The Blackwood River -edited

[Mopkins]

1st edit
The Blackwood River


I should love to be the river
that sallies through these hills
and reflects the clouds in silver
ripples ridging. Taste the thrills

of growing wide with winter rain,
rolling around the bends,
flirtation with the bracken fern
and bushes as it wends

its way along the tree-lined banks
collecting twigs and leaves
to move downstream. Then with its thanks
murmured amidst the reeds,

it rushes by the boulders, tickling
the pebbles in its path
with bubbling and trickling.
The kookaburras laugh

and perch in overhanging trees,
plunge into its embrace,
emerging with the fish they need.
As the clear waters race

and rush through the verdant valley,
emus come for water
with the kangaroos and joeys,
the river’s banks they wander.

I should love to be the Blackwood
River with its birds and fish,
refreshing anyone I could;
yes, that’ll be my wish.



Original
The Blackwood River


I should love to be the river
that sallies through these hills
and reflects the clouds in silver
ripples ridging. Taste the thrills

of growing wide with winter rain,
rolling around the bends,
flirtation with the bracken fern
and bushes as it wends

and winds its way along the banks
tree-lined, collecting leaves
to move downstream. Then with its thanks
murmured amidst the reeds,

it rushes by the boulders, tickling
the pebbles in its path
with bubbling and trickling,
a noisy streaming bath.

I should love to be the Blackwood
River, (that’ll be my wish)
refreshing anyone I could
and hugging all the fish.

[ChristopherSea]

Nice river-scape Marianne. I think you want a period in place of that comma in that first stanza. It would follow with the capitol ‘Taste’ and give us a breath. You have a three ‘and’ run on between stanzas 2 & 3. You could get rid of that first 'and' in stanza 2 by using ‘flirtation’, couldn’t you (better check your meter though)? I like the alliteration, but wends and winds could be redundant. Your three ‘it’s’ should be ‘its’. I am not certain, but the comma in the close looks like it should go after the parenthetical thought. See what you think. Thanks for sharing your Blackwood River with me./Chris

[Mopkins]

Hi Chris, thanks for the punctuation pointers I don't know where the comma in the last stanza should go, I'll leave it where it is for now. flirtation I'll take, ta muchly. Cheers, Marianne

[SilverMire]

The Blackwood River


I should love to be the river Perhaps consider "I'd"? I think it'd flow better, not seem so forced.
that sallies through these hills
and reflects the clouds in silver
ripples ridging. Taste the thrills

of growing wide with winter rain, I like "growing wide with winter rain", that's a nice image to dwell on right there. I think, "taste the thrills" is a tad forced
rolling around the bends,
flirtation with the bracken fern
and bushes as it wends

and winds its way along the banks I think this would read better without "and winds", despite the meter
tree-lined, collecting leaves
to move downstream. Then with its thanks
murmured amidst the reeds,

it rushes by the boulders, tickling
the pebbles in its path
with bubbling and trickling,
a noisy streaming bath.

I should love to be the Blackwood Same I'd sentiment
River, (that’ll be my wish)
refreshing anyone I could
and hugging all the fish. I don't feel this rhyme gives us closure. Fish feels like an awkward word to finish with. Maybe that's just me

This no doubt has potential. I'd consider revising the strict rhyming - throw in a few slants, like that "rain/fern" sequence, instead perhaps. That's just my taste though.

Hope this helps in some small way

[Mopkins]

Hi Silvermire, thanks for your thoughts on this, much appreciated.

[71degrees]

The Blackwood River


I should love to be the river
that sallies through these hills
and reflects the clouds in silver
ripples ridging. Taste the thrills

of growing wide with winter rain,
rolling around the bends,
flirtation with the bracken fern
and bushes as it wends

and winds its way along the banks
tree-lined, collecting leaves
to move downstream. Then with its thanks
murmured amidst the reeds,

it rushes by the boulders, tickling
the pebbles in its path
with bubbling and trickling,
a noisy streaming bath.

I should love to be the Blackwood
River, (that’ll be my wish)
refreshing anyone I could
and hugging all the fish.

Love geographic poems. If possible, I need to see it or have a reason for it. You're certainly trying. Read Big Two Hearted River / Nick Adams by Hemingway. If you haven't read it, I think you'd enjoy it. You're both after the same mood. "Bath" strikes me as an odd word (forced rhyme?) to use here. Since you ARE the river, why would you bathe in it?

I like the "active" language (e.g. -ing words, you have 10 or so). It makes the river come alive, for sure. Nothing wrong with "I'd" as someone suggests, but contractional usage would take away from the somewhat "older" language that I think you're trying to achieve. A "wishful" personification is a nice idea. Thanks for the read.

