I Cede You Peace

[LorettaYoung]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you are peace
(and reason too)
and me, I'm passion
through and through.

I know your heart
a golden gem.
So, surely I will laugh again;
raise up my head
(as you once said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will;
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

[tectak]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace You need some dramatic hiatus here...not just because of the penance of punctuation but because you are metaphorically changing direction but in the same vector...like a ball tossed up into the air must stop before gravity reverses its direction. (physics...don't argue)...so, a comma minimum, if only to give that exquisite weightlessness before the fall back, but your poem.
I'll keep my passion ...and now that the sentence is complete...a period.Look, I know how this sounds, but my granny you ain't
let's have a gourmet feast Sentence...you know what to do
we'll dress in fashion;
that's who we are, strictly " We'll dress in fashion, that's what we do.
You're peace and reason, I'm passion through and through." All is opinion
you're peace and reason too,
and me, am passion
through and through.

Yet, I know your heart
a golden gem, No. Cannot be. Gold is gold, gem is a gem. Hmmm. Maybe....
and I will laugh, and and and is getting andy
raise up my head
(as once you said) Nice phrasing.
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will, Oddly, if you mean this pensive pause, a comma is too short.
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

Hi loretta,
Critique is not just about finding faults, though it must seem so sometimes. Of course, finding faults is easier than just offering up suggestions...so this will be difficult
Overall, I only found small personal nits which as always, and quite rightly, you may choose to ignore. This is an accomplished piece which unusually says a lottle about a little in a good way. Well done....now can I say I like it?
Best,
tectak

[tectak]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace You need some dramatic hiatus here...not just because of the penance of punctuation but because you are metaphorically changing direction but in the same vector...like a ball tossed up into the air must stop before gravity reverses its direction. (physics...don't argue)...so, a comma minimum, if only to give that exquisite weightlessness before the fall back, but your poem.
I'll keep my passion ...and now that the sentence is complete...a period.Look, I know how this sounds, but my granny you ain't
let's have a gourmet feast Sentence...you know what to do
we'll dress in fashion;
that's who we are, strictly " We'll dress in fashion, that's what we do.
You're peace and reason, I'm passion through and through." All is opinion
you're peace and reason too,
and me, am passion
through and through.

Yet, I know your heart
a golden gem, No. Cannot be. Gold is gold, gem is a gem. Hmmm. Maybe....
and I will laugh, and and and is getting andy
raise up my head
(as once you said) Nice phrasing.
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will, Oddly, if you mean this pensive pause, a comma is too short.
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

Hi loretta,
Critique is not just about finding faults, though it must seem so sometimes. Of course, finding faults is easier than just offering up suggestions...so this will be difficult
Overall, I only found small personal nits which as always, and quite rightly, you may choose to ignore. This is an accomplished piece which unusually says a lottle about a little in a good way. Well done....now can I say I like it?
Best,
tectak

---

Hi loretta,
Critique is not just about finding faults, though it must seem so sometimes. Of course, finding faults is easier than just offering up suggestions...so this will be difficult
Overall, I only found small personal nits which as always, and quite rightly, you may choose to ignore. This is an accomplished piece which unusually says a lottle about a little in a good way. Well done....now can I say I like it?
Best,
tectak

---

Hi Tectak: thanks for your input; much appreciated. Your comments are very helpful to this novice. A few questions, do you mean a capital in "Let's have a gourmet feast" then a comman before the next line?, we'll dress in fashion refers directly back to the passion. I will keep the "you're peace and reason too.....for now until I get more response and think about it; I happen to like to way it sounds. "A golden gem", there are many gems which are gold; perhaps the reader will interpret that the person is a golden gem? How would you suggest I repair the two and's (and, I will laugh, and), use a comma and omit the second and altogether? I will, is accentuated by a comma as emphasis to intention and a little humor, would you omit the comma and make one line
I appreciate the suggestions so much, am having more problems making them on others poems. I am very glad you like the poem. Thank you. Loretta

---

Hi Tectak: thanks for your input; much appreciated. Your comments are very helpful to this novice. A few questions, do you mean a capital in "Let's have a gourmet feast" then a comman before the next line?, No. At sentence end...a period we'll dress in fashion refers directly back to the passion. But you say that is who you are, not what you do. I dress myself, that's where I am. I go to France, that's what I am. I eat my soup, that's who I am. Spot the problem I will keep the "you're peace and reason too.....for now until I get more response and think about it; I happen to like to way it sounds. "A golden gem", there are many gems which are gold Name one. Gems are cut stones, crystals or minerals. Gold is a precious metal.; perhaps the reader will interpret that the person is a golden gem? How would you suggest I repair the two and's (and, I will laugh, and), Period after gem, drop the first and. New sentence "I will ...." use a comma and omit the second and altogether? I will, is accentuated by a comma as emphasis to intention and a little humor, would you omit the comma and make one line
I appreciate the suggestions so much, am having more problems making them on others poems. I am very glad you like the poem. Thank you. Loretta

[Erthona]

Loretta,

Two quick observations:
__________________________________________________
"will keep the "you're peace and reason too.....for now until I get more response"

"too", seems like a forced rhyme for "through and through", or vice versa.
__________________________________________________
"A golden gem", there are many gems which are gold;

Seems redundantly contradictorily to me, kind of like saying you are a cat-dog. They are both animals, but they are different animals.

