, i don't mean in the poem. I also think that it seems a little weak that she only "dislikes this plastic paradise, of comb and mirror, the thickening scars" for such abuse i personally think dislike lacks some intensity.

Would agree w/your "dislike" comment. Hate just didn't seem to fit the character, I guess.

As far as "plastic paradise"….feel free to connote either the plastic (fake) existence of the marriage and/or life or just the physical existence of the world that surrounds her. Or both. Or neither, I guess.

Thanks for the comments.

---

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock. this line seems strange to me. Her key; a lock. The significance of the lock is diminished, or am i missing something

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep. sounds sterile to me

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does is this the what the mind remembers vs what the heart remembers?
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

---

Like the poem very much; "the courted sleep" leaves me guessing-could you illuminate that plase. Loretta

If a poem doesn't make a reader second guess at least once, I would call that poem one to put to sleep. My guess would be that she enjoys the courtship of sleep much more than whatever the man is offering.

Thanks for the look. One of my favorite noir films is an oldie "The Accused" (1949) starring Lorretta Young and Robert Cummings. Classic.

[Isis]

This poem makes me sad and I like it a lot. It does a lot in a relatively small space. The title does a lot of work here. I wonder about how calm and understated it feels - it reminds me of lots of short stories about similar family and home troubles, where the calm or terse tone of the storyteller or narrator ends up calling out turmoil beneath the surface. It's not really like a Raymond Carver story or poem, but it's maybe … in the same general neighborhood. Does that make sense? (I hope so).

I get most tangled up in the middle stanza. All the images leave a lot up to interpretation, I think; there are a few ways to see 'comb and mirror' - her combing her hair over a black eye so it's less noticeable? Him fixing himself up after a fight, looking like a gentleman after brutish behavior? Because there's enough context elsewhere in the poem I can sort of 'get' the middle, even if it's not obvious, but I felt like that was a lot easier on my second and third reads through the poem. I saw courted sleep as something done gingerly, done to avoid further violence; letting him sleep even when she wanted to wake him up, or laying in bed praying for sleep for a few hours of peace. It seems like you're ok with the fact that the middle is sort of open for interpretation … is there something here that I'm missing, that you want to make sure readers get?

I also think that the image of the dove with the mother's eyes is very important, and wraps up the poem nicely without seeming 'pat'. Its familiar but strange, and a little haunting.

[Jimmy Stark]

[b]This is really good. Here are a few things I noticed

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass Maybe use something other than beer. The point is that the beer is his enemy and possibly killing him. "pour the poison" or something like that could have more impact
as sure as her key slips into a lock.

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep. "the thickening scars" is hauntingly beautiful. Anyone who has struggled with alcohol knows what you mean. Really nice wording!

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes. Love the ending. I assume you wanted it to show that the mother had always been right about the man. I really like how you conveyed that though. I was almost reminded of the film The birds and how the birds just sit on the wires watching people. Creepy, but really nice

[71degrees]

[b]This is really good. Here are a few things I noticed

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass Maybe use something other than beer. The point is that the beer is his enemy and possibly killing him. "pour the poison" or something like that could have more impact
as sure as her key slips into a lock.

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep. "the thickening scars" is hauntingly beautiful. Anyone who has struggled with alcohol knows what you mean. Really nice wording!

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes. Love the ending. I assume you wanted it to show that the mother had always been right about the man. I really like how you conveyed that though. I was almost reminded of the film The birds and how the birds just sit on the wires watching people. Creepy, but really nice

I had a mentor once who advised me to tell the truth in poetry and then lie about it. I experimented w/other words than "beer" but decided to not lie about it. It was the beer. Always the beer. FYI: The Birds (minus the ending) one of my all time favorites. Thanks much for your thoughts.

[tmanzano]

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass [/b]I like the use of "beer" here. Grounding, real, and resonates in me.
as sure as her key slips into a lock.

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening [/b]great stanza, the line break for me was brilliant.
scars, the courted sleep.

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark Yet another great line break[b]
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

(previewing my post I see I do not have the "bold" button down yet, but I think you get the picture, well, I hope.)

"a" lock, for me, tells me there is more than one lock that can be open. "the" lock, for me, would indicate this would be the only issue they have which is obviously not the case as I kept reading. So, to this I think "a" works far better. "the thickening" line break stanza is wonderful. It gave me a sense of time and capacity for her endurance. The ending stanza line break really hit for me, "his dark" leaves a sticky residue of him on me, and then slaps me back to "good looks". This, I believe, is her jail cell. The ending poignant lines are wonderful. I have read this over and over looking for some critique for you. But I can only see her in her room with a despondent stare outside her window. "Mothers eye" is such great imagery. I wish I could offer more, but I am now in this house and can't see much further than her. Thank you for allowing me to stay with her awhile.

[expiring_touch]

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock.

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep.

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

well! i loved the first two stanzas. if you were to keep the poem to

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock.

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars.

I would have loved it. And if you would have hinted at the situation you're describing in the title, well! I don't like the last stanza, it is too obvious, too intentional, ideally, you should have the reader going through all that on their own.

[71degrees]

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass [/b]I like the use of "beer" here. Grounding, real, and resonates in me.
as sure as her key slips into a lock.

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening [/b]great stanza, the line break for me was brilliant.
scars, the courted sleep.

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark Yet another great line break[b]
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

(previewing my post I see I do not have the "bold" button down yet, but I think you get the picture, well, I hope.)

"a" lock, for me, tells me there is more than one lock that can be open. "the" lock, for me, would indicate this would be the only issue they have which is obviously not the case as I kept reading. So, to this I think "a" works far better. "the thickening" line break stanza is wonderful. It gave me a sense of time and capacity for her endurance. The ending stanza line break really hit for me, "his dark" leaves a sticky residue of him on me, and then slaps me back to "good looks". This, I believe, is her jail cell. The ending poignant lines are wonderful. I have read this over and over looking for some critique for you. But I can only see her in her room with a despondent stare outside her window. "Mothers eye" is such great imagery. I wish I could offer more, but I am now in this house and can't see much further than her. Thank you for allowing me to stay with her awhile.

Thanks for the comments about line breaks. Reinforces my intentions. A bit warmer here than 68degrees.

---

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock.

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep.

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

well! i loved the first two stanzas. if you were to keep the poem to

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock.

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars.

I would have loved it. And if you would have hinted at the situation you're describing in the title, well! I don't like the last stanza, it is too obvious, too intentional, ideally, you should have the reader going through all that on their own.

Interesting comments. Mulling time. Thanks.

[John Galt]

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock.

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep.

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

Some thoughts after reading 71.

The use of a "season" would have grounded the imagery more for me rather than the use of "August."

The modifiers "thin black" before "telephone wire" seem superfluous.
On "the" instead of "on a" telephone wire, Maybe.? I would always say it that way if the wire was outside our window.
The word "is" starting the last line could go.

Thanks for the poem. JG

[71degrees]

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock.

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep.

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

Some thoughts after reading 71.

The use of a "season" would have grounded the imagery more for me rather than the use of "August."

The modifiers "thin black" before "telephone wire" seem superfluous.
On "the" instead of "on a" telephone wire, Maybe.? I would always say it that way if the wire was outside our window.
The word "is" starting the last line could go.

Thanks for the poem. JG

In my neck of the woods, people say August is a season all by itself. The longest month. I have a habit of trying to go for the specific. Agree about "is"....good catch. Thanks for your input.