His collarbones protruded,
in the most beautiful way.
His scent filled my nostrils,
as I pressed my nose to the soft skin below his ear.
His hand touched my spine.
Not purposefully, but not by accident.
I felt him smile as his chin brushed my cheek.
Did I make him feel how he made me?
His collarbones protruded,
In the most beautiful.
I tried to make this simple, but it is hard to keep these moments so.
His collarbones protruded,
in the most beautiful way.
You could lose the comma.
His scent filled my nostrils,
as I pressed my nose to the soft skin below his ear.
The comma here too.
His hand touched my spine.
Not purposefully, but not by accident.
I felt him smile as his chin brushed my cheek.
Maybe, I felt his smile. You could come up with something better with the smile. Or leave it like it is.
Did I make him feel how he made me?
I guess it depends on how you read this line.
His collarbones protruded,
In the most beautiful.
allthingsworthy
Unregistered
I like the simplicity to this.
And i mean this in the most positive of ways.
I would rework;
His hand touched my spine.
Not purposefully, but not by accident.
More so the second part. Maybe give more vivid detail into how you 'felt' your spine was touched
Posts: 11
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Joined: May 2014
Great images. There were only two lines that were distracting for me.
Not purposefully, but not by accident.
In mid-poem I began wondering if this is possible and it became a bit of a riddle. Maybe there is a way to say that it was intentionally on accident.
In the most beautiful.
I was left wondering if it should have way at the end.
Posts: 750
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
I quite like this. It is a lot like how I try to sketch a moment. I do agree that "Not purposefully, but not by accident." is a bit of a problem line. If nothing else, I think you would need to use purposely rather than purposefully for a better antonym to accident. At least if you were going for juxtaposition in that line, and not something bigger that I missed.