"there are many gems which are gold"

No, that is not true even metaphorically. People are sometimes called "gems", but never called "gold". When referring to people we use "golden", e.g., "the golden boy", but more usually, "he had a golden arm". You might also say "his word is gold". So you might say (although I wouldn't as it belabors the point, not to mention being redundant) "golden gem".

Dale


Paul is dead

[nb]

Hi Loretta!

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a gourmet feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
that's who we are,
you're peace and reason too,
and me, am passion
through and through.

I might drop "gourmet". I think the line flows better without it.

I would also add a comma after "you're peace". Are you saying that peace is rational while passion is not? If so, I think you're right about passion (an old Yiddish proverb says: "When the schwanz stands up, the brain lays down") but not necessarily about peace.

You make a nice point here. The person devoted to passion & the person devoted to peace can be civil, even friendly, in spite of their very different outlooks.

Yet, I know your heart
a golden gem,
and I will laugh,
raise up my head
(as once you said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I think that this is the weakest stanza in your poem. What does it add? Why would the passionate person wnt to make of empty peace a facade?

I go with what everyone else is saying about "a golden gem."How about something like "an emerald gem" instead?

I will,
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

This is the strongest stanza. It is personal, short, sweet and to the point.

nb

[abu nuwas]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a gourmet feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
that's who we are,
you're peace and reason too,
and me, am passion
through and through.

Yet, I know your heart
a golden gem,
and I will laugh,
raise up my head
(as once you said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will,
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

Loretta, I think the point which tectak was making, was that a gem, properly speaking, is a mineral, a gem-stone. Gold is a metal, in which the precious stones are set. I don't think it important. The word has long since passed, after much use as a metaphor, into being a second meaning for a special person, and so I see no reason why you should not qualify it with 'golden'

Some of the rhymes are a little forced, but not greatly. It might be less obvious if you were able to move them further apart. It is a nice piece.

[SuicidalBlueJay]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you're peace
(and reason too)
and me, am passion
through and through.

Yet, I know your heart
a golden gem,
and I will laugh,
raise up my head
(as once you said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will,
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

Ummm Hello! This is more on my end... but I didn't understand your poem very well. I'm new to poetry so that's probably my fault. And also I don't know what "cede" means lol. Anyways I like peace and passion so this poem is fine with me!

[billy]

when you have lot's of replies in the same post the post can get to big, the best technique is to edit out the posts you don't want in your reply instead of posting the same thing over and over.

[ellajam]

when you have lot's of replies in the same post the post can get to big, the best technique is to edit out the posts you don't want in your reply instead of posting the same thing over and over.

Loretta wrote:

Dale: They won't let me comment on a reply button; keep throwing me off;

I never saw that problem before, maybe clear the browser's cache?

[tectak]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you're peace"You are peace" reads more smoothly yet ascertively.
(and reason too)
and me, am passionI'm
through and through.

Yet, I know your heartThe "yet" is a filler where no hole exists...so it sticks out
a golden gem,
but I will laugh, andWhy the conditional but. "so", surely.
raise up my head
(as once you said) "As once you said" tips the statement into singularity. You only said "xxxx" once. You may mean that...or....do you mean "As you once said", which emphasises the "you" and nobody else, BUT also has the effect of suspected negation. You once said "xxxx"... but do you still? I suspect the latter.
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will, This is an interesting point. The comma is as wrong as a colon would be right. I cannot recall seeing a declaration so ripe for a colonoscopy. Try it. If you don't like it I will be lampooned, not you. Don't see many colons these days.
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

This just gets better and better. I only stick my suggestions up because I want to be associated with excellence
Very Best and well done,
tectak

---

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you're peace
(and reason too)
and me, am passion
through and through.

Yet, I know your heart
a golden gem,
and I will laugh,
raise up my head
(as once you said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will,
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

Ummm Hello! This is more on my end... but I didn't understand your poem very well. I'm new to poetry so that's probably my fault. And also I don't know what "cede" means lol. Anyways I like peace and passion so this poem is fine with me!

