Am I a Fool

[milo]

This one was from the very first day of NaPM. It may not be ready for work shopping but I figured if I started others would feel more comfortable doing it. Feel free to offer any suggestions at all, everything is up for grabs here.

Am I a Fool

Am I a fool to see a ghost
in every girl that walks the coast,
as lavender will ghost to grey
and one will turn to none and say,
"am I a fool."

This morning will be spent like most -
the endless days of tea and toast
and living is the ghost of play
am I a fool?

One will stew or two will roast -
the spirit’s gone without the host
as night will always conquer day
as ghosts of voices fade away
you call me still so I just may.
Am I a fool?

[billy]

i didn't like the ghost repetition then i did then i didn't...i'm on the fence about it but it is a bit of a bur under ones saddle. that said it's only a small one. i read the peace as an unrequited love story or death of the heart poem. the end rhymes worked well and that's about it, it was an enjoyable poem that could have done with a bit more (it ended too soon to feel it properly)

This one was from the very first day of NaPM. It may not be ready for work shopping but I figured if I started others would feel more comfortable doing it. Feel free to offer any suggestions at all, everything is up for grabs here.

Am I a Fool

Am I a fool to see a ghost -
a girl that walks along the coast
as lavender will ghost to grey the 2nd ghost doesn't work too well for me, i wonder if the girl would be better than [the] girl as it implies one and not all or any girl.
and one will turn to none and say,
"am I a fool."

This morning will be spent like most -
the endless days of tea and toast
and living is the ghost of play. i take it back about the 2nd ghost, this third one sort of brings the ghost to life, the 2nd now works
am I a fool?

Two to stew and one to roast -
the spirit’s gone without the host
as night will always conquer day fells a bit cliche, would like to have seen a 4th ghost on the 3rd line and not the 4th
as ghosts of voices fade away
you call me still so I just may. the [i just may] feels too ambiguous.
Am I a fool? i like the refrain, it really does add to the poem. for me it takes it out of the supernatural into the natural world of people lost such as lovers.

[Todd]

There are elements I like. I think the strongest parts for me are when you mix it up a bit like in line 3 as lavender will ghost to grey. It's the use as a verb that makes it work for me. I mostly appreciate the wordplay in S1. Line 4 for instance is fun to read.

L6 is a Prufrock image I like.

L12 while debatable inverts the expected so good.

L13 I sort of want voices ghost and fade away

No real issues with it.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[Brownlie]

This one was from the very first day of NaPM. It may not be ready for work shopping but I figured if I started others would feel more comfortable doing it. Feel free to offer any suggestions at all, everything is up for grabs here.

Am I a Fool

Am I a fool to see a ghost -
a girl that walks along the coast,
as lavender will ghost to grey
and one will turn to none and say,
"am I a fool."

This morning will be spent like most -
the endless days of tea and toast
and living is the ghost of play
am I a fool?

Two to stew and one to roast -
the spirit’s gone without the host
as night will always conquer day
as ghosts of voices fade away
you call me still so I just may.
Am I a fool?

I can see off the bat that this is a very cool poem. The ghosts seem important especially since you've used dashes which seems to connect the piece to Emily Dickinson. I'll return to the poem later.

[milo]

i didn't like the ghost repetition then i did then i didn't...i'm on the fence about it but it is a bit of a bur under ones saddle. that said it's only a small one. i read the peace as an unrequited love story or death of the heart poem. the end rhymes worked well and that's about it, it was an enjoyable poem that could have done with a bit more (it ended too soon to feel it properly)

yes, I do tend to like experimenting with repetition and there is always the question of whether it works or not.

This one was from the very first day of NaPM. It may not be ready for work shopping but I figured if I started others would feel more comfortable doing it. Feel free to offer any suggestions at all, everything is up for grabs here.

Am I a Fool

Am I a fool to see a ghost -
a girl that walks along the coast
as lavender will ghost to grey the 2nd ghost doesn't work too well for me, i wonder if the girl would be better than [the] girl as it implies one and not all or any girl.
and one will turn to none and say,
"am I a fool."

