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All the things left pressing to do:
List things I have continued to avoid doing.
For in the not doing,
appears the illusion of expedience.
But that is a ruse,
a nefarious deluding, causing a ready trash of undone necessities when
to polish my onyx headdress and be my queen of this equilibrium in which I am supervising seventh grade homework and
overseeing ninth grade class play lines,
all the while having swept and mopped my floors, and planned a lovely dinner for four...
These then are the least of which the those,
that have allowed my breath to carry me
well past the threshold of more.
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(05-10-2014, 07:02 AM)Tony Short Wrote: All the things left pressing to do:
List things I have continued to avoid doing.
For in the not doing,
appears the illusion of expedience.
But that is a ruse,
a nefarious deluding, causing a causal trash of undone necessities when
to polish my onyx headdress and be my queen of this equilibrium in which I am; supervising seventh grade homework and
overseeing ninth grade class play lines;
All the while having swept and mopped my floors, and planned a lovely dinner for four...
These; then are the least of which the those,
that have allowed my breath to carry me
well past the threshold of more. Hi tony,
There is a hell of a lot of little things wrong with this but just by weight of numbers they are drowning a good concept.
To say something encouraging to you may seem patronising but don't worry...the reality is you must ...absolutely MUST...read your work out loud as a corrective aid.
L1 "All the pressing things left (still?) to do" makes some sense. "..left pressing to do" does not.
L2, S2 is such a vainglorious muddle of over wordiness that the swallowing of your thesaurus obviously made you throw up. Use words that you are comfortable with...the idea is to show off your poetic ability not just show off. "...a nefarious deluding"? "causing causal"? Save me...but save the poem first. Keep it simple.
The rest of S2 is pure Klingon. What are you trying to say? I can make no headway through this ocean of slush. Put the ship into dry dock just for a moment and when all is still read this "A nefarious (wrong word) deluding (delusion) causing a causal (tautological anti-oxymoron big time, as you might say) trash of undone necessities (huh? Just how does a "deluding" cause a "necessity". Now you will say...hmmm... yep, it IS gibberish; and I will say...put it right.
No point in trying to talk meter because there is not a vestige of an attempt to make the piece conform to any known rhythm...nor rhyme.
There is much to be done and you will get help here...but please, don't run. Stand your ground and work on it.
Finally, cut down on the abstractions...things which cannot be; touched and
learn; how to use semicolons; AAARRRGGGHHH!
Best and mild.
tectak
Posts: 1,827
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Tony the Short (or Tony the height challenged if you prefer),
I think this is suppose to be satire, or satirically ironic, or some combination of those words with a few others thrown in. It is a valiant effort but in the end, vainglorious, as most ends are; they are nothing more than pompous windbags. If it is not satire heed Tom's sound words, if it is...no words have I. For only by the title do I surmise, it might in fact be satire. The plays the thing, but here the wings have fallen off, and this bird soars not, although it does sore. After reading o'er and o'er, I am still confused if this is an attempt to lampoon the inversion discussion, or is thus inverted. As Tom says, "AAARRRGGGHHH!"
dale, the non-critical
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Hi Poe
Let me first start off by saying that I think this is a fabulous piece that you've written here. One thing I might change or be more aware of next time is that it is a little verbose at certain parts of the poem, particularly the part '...causing a causal trash...' as well as the rest of the line, really. I see what you were doing with the tone and rhythm of the poem using all of that punctuation, possibly to emphasize the satirical nature of the poem as Erthona suggested, but I think that a few changes might help the poem read a little better. The semicolon in the last stanza which is right after 'These' in the first line doesn't make much sense here. I might suggest replacing that semicolon with a comma, or just taking it out completely. Similarly, the semicolons in stanza 2 could be taken out and replaced with commas.
That being said, I would give this 5 stars! (out of 5)
-UnclePedro
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Joined: Apr 2014
(05-16-2014, 05:19 PM)UnclePedro Wrote: Hi Poe
Let me first start off by saying that I think this is a fabulous piece that you've written here. One thing I might change or be more aware of next time is that it is a little verbose at certain parts of the poem, particularly the part '...causing a causal trash...' as well as the rest of the line, really. I see what you were doing with the tone and rhythm of the poem using all of that punctuation, possibly to emphasize the satirical nature of the poem as Erthona suggested, but I think that a few changes might help the poem read a little better. The semicolon in the last stanza which is right after 'These' in the first line doesn't make much sense here. I might suggest replacing that semicolon with a comma, or just taking it out completely. Similarly, the semicolons in stanza 2 could be taken out and replaced with commas.
That being said, I would give this 5 stars! (out of 5)
-UnclePedro
Thank you UnclePedro for your encouraging words. I have taken heed to your critique. I replaced the word "causal" with "ready", and removed those dastardly semi-colons.
poe
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Joined: May 2014
(05-10-2014, 07:02 AM)poe Wrote: All the things left pressing to do:
List things I have continued to avoid doing.
For in the not doing,
appears the illusion of expedience.
But that is a ruse,
a nefarious deluding, causing a ready trash of undone necessities when
to polish my onyx headdress and be my queen of this equilibrium in which I am supervising seventh grade homework and
overseeing ninth grade class play lines,
all the while having swept and mopped my floors, and planned a lovely dinner for four...
These then are the least of which the those,
that have allowed my breath to carry me
well past the threshold of more.
Try reading it out loud, as others have said. You can't help but trip over it.
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