Water-bug

[Erthona]

Water-bug

I hate cockroaches,
especially the big water-bug types
we have in Austin
that get three—four inches long.
One of the biggest I’d ever seen
was laying in my bathtub on his back.
I thought he was dead
as I had sprayed my house recently,
and every time I do,
I find big dead ones
all about for a day or two.
When I first saw
him instead of picking him up
with toilet paper and flushing him,
I let it go a day.
A day later while sitting on the toilet
I noticed him again,
but this time his feelers moved,
and then as I moved around to see better
his legs started to move about.
Somehow I knew,
that he knew,
death was near.
I finished with the toilet,
and got a piece of paper towel.
He continued to move,
and as he did so
I contemplated catching him
and letting him go,
although I knew he was dead already.
I laid the paper towel over him,
pinched his body between my thumb and two fingers,
and dropped him in the toilet, quickly flushing,
but not quick enough
to keep a small part of me
from dying with him.



–Erthona


©2014

[ellajam]

Hey, Dale, if you can crush him without a foot there's states that grow em bigger.

First read, but it had an effect. I'd break up the lines I starred below to slow up the action and let it weigh a little heavier. And there are some ands that can go. Good morning.

Water-bug

I hate cockroaches,
especially the big water-bug types
we have in Austin
that get three—four inches long.
One of the biggest I’d ever seen
was laying in my bathtub on his back.
I thought he was dead
as I had sprayed my house recently,
and every time I do,
I find big dead ones
all about for a day or two.
When I first saw
him instead of picking him up
with toilet paper and flushing him,
I let it go a day.
A day later while sitting on the toilet
I noticed him again,
but this time his feelers moved,
and then as I moved around to see better
his legs started to move about.
Somehow I knew,
that he knew,
death was near.
I finished with the toilet,
and got a piece of paper towel.
He continued to move,
and as he did so
I contemplated catching him
and letting him go,
although I knew he was dead already.
I laid the paper towel over him
*and pinched his body between my thumb and two fingers,
*and dropped him in the toilet, quickly flushing,
but not quick enough
to keep a small part of me
from dying with him.



–Erthona


©2014

[Erthona]

Marcellajelly,
Yes, could use some breaking up, I'd be all feelers for suggested breaks. Yes, I will remove your starry "ands".

Thanks,

xoxoxoxo

Dale

[Brownlie]

Water-bug


I cut out some parts of the poem, but did it without much thought. The idea was to get rid of some of the extra info holding the poem down. I couldn't tell whether you intended the poem to be facetious or not, but the strongest part seemed to be the idea of seeing the insect and not doing anything about it (something I have actually done before with spiders sitting in the bathtub). Who will cry for water Bugs! Water Bugs dead, ere their prime!



The big water-bug types
we have in Austin
get three—four inches long.
One of the biggest I’d ever seen
was laying in my bathtub on his back.
I had sprayed my house recently,
and every time I do,
I find big dead ones
all about for a day or two.
When I first saw him
I let it go a day.
A day later while sitting on the toilet
I noticed him again,
but this time his feelers moved,
and then as I moved around to see better
his legs started to move about.
Somehow I knew,
that he knew,
death was near.
I finished with the toilet,
and got a piece of paper towel.
He continued to move,
and as he did so
I contemplated catching him
and letting him go,
although I knew he was dead already.
I laid the paper towel over him
and pinched his body between my thumb and two fingers,
and dropped him in the toilet, quickly flushing,
but not quick enough
to keep a small part of me
from dying with him.



–Erthona


©2014

[QDeathstar]

I don't think that edit helps the poem.

---

Water-bug

I hate cockroaches,
especially the big water-bug types
we have in Austin
that get three—four inches long.
One of the biggest I’d ever seen
was laying in my bathtub on his back.
I thought he was dead.

I had sprayed my house recently.
Every time I do,
I find big dead ones
all about for a day or two.
When I first saw
him instead of picking him up
with toilet paper and flushing him,
I let it go a day. Forgetting.

A day later while sitting on the toilet
I noticed him again,
but this time his feelers moved,
and then as I moved around to see better
his legs started to move about.

Somehow I knew,
that he knew,
death was near.


I finished with the toilet,
and got a piece of paper towel.
He continued to move,
and as he did so
I contemplated catching him
and letting him go,
although I knew he was dead already.
I laid the paper towel over him
and pinched his body between my thumb and two fingers,
and dropped him in the toilet, quickly flushing,

but not quick enough
to keep a small part of me
from dying with him.



–Erthona


©2014

That would be my edit, but i have no strong feeling about this. I came into this topic 3-4 times before deciding to invest time in reading about cockroaches.


