Come with me

[Martyl]

come with me
and I will take you to a place,
where you can step aside and contemplate,
the summation of your days,
the wealth of your estate,
and ask those questions that are lurking in your mind,suppressed
for fear the answers that they'll give.
why do we live the life we do.
are we conditioned to our fate.
born,lived and died
to a life that is alien.
is this the only way,
to just recycle history.
or are we snared,trapped,blinded
by our beliefs.
that we listen to the preachers lies
and make believe them true.
these freedoms that we share,
these illusions of our mind,
these shackles that we bear,
from start to end,
how can they be undone.
come with me and see,
if there is another way.

[Mopkins]

Come with me

come with me(capital for Come)
and I will take you to a place, (lose comma)
where you can step aside and contemplate, (lose comma)
the summation of your days, (summation sounds as if their life is drawing to a close)
the wealth of your estate,
and ask those questions that are lurking in your mind, suppressed (long line, consider splitting after questions)
for fear (of) the answers that they'll give.
why do we live the life we do. (capital for Why needs question mark)
are we conditioned to our fate.(capital for Are, needs question mark)
born,lived and died (tense problem – perhaps ‘born into, living and dying’ and skip the starting ‘to’ in the next line)
to a life that is alien.
is this the only way, (capital for Is)
to just recycle history.
or are we (so) snared, trapped, blinded
by our beliefs.
that we listen to the preachers lies
and make believe them true.
these freedoms that we share,(capital for These – but why would you want to ‘undo’ shared freedom, as the third last line indicates?)
these illusions of our mind,
these shackles that we bear,
from start to end,
how can they be undone.(question mark)
come with me and see, (capital for Come)
if there is another way.

Has potential, bit of a tidy up and it’ll be better. Welcome to the forum, Marianne

[Erthona]

This starts with sort of a cadence and some incidental rhyme, but the cadence drops off after the fist third. Aside from those things, there is not much that is poetic, as the bottom half reads like a droning rant. ending on a question, not usually a good sign.

Best,


Dale

[mrwhite]

Definitely add the correct punctuation. I wasn't sure what to think without it. I loved the last 6 line or so. Don't like the "born, lived, died" line too cliche. Spice it up.