Realisations (please edit)- revised

[kaiaferg]

1st edit:

I stare at the free people in the streets
That are taller, wiser and more comfortable than me
And in my childhood naivety I pine to become them.
Yet here I am, now 17, on the brink of the free world that I’ve always dreamed of
And all I feel is fear,
Disappointment from the growing realisation that my coming of age in no way
Presents me with the unbound freedom that I dreamed of
And in no way
Gives me the right to a unique sense of wisdom
I gather this disappointing realisation from the fact there are millions of people in the world
Yet I am Supposed to be the only me
I find confusion in this fact when there are billions more than just me
And so there must be clones of me, or me be a clone of someone else
This in some way is comforting yet my sense of self identity is hazed
Blinded from my real insecurities
And the dilemma of life encompasses me in such a way that it eludes me

All we live to do in our delinquent youth is to be present
Seize our chances at one time youth
And then life expects us to leave our youth behind us
And become the mature people of the world
Living day by day on the thread of a hope that something extraordinary from our ill bent youth
Will disrupt our dreadfully routine based lives
That we once dreamed so badly for so we can superficially maintain an illusion of stability
Yet when we obtain this life the realisation that the one we had in our ill bent youth
Was the freest we would be
The universe then strips our souls bare
And replaces our hope with the hope that the past will stay the past

And so when we are turning to dust in our sunken sofa’s
How can we not feel regret
The regret of not wanting any more than stability
Not needing any more than identity
And trying to find both stability and identity in the ritual of family
And so when our minds and souls are breaking away
Forming clouds of blinding dust
How can we not imagine the life paths that were not taken?
Fantasizing and longing for the other endings we could have had
The other children that we could have bared to this world
With another half that we could have given our soul
Or maybe the lonely self-righteous freedom we could have
With no family
No self-warming, world ending love
That binds you to another person

And so when the dust has settled
And you are only a forgotten photo
On the generational mantle place
Maybe it is just me
but it seems as though
Life is just years of
Realisations
Of what could have become but scarcely will

(not much of change only aligned to the left and took out a couple of repeating words, thank you for the input)
--
[/align]original:

I stare at the free people in the streets
That are taller, wiser and more comfortable than me
And in my childhood naivety I pine to become them.
Yet here I am, now 17, on the brink of the free world that I’ve always dreamed of
And all I feel is fear,
Disappointment from the growing realisation that my coming of age in no way
Presents me with the unbound freedom that I dreamed of
And in no way
Gives me the right to a unique sense of wisdom
I gather this disappointing realisation from the fact there are millions of people in the world
Yet I am Supposed to be the only me
I find confusion in this fact when there are billions more than just me
And so there must be clones of me, or me be a clone of someone else
This in some way comforts me yet my sense of self identity is hazed
Blinds me from my real insecurities
And the dilemma of life encompasses me in such a way that it eludes me

All we live to do in our delinquent youth is to be present
Seize our chances at one time youth
And then life expects us to leave our youth behind us
And become the mature people of the world
Living day by day on the thread of a hope that something extraordinary from our ill bent youth
Will disrupt our dreadfully routine based lives
That we once dreamed so badly for so we can superficially maintain an illusion of stability
Yet when we obtain this life the realisation that the one we had in our ill bent youth
Was the freest we would be
The universe then strips our souls bare
And replaces our hope with the hope that the past will stay the past

And so when we are turning to dust in our sunken sofa’s
How can we not feel regret
The regret of not wanting any more than stability
Not needing any more than identity
And trying to find both stability and identity in the ritual of family
And so when our minds and souls are breaking away
Forming clouds of blinding dust
How can we not imagine the life paths that were not taken?
Fantasizing and longing for the other endings we could have had
The other children that we could have bared to this world
With another half that we could have given our soul
Or maybe the lonely self-righteous freedom we could have had
With no family
No self-warming, world ending love
That binds you to another person
just us alone

And so when the dust has settled
And you are only a forgotten photo
On the generational mantle place
Maybe it is just me
But it seems as though
Life is just years of
Realisations
Of what could have become but what scarcely will

( this kind of isn't a poem more a philosophical rant but I hope you enjoyed and I realise the punctuation is way off and so is the structure, please give me editing advice )

[rowens]

What is the structure, since you say it's way off?

[kaiaferg]

[quote='rowens' pid='165241' dateline='1400629767']
What is the structure, since you say it's way off?
[/quote

I would have no clue, I just kind of wrote it not thinking about anything like structure and if I was to write it in a structured way I wouldn't know where to start
any ideas?

[rowens]

It's something in the field of epiphanic disillusionment. It's very low key though, unlike other poetic works of youthful failure.
The third stanza has some of the best stuff. But instead of just talking like this poem does, you can add some action, add a character that's realizing things and doing things. Instead of just talking.

[kaiaferg]

yes I was thinking about adding a character, I thought that it may take away from the flow,
thank you rowens

[rowens]

It does have a certain flow. I just think it would be more interesting with more atmosphere. More of what you have in the last two stanzas.

[RSaba]

Neat writing, but I would suggest just aligning it to the left of the page for easier reading. Some poems are nice center-aligned, but this one has such a disparity in the length of the lines (not a bad thing, just a fact) that the center alignment makes it tough to jump around. I found it hard to really read the piece like this.

From what I did read, though, I liked your point of view. It's a feeling we've all had at some point, perhaps recently or not-so-recently.
A few points:
Watch out for repetition of words. Example:
I am Supposed to be the only me
I find confusion in this fact when there are billions more than just me
And so there must be clones of me, or me be a clone of someone else
This in some way comforts me yet my sense of self identity is hazed
Blinds me from my real insecurities
And the dilemma of life encompasses me in such a way that it eludes me

---There is some good insight here but when I read it, all that jumps out is the word "me." These are lengthy sentences that could be simplified and perhaps even combined in some cases. Try reading the poem out loud and finding the bits that seem awkward to speak.

Another example, the last line:
Of what could have become but what scarcely will

---You can get rid of the second "what."

As I said, re-align it and then read it for yourself. That is one of the best ways to do a first edit!

Good luck and thanks for the interesting read!

[kaiaferg]

yes thank you

[Tiger the Lion]

Has somewhat of a tirade journal entry feel to it. Nothing wrong with that when you end up with a line as good as " so when we are turning to dust in our sunken sofa’s" Build off that.

[kindofahippy]

Once upon a time
in a galaxy far, far away
the long-forgotten art of centered
poetry was ressurected and all
that remained in the mind was
memories of movie credits

[RSaba]

^^^ Example of great centered poetry! Since the lines make a shape that you can read without jumping around... great example, kindofahippy