Fever under Radio

[bwasroy]

Edit:

Fever under Radio
She lies on the floor
listening to The Kinks,
cat curled besides her.

She lingers, shivering,
until the stars
come out to dance.

I watch from the mattress.
We know, this whole town
might burn down tonight.

The wind comes like horses
jumping against the window.

She dreams of nothing,
clutches the pillow
waits for the end of summer.

Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones,
or grow overnight to an old woman
before a single TV dinner.

A ghost. Maybe she is one already.


Original:

She lies on the floor, fevered
listening to The Kinks,
the cat curled besides –
I do not know how to fix her.

Uncertain and unhappy,
she listens until the stars
come out to dance for her,
shivers in pain and sighs –

I watch from the mattress.
We know, this whole town
might burn down tonight.

The wind came like horses
jumping against the window.

She dreams of nowhere,
standing in the fields of night,
as she clutches the pillow,
wishing summer's nightmares
were never so and waiting
for the fever to break.

Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones,
or grow overnight to an old woman
before a single TV dinner.

A ghost. Maybe she was one already.

That last night together,
I watched her back to me on the floor.

I would not believe that it was possible
to keep existing in such pain:
I have existed.

[poe]

I would like to comment from the start that I find this poem really effective, that is, good. Beginning with the double entendre in S1 cat, fix, woman. It sets the tone for the battle/conondrum that may bud between the sexes. And the poem delivers on that front. I find it original, and of course plenty of yummy(though they be terrible too) images.
Nice piece. Looking forward..
p

[bwasroy]

This has possibilities. I am guessing it is about a detox experience?

It could be a little leaner. Below, I have edited for filler and redundancies..

She lies on the floor, fevered
listening to The Kinks,
the cat curled besides –
I do not know how to fix her.

She lies on the floor
listening to The Kinks,
cat curled beside her.

Uncertain and unhappy,
she listens until the stars
come out to dance for her,
shivers in pain and sighs –

She lingers, shivering,
until the stars
come out to dance.

I watch from the mattress.
We know, this whole town
might burn down tonight.

Why not "bed" instead of "mattress"? Unless the narrator is saying the mattress is on the floor? Otherwise, great use of metaphor in this stanza.

The wind came like horses
jumping against the window.

Vivid and original. "came" should be "comes" to keep the tense consistent.

She dreams of nowhere,
standing in the fields of night,
as she clutches the pillow,
wishing summer's nightmares
were never so and waiting
for the fever to break.

She dreams of nothing,
clutches the pillow,
waits for the end of summer.

Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones,
or grow overnight to an old woman
before a single TV dinner.

I like the shift here..you refuse to give the narrative a definable denouement, and that works to startling effect.

A ghost. Maybe she was one already.

A perfect ending. Maybe change "was" to "is". Consider dropping the last 5 lines. They don't say anything new, and only serve as an anti-climax.

That last night together,
I watched her back to me on the floor.

If these two lines are important to you, consider placing them before "A ghost..etc.."

I would not believe that it was possible
to keep existing in such pain:
I have existed.

It is not necessary to spoon feed readers.

Thank you for indulging me. I hope this is beneficial.

Good notes. Not about withdrawal. About the last night I spent with an ex gf, who happened to be sick. Mattress was a conscious choice - she had a mattress on the floor.

[ajcohen613]

Edit:

Fever under Radio
She lies on the floor
listening to The Kinks, /what song by The Kinks? Further detail in this regard would be nice.
cat curled besides her.

She lingers, shivering,
until the stars /until? Then what? She no longer shivers/lingers?
come out to dance.

I watch from the mattress./ I watch her from the mattress..right?
We know, this whole town / don't need the comma after "know"
might burn down tonight.

The wind comes like horses
jumping against the window. /"like horses"..."jumping" against the window? Seems odd..horses aren't usually known for being fervent jumpers.

She dreams of nothing,/ dreams of "nothing" seems like a cop out to me..you could try and insert something really potent here. Dreams allow for a lot of creativity, so "nothing" seems much too empty.
clutches the pillow
waits for the end of summer.

Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones,
or grow overnight to an old woman
before a single TV dinner.

A ghost. Maybe she is one already. /Lots of maybes..you might consider shedding some.

Hope this helps.