...but your critique is not fine. Appreciating that you are new to this could you kindly attempt to say something about the piece that would help the writer. Perhaps if you had looked up "cede" in advance you could have made an informed comment on the use of the word. This would help both you and the writer. That is what the site is for.
Admin

[abu nuwas]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you're peace"You are peace" reads more smoothly yet ascertively.
(and reason too)
and me, am passionI'm
through and through.

Yet, I know your heartThe "yet" is a filler where no hole exists...so it sticks out
a golden gem,
but I will laugh, andWhy the conditional but. "so", surely.
raise up my head
(as once you said) "As once you said" tips the statement into singularity. You only said "xxxx" once. You may mean that...or....do you mean "As you once said", which emphasises the "you" and nobody else, BUT also has the effect of suspected negation. You once said "xxxx"... but do you still? I suspect the latter.
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will, This is an interesting point. The comma is as wrong as a colon would be right. I cannot recall seeing a declaration so ripe for a colonoscopy. Try it. If you don't like it I will be lampooned, not you. Don't see many colons these days.
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

This just gets better and better. I only stick my suggestions up because I want to be associated with excellence
Very Best and well done,
tectak

---

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you're peace
(and reason too)
and me, am passion
through and through.

Yet, I know your heart
a golden gem,
and I will laugh,
raise up my head
(as once you said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will,
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

Ummm Hello! This is more on my end... but I didn't understand your poem very well. I'm new to poetry so that's probably my fault. And also I don't know what "cede" means lol. Anyways I like peace and passion so this poem is fine with me!

...but your critique is not fine. Appreciating that you are new to this could you kindly attempt to say something about the piece that would help the writer. Perhaps if you had looked up "cede" in advance you could have made an informed comment on the use of the word. This would help both you and the writer. That is what the site is for.
Admin

Loretta, if you should adopt tectak's colon -which sounds mildly disgusting - perhaps it would be good to use it as colons are best used, namely, to elaborate a list of what has just been stated as a generality. Thus, it might go:

''I will:
disturb the peace
in my own fashion; and
cede you your peace
in search of passion.''

By way of explanation, a simple example of using a colon like this, would be:-

'' Loretta displayed many good qualities: patience, tact, elegance of style, charm and intelligence...''

[tectak]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you're peace"You are peace" reads more smoothly yet ascertively.
(and reason too)
and me, am passionI'm
through and through.

Yet, I know your heartThe "yet" is a filler where no hole exists...so it sticks out
a golden gem,
but I will laugh, andWhy the conditional but. "so", surely.
raise up my head
(as once you said) "As once you said" tips the statement into singularity. You only said "xxxx" once. You may mean that...or....do you mean "As you once said", which emphasises the "you" and nobody else, BUT also has the effect of suspected negation. You once said "xxxx"... but do you still? I suspect the latter.
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will, This is an interesting point. The comma is as wrong as a colon would be right. I cannot recall seeing a declaration so ripe for a colonoscopy. Try it. If you don't like it I will be lampooned, not you. Don't see many colons these days.
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

This just gets better and better. I only stick my suggestions up because I want to be associated with excellence
Very Best and well done,
tectak

---

Ummm Hello! This is more on my end... but I didn't understand your poem very well. I'm new to poetry so that's probably my fault. And also I don't know what "cede" means lol. Anyways I like peace and passion so this poem is fine with me!

...but your critique is not fine. Appreciating that you are new to this could you kindly attempt to say something about the piece that would help the writer. Perhaps if you had looked up "cede" in advance you could have made an informed comment on the use of the word. This would help both you and the writer. That is what the site is for.
Admin

Loretta, if you should adopt tectak's colon -which sounds mildly disgusting - perhaps it would be good to use it as colons are best used, namely, to elaborate a list of what has just been stated as a generality. Thus, it might go:

''I will:
disturb the peace
in my own fashion; and
cede you your peace
in search of passion.''

By way of explanation, a simple example of using a colon like this, would be:-

'' Loretta displayed many good qualities: patience, tact, elegance of style, charm and intelligence...''

Quite.
tectak

[tectak]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you are peace
(and reason too)
and me, I'm passion
through and through.

I know your heart
a golden gem.
So, surely I will laugh, and
raise up my head
(as you once said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will;
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

That's a wrap or you're playing with your food.
Excellent work.
tectak

[LorettaYoung]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you are peace
(and reason too)
and me, I'm passion
through and through.

I know your heart
a golden gem.
So, surely I will laugh, and
raise up my head
(as you once said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will;
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

That's a wrap or you're playing with your food.
Excellent work.
tectak

---

Hi Tectak: Thank you so much and the others who helped make this a meaningful effort.
This is a great way to learn. Now I must study critiquing and do some learning exercises.