This morning will be spent like most -
the endless days of tea and toast
and living is the ghost of play. i take it back about the 2nd ghost, this third one sort of brings the ghost to life, the 2nd now works
am I a fool?

Two to stew and one to roast -
the spirit’s gone without the host
as night will always conquer day fells a bit cliche, would like to have seen a 4th ghost on the 3rd line and not the 4th

that may be a pretty good catch on the cliche. It is definitely cliche, I thought I might get away with it, though I don't want to say why exactly.

as ghosts of voices fade away
you call me still so I just may. the [i just may] feels too ambiguous.

this observation here may be the most damning. The whole poem hinges on the reader knowing what the narrator "just may" do, and if it reads too ambiguous this is a huge problem. I will have to think on it for a bit to see if a solution presents itself.

Am I a fool? i like the refrain, it really does add to the poem. for me it takes it out of the supernatural into the natural world of people lost such as lovers.

[/quote]

thanks for your comments, billy, they have been very helpful.

---

There are elements I like. I think the strongest parts for me are when you mix it up a bit like in line 3 as lavender will ghost to grey. It's the use as a verb that makes it work for me. I mostly appreciate the wordplay in S1. Line 4 for instance is fun to read.

L6 is a Prufrock image I like.

L12 while debatable inverts the expected so good.

L13 I sort of want voices ghost and fade away

No real issues with it.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

hey todd. I am pleased you picked up on the Prufrock image as that is exactly the line (measured out our days in coffee spoons) I had in mind when I wrote it. It is always surprising and delightful when someone picks something like that out.

"as voices ghost and fade away" just may be brilliant. I wonder if "and fade away" would just read superfluous then, which could be troublesome.

Thanks for your comments.

[ellajam]

I've read this quite a few times on the NaPM thread, I enjoy it and find it interesting but am still getting stuck in the same spot.

This one was from the very first day of NaPM. It may not be ready for work shopping but I figured if I started others would feel more comfortable doing it. Feel free to offer any suggestions at all, everything is up for grabs here.

Am I a Fool

Am I a fool to see a ghost -
a girl that walks along the coast,
as lavender will ghost to grey. I love this line, it has stuck with me
and one will turn to none and say,
"am I a fool."

This morning will be spent like most - I like the change from dreamy to mundane.
the endless days of tea and toast
and living is the ghost of play
am I a fool?

Two to stew and one to roast - And here's where I'm stuck.
the spirit’s gone without the host
as night will always conquer day
as ghosts of voices fade away
you call me still so I just may.
Am I a fool?

"Two to stew and one to roast" together with the next line makes me think of the trinity, but I don't think that's it, "the spirit’s gone without the host" works on it's own. I think about stew being juicy and roast dry, I'm lost.

Thanks for posting it, I enjoyed the read again.

I'm back to working on loose ends from March, I probably won't get to April until July.

[milo]

I've read this quite a few times on the NaPM thread, I enjoy it and find it interesting but am still getting stuck in the same spot.

This one was from the very first day of NaPM. It may not be ready for work shopping but I figured if I started others would feel more comfortable doing it. Feel free to offer any suggestions at all, everything is up for grabs here.

Am I a Fool

Am I a fool to see a ghost -
a girl that walks along the coast,
as lavender will ghost to grey. I love this line, it has stuck with me
and one will turn to none and say,
"am I a fool."

This morning will be spent like most - I like the change from dreamy to mundane.
the endless days of tea and toast
and living is the ghost of play
am I a fool?

Two to stew and one to roast - And here's where I'm stuck.
the spirit’s gone without the host
as night will always conquer day
as ghosts of voices fade away
you call me still so I just may.
Am I a fool?

"Two to stew and one to roast" together with the next line makes me think of the trinity, but I don't think that's it, "the spirit’s gone without the host" works on it's own. I think about stew being juicy and roast dry, I'm lost.

Thanks for posting it, I enjoyed the read again.

I'm back to working on loose ends from March, I probably won't get to April until July.

yah, I have deviated from my intent to avoid being preachy and even after changing it once it still isn't quite right. Would:

"One could stew but two will roast"

work any better?

Thanks for your comments.

[ChristopherSea]

milo, it looks like you are missing some punctuation after play in stanza 2. I was wondering if you were up for some variation in your repeat: 'a fool', 'the fool' and 'her fool' could be some possibilities.