Im glad i did, perhaps the poem needs a better hook.

[Brownlie]

I don't think that edit helps the poem.

---

Water-bug

I hate cockroaches,
especially the big water-bug types
we have in Austin
that get three—four inches long.
One of the biggest I’d ever seen
was laying in my bathtub on his back.
I thought he was dead.

I had sprayed my house recently.
Every time I do,
I find big dead ones
all about for a day or two.
When I first saw
him instead of picking him up
with toilet paper and flushing him,
I let it go a day. Forgetting.

A day later while sitting on the toilet
I noticed him again,
but this time his feelers moved,
and then as I moved around to see better
his legs started to move about.

Somehow I knew,
that he knew,
death was near.


I finished with the toilet,
and got a piece of paper towel.
He continued to move,
and as he did so
I contemplated catching him
and letting him go,
although I knew he was dead already.
I laid the paper towel over him
and pinched his body between my thumb and two fingers,
and dropped him in the toilet, quickly flushing,

but not quick enough
to keep a small part of me
from dying with him.



–Erthona


©2014

That would be my edit, but i have no strong feeling about this. I came into this topic 3-4 times before deciding to invest time in reading about cockroaches.


Im glad i did, perhaps the poem needs a better hook.

Why keep I hate cockroaches?

[QDeathstar]

Why keep I hate cockroaches?

I dunno. Like i said, i think it needs a better hook.

I hate all cockroaches.
I feel for this cockroach.

[Apex Vega]

It took a while for me to want to go through this. I didn't quite capture my attention to read about cockroaches, I had my doubts it would be as intriguing as when Burroughs had a go at them.

But when I take the time to reflect there is a certain humility and wisdom in writing about such everyday situations, and also finding deep meanings and really important decisions which eventually sums up who we choose to be.

I cannot help you here in giving any tips on where you should use different wording, my reflections usually end up on what meanings I find, not in the wrapping. Of course if it is totally stripped, I will notice and try to offer my help, but here I think the wrapping was good enough to convey the meaning, which i treasure more than the other.

[Erthona]

Brownlie and QDS,

Thanks for your comments. I thought I would answer one of the questions.

"Why keep I hate cockroaches?"

I think it is important to state that the speaker hates cockroaches, as it starts as a starting point from which the journey to empathy begins. Without it one might assume the speaker might not have a revulsion for them, and thus instead of the development of empathy in the speaker, it might have been there all along.
_______________________________________________________
Apex Vega,

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

Dale

[Truerenigma]

Dale I really like this and will have to come back when I have time to critique. Why do I like it? Well, the empathy at the end. It was unexpected after it was said your narrator hates 'em. No complaints about a messy killing either, which is what I might have expected. I hate it when inmates ... er bugs--or anything, really--has to die.

Just a comma patrol for now though

Somehow I knew,
that he knew,
death was near.

There is no grammatical need for them here. You are just instinctively placing them where you want the pauses. (The line break already do that.)[the natural mechanics of language already puts a tiny pause after those verbs anyway]

[Brownlie]

Brownlie and QDS,

Thanks for your comments. I thought I would answer one of the questions.

"Why keep I hate cockroaches?"

I think it is important to state that the speaker hates cockroaches, as it starts as a starting point from which the journey to empathy begins. Without it one might assume the speaker might not have a revulsion for them, and thus instead of the development of empathy in the speaker, it might have been there all along.
_______________________________________________________
Apex Vega,

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

Dale

I think you provide a good explanation for including the line, however I think there are other ways the theme may be conveyed. The spraying process for instance where the narrator is trying to eradicate the insects. From my standpoint, I feel that feelings and emotions are more mysterious (or simple) than a blanket term such as hate, though perhaps you're right. I suppose that statement I just provided is an example of an attempt at some semantic profundity on my part. I suppose you could always consider that Hemingway iceberg idea as well. Either way I respect your decision. Maybe a simple statement is the best way to convey your message. Thanks for posting.

[Thoughtjotter]

Other than the 'ands' and 'commas' already pointed out.
As it goes with each time I read one of your poems, I pick up another gem to add to my education in poetry.
Here: How to draw out an feeling for future understanding. Thanks for the lesson,
R T

"Why keep I hate cockroaches?"

I think it is important to state that the speaker hates cockroaches, as it starts as a starting point from which the journey to empathy begins. Without it one might assume the speaker might not have a revulsion for them, and thus instead of the development of empathy in the speaker, it might have been there all along.
_____________________________________

[Tiger the Lion]

First off, thank you for taking the time to read and leave honest comments for those of us that are Newbs. I am both eager and terrified to comment on your work. But I think the spirit of this forum demands it. I will start at the end...