[tectak]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you are peace
(and reason too)
and me, I'm passion
through and through.

I know your heart
a golden gem.
So, surely I will laugh, and
raise up my head
(as you once said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will;
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

Hi loretta,
This has bothered me then suddenly.

I know your heart,
a golden gem.
So surely I will laugh again;
raise up my head
(as you once said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

Just another thought!
Best,
tectak

[LorettaYoung]

Hi Tictak: Do you mean L3?, Thanks, Loretta

---

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you're peace"You are peace" reads more smoothly yet ascertively.
(and reason too)
and me, am passionI'm
through and through.

Yet, I know your heartThe "yet" is a filler where no hole exists...so it sticks out
a golden gem,
but I will laugh, andWhy the conditional but. "so", surely.
raise up my head
(as once you said) "As once you said" tips the statement into singularity. You only said "xxxx" once. You may mean that...or....do you mean "As you once said", which emphasises the "you" and nobody else, BUT also has the effect of suspected negation. You once said "xxxx"... but do you still? I suspect the latter.
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will, This is an interesting point. The comma is as wrong as a colon would be right. I cannot recall seeing a declaration so ripe for a colonoscopy. Try it. If you don't like it I will be lampooned, not you. Don't see many colons these days.
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

This just gets better and better. I only stick my suggestions up because I want to be associated with excellence
Very Best and well done,
tectak

---

Ummm Hello! This is more on my end... but I didn't understand your poem very well. I'm new to poetry so that's probably my fault. And also I don't know what "cede" means lol. Anyways I like peace and passion so this poem is fine with me!

...but your critique is not fine. Appreciating that you are new to this could you kindly attempt to say something about the piece that would help the writer. Perhaps if you had looked up "cede" in advance you could have made an informed comment on the use of the word. This would help both you and the writer. That is what the site is for.
Admin

Loretta, if you should adopt tectak's colon -which sounds mildly disgusting - perhaps it would be good to use it as colons are best used, namely, to elaborate a list of what has just been stated as a generality. Thus, it might go:

''I will:
disturb the peace
in my own fashion; and
cede you your peace
in search of passion.''

By way of explanation, a simple example of using a colon like this, would be:-

'' Loretta displayed many good qualities: patience, tact, elegance of style, charm and intelligence...''

[tectak]

Hi Tictak: Do you mean L3?, Thanks, Loretta

---

This just gets better and better. I only stick my suggestions up because I want to be associated with excellence
Very Best and well done,
tectak

---

...but your critique is not fine. Appreciating that you are new to this could you kindly attempt to say something about the piece that would help the writer. Perhaps if you had looked up "cede" in advance you could have made an informed comment on the use of the word. This would help both you and the writer. That is what the site is for.
Admin

Loretta, if you should adopt tectak's colon -which sounds mildly disgusting - perhaps it would be good to use it as colons are best used, namely, to elaborate a list of what has just been stated as a generality. Thus, it might go:

''I will:
disturb the peace
in my own fashion; and
cede you your peace
in search of passion.''

By way of explanation, a simple example of using a colon like this, would be:-

'' Loretta displayed many good qualities: patience, tact, elegance of style, charm and intelligence...''

Yes, of course.
Best,
tectak

[Tiger the Lion]

So many keen observations on this peace (sic). I'm not sure why you used the cliche "disturb the peace" when you have so many options, This line is your chance to upend the peace, throw a brick at the peace, or piss on the peace, whatever you can muster. Maybe you had a logic to just disturbing it, but it's your peace to aggravate. As far as "golden gem" goes, I think gem is a big enough word to stand without ANY adjective holding it up. Great read, thanks.
Paul

[LorettaYoung]

So many keen observations on this peace (sic). I'm not sure why you used the cliche "disturb the peace" when you have so many options, This line is your chance to upend the peace, throw a brick at the peace, or piss on the peace, whatever you can muster. Maybe you had a logic to just disturbing it, but it's your peace to aggravate. As far as "golden gem" goes, I think gem is a big enough word to stand without ANY adjective holding it up. Great read, thanks.
Paul

---

Thanks paul for reading and commenting. I don't want to shy away from a term just because it's common; disturb fits the mood and adds humor, perhaps subliminally. I will though think about it and appreciate your bringing it to my attention. A golden gem is very precious; i meant it that way. Loretta

[metalfan91]

I like the idea of "ceding peace" instead of passion. I don't know which I would choose. I guess everyone should have both if all is good.
Also, I don' think you should change the "disturb the piece" part. It sounds fine. The rhymes were spot-on as well. Great work.