Thanks for breaking the ice on NaPM posts for work-shopping.

[milo]

milo, it looks like you are missing some punctuation after play in stanza 2. I was wondering if you were up for some variation in your repeat: 'a fool', 'the fool' and 'her fool' could be some possibilities.

Thanks for breaking the ice on NaPM posts for work-shopping.

I had a comma there but found it disruptive, technically it is more correct with it in, yes.

I am not against using different refrains (though I do prefer my rondeaus with pure refrains) but I am not sure what it would add. My intent was for the first refrain to ascertain state of mind, the second one to identify address the third to state suggest reasons why he would consider taking action and the fourth to show the narrator's understanding of the consequences of his intended actions. Were i to change them to other pronouns, I don't know what it would mean anymore.

Still, I can see that the second line is causing enough people confusion that you've given me an idea how to fix it.

Thanks for your comments.

[Erthona]

milo,

Mostly iambic tetrameter:

Between the smoothness of the line, which tends to speed up the reading of the line and the rhyming couplets, this combines synergistically to make this more singsong than it would be with a different rhyme scheme, of if in blank verse. This is a case where the form seems at odds with the content.

Dale

[Brownlie]

This one was from the very first day of NaPM. It may not be ready for work shopping but I figured if I started others would feel more comfortable doing it. Feel free to offer any suggestions at all, everything is up for grabs here.

I suppose you have some sort aphoristic statements (if that's what you want to call them) in the lines "living is the ghost of play" though that seems to suggest a state of dissolution. You also have a similar statement of more abstract terms in "night will always conquer day"

Am I a Fool -- Question mark here perhaps

Am I a fool to see a ghost
in every girl that walks the coast,
as lavender will ghost to grey
and one will turn to none and say,
"am I a fool." -- It's interesting that this has no question mark


This morning will be spent like most -
the endless days of tea and toast -- Maybe an instead of the, statements that generalize about everything seem to detract from the poignancy. I get the Prufrock as well, so I suppose that could relate to the repeated question as a hint of hesitation

and living is the ghost of play
am I a fool?

One will stew or two will roast -
the spirit’s gone without the host -- You might want to play with "the" in this line. This is a very corporeal idea

as night will always conquer day
as ghosts of voices fade away
you call me still so I just may. -- You might want to include a more grandiloquent statement here.
Am I a fool?

[/b]

Did my best to comment.

[milo]

milo,

Mostly iambic tetrameter:

Between the smoothness of the line, which tends to speed up the reading of the line and the rhyming couplets, this combines synergistically to make this more singsong than it would be with a different rhyme scheme, of if in blank verse. This is a case where the form seems at odds with the content.

Dale

hmm . . well, I hadn't really considered any form other than a rondeau as none of them would really allow for the short refrain.

Do you mean to say that this poem would do better to read slower for some reason? I am not sure.

---

This one was from the very first day of NaPM. It may not be ready for work shopping but I figured if I started others would feel more comfortable doing it. Feel free to offer any suggestions at all, everything is up for grabs here.

I suppose you have some sort aphoristic statements (if that's what you want to call them) in the lines "living is the ghost of play" though that seems to suggest a state of dissolution. You also have a similar statement of more abstract terms in "night will always conquer day"

Am I a Fool -- Question mark here perhaps

Am I a fool to see a ghost
in every girl that walks the coast,
as lavender will ghost to grey
and one will turn to none and say,
"am I a fool." -- It's interesting that this has no question mark


This morning will be spent like most -
the endless days of tea and toast -- Maybe an instead of the, statements that generalize about everything seem to detract from the poignancy. I get the Prufrock as well, so I suppose that could relate to the repeated question as a hint of hesitation

and living is the ghost of play
am I a fool?

One will stew or two will roast -
the spirit’s gone without the host -- You might want to play with "the" in this line. This is a very corporeal idea

as night will always conquer day
as ghosts of voices fade away
you call me still so I just may. -- You might want to include a more grandiloquent statement here.
Am I a fool?

[/b]

Did my best to comment.

Thanks for the comments, they are appreciated.