I love the ending (last 6 lines) as it is both climax and thesis at once. But I find myself wanting more of it. Most of the piece is tight and prosaic and I wonder if you could afford yourself a line of indulgent rhapsody somewhere in that ending.

In lines 18,19,20, I'm not sure if moved, moved, move was intentional or had a purpose I didn't spot. Either way, I think it comes across as lazy even if it's genius.

Lastly, for some reason I keep wanting "although I knew he was dead already." to read "but both of us knew he was dead already."

[ChristopherSea]

Dale, I like the after the fact sympathy, but you could have gotten there quicker. At the present length, much of the poem is procedural/protocol and fluffed up with a bit too much toilet tissue and paper toweling, also toilet and flushing are referenced multiple times. Why not use a stanza to set up the ending better? A few strophes relating to the roach as a fellow organism or something in that vein might be apropos. See what you think./Chris

[Erthona]

Tiger the Lion,

Ah yes, I see what you mean. I thought it somewhat clumsy when I wrote it. The problem stems for the fact that the speaker is sitting on the toilet looking straight ahead and a shower curtain blocks half of the bath tub. The water-bug is towards the front of the tub, with the speaker at the rear of the tub. The curtain is partially blocking his view, and so he must swivel (maybe a better word than move)toward his right to get a more unobstructed view of the bug, and thus determine for sure if he is in fact moving. Antenna the size of a human hair is difficult to see from approximately four feet away, especially if the person is somewhat optically challenged as the speaker is. Regardless, I think you are correct, and I believe I shall change it to "swivel" from "moved".

"Lastly, for some reason I keep wanting "although I knew he was dead already." to read "but both of us knew he was dead already."

I'm afraid I must disagree, not with your sentiment but with your reading. I think he knew death was coming:

"Somehow I knew,
that he knew,
death was near."

...and once something is dead, he can no longer know it. That is to say, one cannot know that one is dead, only in the process of becoming dead. So I think I took him in the process as far as he can go. You may disagree, but that is my reasoning regarding it. I do appreciate the question as it causes me to defend my rationale for a thing, and though I write intuitively, once a thing is written, it always must stand up to reason, and of course internal consistency.

Thanks again, hope to see more of your critiques, as well as your poetry,

Dale
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Chris,

I am sure your comments are valid, but at the moment I am in a rush and cannot give them the attention they deserve, but I did not want you to think I ignored them. I will return later and give them consideration, I'm sure some of it is as you say.

Thanks,

Dale

[Tiger the Lion]

I'm afraid I must disagree, not with your sentiment but with your reading. I think he knew death was coming

You are right to disagree. I think I was hinting toward "I am dead, Horatio" or "they have made worms meat of me". Neither of which even the most sympathetic of cockroaches would ever say!

[Erthona]

Ah whore-ration, I nuded him well!

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chris, I see what you are saying, yet I see no way around it.

"When I first saw
him instead of picking him up
with toilet paper and flushing him,
I let it go a day."

If I did not insert "TP" one might presume I would pick him up barehanded. Only someone who was not revolted by said bug would do so.
----------------------------------------------------
"A day later while sitting on the toilet
I noticed him again, "

Again, alas the toilet, but without being enthroned for a time, there would be no time to observe and contemplate, and as empathy does not appear instantly but develops over time, time was of the excrement (sorry, I am as constant as the American standard*, et tu brute?).
---------------------------------
"I finished with the toilet,
and got a piece of paper towel."

Well, one must finish what one starts. You will notice I got the heavier "paper towel" to use as a death shroud, no more flimsy toilet paper.
---------------------------------
"and dropped him in the toilet"

Well of course one would drop and flush, being in the bathroom, anything else would seem ludicrous. He was given a burial at sea.
----------------------------------
SO, although I see what you mean at first flush...er...blush, that the word "toilet" and it's variations is used often, it is used often with purpose, and not simply ad hoc as one might use a paper plate as a Frisbee. I suppose I could use "commode" one of the times, but people generally call the object by one name, and it does not seem very realistic to alternate words simply because it is a poetic convention, especially when it flies in the face of reality.
However, I am all for brevity, as you know....well, except in prose, so if you could offer some specific judicious trimming I would be more than happy to consider it, but as of the moment, I am not sure what to cut that I find non-essential. Maybe some distance will help, it usually does.

Thank you for your time,

Dale


*American Standard, a common brand of toilet.

[Erthona]

Thank you Cire Lowrimore,

Dale