Dragon Killer

[Erthona]

Dragon Killer

Riding bikes in and out of the smoky tail
of Smog the DDT dragon.
Killer of the ubiquitous “Texas Horned Toad”
the last bastion against the pervasive hoards
of South American “Fire Ants”.
'Green Flag' acting only as a buoy,
set rocking back and forth, finally tipping over
as wave upon wave crashed onto our shores
making the numbers at Normandy look a small by comparison.

By God we eradicated the mosquitoes for a time;
giving rise to the sixties summer backyard barbeque,
Frisbee, Slip and Slide, and Hula Hoops.
Pest free except for invading chiggers swelling genitals
until EPA jet fighters slew the dragon
and mosquitoes returned with a vengeance.

Tipping a wing to their new Axis allies
the fire ant armada as they roared past.
Between the mighty triumvirate
of fleas, mosquitoes, and fire ants,
it was only a short time before
they would retake the outdoors that was once theirs;
sending the human young fleeing inside
to bury themselves in video games.
Forgetting forever the adventures of
Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer,
tree houses, and rope swings,
or that trees were made for anything other
than shade and oxygen production.


–Erthona


©2014

[ellajam]

Hey, Dale, some of this is very well said and some is confusing, but it strikes me as a bit too informational and missing something to spark my imagination. Here are some notes, maybe they'll help.

Dragon Killer

Riding bikes in and out of the smoky tail
of Smog the DDT dragon. I'm unsure if it's Smog the DDT Dragon or smog (punctuation) that the DDT dragon is riding it's bike through.
Killer of the ubiquitous “Texas Horned Toad” Confusing non-sentence, a little punctuation might go a long way.
the last bastion against the pervasive hoards
of South American “Fire Ants”. Do you need the quotes?
'Green Flag' acting only as a buoy, acts? Evocative lines here.
set rocking back and forth, finally tipping over Maybe lose or move "over"
as wave upon wave crashed onto our shores
making Normandy look a small thing by comparison. Seems insulting to those who took losses at Normandy, maybe you can find something else here.

By God we eradicated the mosquitoes for a time,
giving rise to the sixties summer backyard barbeque,
Frisbee, Slip and Slide, and Hula Hoops.
Pest free except for chigger invading swollen genitals;
until EPA jet fighters slew the dragon
and mosquitoes returned with a vengeance.
Well done above, nice job isolating that golden era, and now the dragon is clear.

Tipping a wing to their new Axis allies
the fire breathing ant hoards,as they roared past, Can you cut the...hoards, you've already said it and this is another confused sentence, and did you mean for a period at the end?
Between the mighty triumvirate
of fleas, mosquitoes, and fire ants,
it was only a short time before
they would retake the outdoors that was once theirs;
sending the human young fleeing inside
to bury themselves in video games. Interesting to blame this problem on the bugs instead of the technology and/or overworked parents.
Forgetting forever the adventures of
Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer,
tree houses, and rope swings, Again, lovely.
or that trees were made for anything other than oxygen production. This seems overly optimistic for this poem, they aren't even appreciated for that.


–Erthona


©2014

I hope this helps, sorry I can't give more specific punctuation suggestions, I'd probably lead you astray. Interesting read, thanks for posting it.

[Thoughtjotter]

Dragon Killer

Riding bikes in and out of the smoky tail
of Smog the DDT dragon. I remember doing this as a youngster
Killer of the ubiquitous “Texas Horned Toad” ubiquitous-a new word for me, thanks for expanding my vocabulary
the last bastion against the pervasive hoards
of South American “Fire Ants”.
'Green Flag' acting only as a buoy,
set rocking back and forth, finally tipping over
as wave upon wave crashed onto our shores
making Normandy look a small thing by comparison.

By God we eradicated the mosquitoes for a time,
giving rise to the sixties summer backyard barbeque,
Frisbee, Slip and Slide, and Hula Hoops.
Pest free except for chigger invading swollen genitals;did you mean "invading chiggers swelling genitals"? (just asking.)
until EPA jet fighters slew the dragon
and mosquitoes returned with a vengeance.vividly clear and perfect imagery for that time period

Tipping a wing to their new Axis allies
the fire breathing ant hoards,as they roared past,
Between the mighty triumvirate
of fleas, mosquitoes, and fire ants,
it was only a short time before
they would retake the outdoors that was once theirs;
sending the human young fleeing inside
to bury themselves in video games.
Forgetting forever the adventures of
Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer,
tree houses, and rope swings,
or that trees were made for anything other than oxygen production.


–Erthona
Dale, you have painted with words the equal to the best of Norman Rockwell. Not only depicting an era in which children's main source of entertainment was their shared and individual imagination but also a precise description of mankinds over eager efforts to solve an immediate problem without understanding the consequence. I cannot offer substantial critique on grammatical or form in this poem but from my age of view the content is spot on. Maybe we should offer an age rating; PG13-25 (people guessing from ages 13 through 25), maybe an OF60+ (old farts 60 and over)
Just a couple of side notes concerning the disastrous effects of DDT:
1. It was known to inhibit the development of the eggs of wild birds, depleting the main source of insect control.
2. Fire ants are one of the main predators of all ground nesting birds such as the quail and whippoorwill.
3. Some old men who once rode their bicycles behind trucks spraying the poison known as DDT are now using their last two brain cells writing poetry.

Sorry about the elongated babble but while my other brain cell was napping I thought I would get me two cents worth,
R T


©2014

[Erthona]

Thoughtjotter,

Yes, thanks I will take that own the "invading chiggers swelling genitals", that was exactly what I wanted to say, but couldn't find it. Spot on, thanks.
Yes, I am aware of some of the other ramifications of DDT, but I felt I should limit this poem to what was most commonly known, especially as it is a somewhat nostalgic look at "better" times, not a sermon on the dangers of pesticides.

Marcella,

Here are the sentences you mentioned with some corrections for clarity.

"Riding our bikes in and out of the smoky tail of Smog* the DDT dragon, killer of the ubiquitous “Texas Horned Toad”,
the last bastion against the pervasive hoards of South American Fire Ants.

* An allusion to "Smaug" the dragon from the "Hobbit", as they both sound nearly the same.

"Green Flag" no longer made, was a pesticide that one sprinkled on ant mounds, which would be taken in and ingested by the ants, thus killing the colony. It was completely ineffective against fire ants.

In terms of D-day, maybe:

"finally tipping over
as wave upon wave crashed onto our shores
making the numbers ar Normandy look small by comparison." Better?

This was a bad line anyway.

"Tipping a wing to their new Axis allies
the fire breathing ant hoards,as they roared past"

Maybe

"Tipping a wing to their new Axis allies
the fire ant armada as they roared past."
"Between the mighty triumvirate
of fleas, mosquitoes, and fire ants,
it was only a short time before
they would retake the outdoors that was once theirs;"

"Interesting to blame this problem on the bugs instead of the technology and/or overworked parents."

Actually, my intent was to blame it on the snake that made the garden of Eden possible, and knowledge that killed it. Ignorance is bliss as they say!

Both of you, thanks much for the time and effort you put into your comments,

Dale