Song of Solomon 2:14

[jmmc137]

Song of Solomon 2:14

I’ve always questioned the old man’s ways
He passed away last month
I’m not sure if I’m sad about it or not
He usually kept to himself
No one really knew the current him
Only memories of how he was

I felt a little bad for the teenager
He ran away from here last week
He was always worried
He carried burdens on his shoulders
Most of them were unnecessary
And too much to handle I guess

Remember the lady with the broom?
She waved it around to scare you away
She moved out yesterday
She couldn’t see that you were pretty
She thought you would give me a disease

I open the door
It feels different from a window
I see you flying from house to house
Hiding under porches and steps
You seem restless too

Their craziness…
It kept you at a distance
And me;
In my room

But now it’s safe
Come home and I’ll take care of you
Come home and sing to me


Edit 1
Song of Solomon 2:14

I’ve always questioned the old man’s ways.
He passed away last month.
I’m not sure if I’m sad about it or not.
He usually kept to himself.
No one really knew him,
only memories of how he was.

I felt a little bad for the teenager.
He ran away from here last week.
He was always worried.
He carried burdens on his shoulders.
Most of them were unnecessary,
and too much to handle, I guess.

Remember the lady with the broom?
She waved it around to scare you away.
She moved out yesterday.
She couldn’t see that you were pretty.
She thought you would give me a disease.

I open the door.
It feels different from a window.
I see you flying from house to house,
hiding under porches and steps.
You seem restless too…

Their craziness…
It kept you at a distance,
and me;
in my room.

But now it’s safe.
Come home, and I’ll take care of you.
Come home and sing to me.

[rowens]

I’ve always questioned the old man’s ways
He passed away last month
I’m not sure if I’m sad about it or not
He usually kept to himself
No one really knew the current him

"the current" says something, but it might go too far. Maybe just:
No one really knew him

Only memories of how he was

I felt a little bad for the teenager
He ran away from here last week
He was always worried
He carried burdens on his shoulders

That line is a bit dull.


Most of them were unnecessary
And too much to handle I guess

But the nearly flippant "I guess" makes up for it.


Remember the lady with the broom?
She waved it around to scare you away
She moved out yesterday
She couldn’t see that you were pretty
She thought you would give me a disease

I open the door
It feels different from a window
I see you flying from house to house
Hiding under porches and steps
You seem restless too

Their craziness…
It kept you at a distance
And me;
In my room

But now it’s safe
Come home and I’ll take care of you
Come home and sing to me

That's all I have to say about the poem at the moment.

[crow]

When I look up Song of Solomon 2:14, I get

My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.

---

Hey jmmc137! Nice to have you! A few things as preliminary,

You're about to get busted for capping the initial letter of each line and for failing to punctuate, and rightly so. I would, if I were you, rush and hurry to drop the initial caps where they're not otw called for, and punctuate so as to conform to your style guide of choice.

Yes, that includes any necessary end-line commas. Ultimately, you might decide based on feedback and your own preferences to omit all punctuation, or some, or to mispunctuate, but the first-draft isn't the place to do that

If you don't fix the caps and punctuation, there's a lot of folks who might skip over you. They'll do so wisely, as your meaning is obscured by the technical deficits.

---

Here's a proofread to show what I mean. Do you see how easy it is to see certain issues that were previously obscured by the lack of punctuation?

Song of Solomon 2:14

I’ve always questioned the old man’s ways.
He passed away last month.
I’m not sure if I’m sad about it or not.
He usually kept to himself.
No one really knew the current him,
only memories of how he was.

I felt a little bad for the teenager.
He ran away from here last week.
He was always worried.
He carried burdens on his shoulders.
Most of them were unnecessary
and too much to handle, I guess.

Remember the lady with the broom?
She waved it around to scare you away. [or "?"?]
She moved out yesterday.
She couldn’t see that you were pretty.
She thought you would give me a disease.

I open the door.
It feels different from a window.
I see you flying from house to house,
hiding under porches and steps. [or " . . . ]
You seem restless[probably, you'll want a comma here] too.

Their craziness…
it kept you at a distance
and me;
in my room
--no idea how to punctuate the above stanza

But now it’s safe.
Come home, and I’ll take care of you.
Come home and sing to me.

---

I was going to add a substantive edit, but I can't.

The title references source material with themes unrelated to the work, and the work develops themes and characters absent from the source material. To me, that makes this poem unconstrue-able .

[jmmc137]

Hmm good eye crow. I totally lost my punctuation manners there. But the verse is mostly pertaining to the latter part of the poem. The "you" that the narrator is talking about is a bird, hence the flying and the lady scaring it away with a broom. The bird is hiding in places and the narrator wants to see its face and hear its voice. The old man, the lady, and the teenager personified the characteristics of the narrator that prevented him from being with the bird. They displayed isolation/disconnection, paranoia/overthinking, and insecurity/worry. These things stopped him from being with the one he loved.

---

Also thanks rowens! There were definitely some unnecessary words that could be discarded.

[crow]

Two things--get that revision up (post it above your original in an edit to this thread) and

"The old man, the lady, and the teenager personified the characteristics of the narrator that personified the characteristics of the narrator that prevented him from being with the bird."

I like this a great deal. I have several suggestions after you assimilate this one: clue me in. Tell me which on you like most, then use a version of it:

1. The old man hates me
2. My old man hates me
3. When I was an old man, I hated me
4. My mother named the old man that hates me
5. I am the old man that hates me
6. Someday, I'll look back and hate me
7. I hate the old man in me

Can you see how the first item doesn't suggest the reading you want it to?

---

This:

"I’ve always questioned the old man’s ways
He passed away last month
I’m not sure if I’m sad about it or not
He usually kept to himself
No one really knew the current him
Only memories of how he was"

Actually defeats the construction you're looking for.

---

I should say, too, on the topic of construction, an lady with a broom is a witch. Just no getting around it. And it doesn't help that you have her chasing a bird.

---

Keep throwing objections at me if what I'm saying isn't clear. I like a good back-and-forth, and I don't want you to feel scoffed at or any other negative thing

[jmmc137]

I think it would be more like "I hate the old man in me". The house is almost symbolic of the person and the people being the characteristics of the person.

Developing the characters were specifically challenging. I tried to make the man seem like a hermit and isolated. But saying that "No one really knew him" is a little contradictory because I'd have to know a little about him to even talk about him. But at the same time it adds more to the "unknown" factor about the old man. I intend for the narrator to not like that old man part of him, but how could he not like him if he doesn't know him?

The lady was tough too. I tried to give her that paranoid persona with using the broom to scare away the bird. But that can spawn many different interpretations, in this case a witch. But I did do good on the last part of her stanza with the disease part. Her overthinking obscured her vision.

The teenager was easier. The household has a grandfather, a mother, and two sons. The narrator being the younger son(personifies pure love). There's a dad missing. The teenager's burdens were the burdens of his father; learning things that should've been taught to him and setting an example for his younger sibling.

---

The old man is what I call a "used to". He used to be sociable, loving, and kind. But now he's the total opposite. Maybe the narrator hates him for changing into what he is now.

[crow]

Well, I can only speak to outcomes . . .