[Brownlie]

The Blackwood River


I should love to be the river
that sallies through these hills
and reflects the clouds in silver
ripples ridging. Taste the thrills

of growing wide with winter rain,
rolling around the bends,
flirtation with the bracken fern
and bushes as it wends

and winds its way along the banks
tree-lined, collecting leaves
to move downstream. Then with its thanks
murmured amidst the reeds,

it rushes by the boulders, tickling
the pebbles in its path
with bubbling and trickling,
a noisy streaming bath.

I should love to be the Blackwood
River, (that’ll be my wish)
refreshing anyone I could
and hugging all the fish.

All in all I like this poem, there are a few troachic lines that don't quite fit that scheme but the poem was an enjoyable read.

[Mopkins]

Hi 71degrees, thanks for reading and commenting. Haven't read that story, tho I did read some Hemingway at high school, I'll look for it, thanks for the suggestion. bath is just another descriptor for the river, it's not meant to imply that anyone is currently bathing in it... have to try to make that clearer I guess. Glad you liked it.

Hi Brownlie, thanks for commenting. Still new to learning meter, so I'm not surprised it's a bit off metrically. pleased you liked it.

Marianne

[Caleb Murdock]

I should love to be the Blackwood
River, (that’ll be my wish)
refreshing anyone I could
and hugging all the fish.

This is a nice poem, and I like the fact that you are trying to make the language sound beautiful (not many writers try for beautiful-sounding language these days). I think the poem would be better if you had stronger images in it. Exactly what those should be, though, I couldn't tell you. Right now I'm working on a poem in which I describe a natural scene with lush language, but I don't think I should introduce my own poetry here. You might try mentioning either fish or animals or plants by name.

The final stanza strikes me as weak. It doesn't say much. You want the river to be "refreshing", and the river hugs the fish. Water hugging fish sounds a little strange, frankly.

As for "should/would", decide which meaning you want and then go with that word.

Keep working on the poem. As you do, better language will come to you. If you get frustrated, putting it aside for weeks or months may give you a new perspective.

(I notice that the forum software seems to be working differently.)

[Mopkins]

hi Caleb, thanks for your thoughts on this - your time and effort is appreciated.

The poem originally had another stanza describing native birds fishing and bathing in the river but I got rid of it as it was poorly written. Because of this, it now seems a little brief to me, so I'll think about adding in some more details as you suggest. Water hugging the fish is a bit whimsical, I admit, but I wanted the river to be 'affectionate' towards it's inhabitants, which came out also in the deleted stanza, (the river embraced the diving birds).

As for should/would, I'm sticking with should, I want the poem to sound old, and should sounds older than would, I think.

As for letting it ferment for a while, well, I've done that, I wrote this one about six or so years ago, and am dragging it out for an edit now, with the help of members such as yourself. Thanks for reading and commenting,


Marianne

[Mopkins]

I've posted an edit with a few new stanzas, anyone care to agree with me that I've now ruined it? I think by adding to it, I've lost the focus on the wishful personification of the river. Floundering... any comments appreciated.

[Caleb Murdock]

I've left the forum, but I got a notice about this poem, so I thought I'd take a look.

I think you're heading in the right direction with your revisions. You've got more specific references in the poem, and I prefer your new ending.

I recently had an insight about writing. I used to focus on the beauty of the language. Now, however, I focus like a laser on the message that I'm trying to convey; once I've done that, the language comes more easily. To that end, I'd suggest that you decide what your central message is (in this case that you'd like to be a liver). Once you are sure of your central message, think of the ramifications -- in this case, why you want to be a river, how it would make you feel, what it would do for you, how you would relate to the world, etc. Wanting to be a river is something that I can't personally relate to, but it must have meaning for you or you wouldn't be writing the poem. Focussing on the meaning should help you write the poem.

You may know all this already, of course. I think I'm mentioning it because it's new to me. When I had that insight it helped me to realize why so many of my poems have gone unfished: I wasn't sure of what I was trying to say.

[Mopkins]

I've left the forum, but I got a notice about this poem, so I thought I'd take a look.

I think you're heading in the right direction with your revisions. You've got more specific references in the poem, and I prefer your new ending.

I recently had an insight about writing. I used to focus on the beauty of the language. Now, however, I focus like a laser on the message that I'm trying to convey; once I've done that, the language comes more easily. To that end, I'd suggest that you decide what your central message is (in this case that you'd like to be a liver). Once you are sure of your central message, think of the ramifications -- in this case, why you want to be a river, how it would make you feel, what it would do for you, how you would relate to the world, etc. Wanting to be a river is something that I can't personally relate to, but it must have meaning for you or you wouldn't be writing the poem. Focussing on the meaning should help you write the poem.

You may know all this already, of course. I think I'm mentioning it because it's new to me. When I had that insight it helped me to realize why so many of my poems have gone unfished: I wasn't sure of what I was trying to say.

Thanks for looking in again Caleb, glad you prefer the new ending. I'm not that taken with the new stanzas, the rest of it is fairly alliterative, but the new stanzas don't seem very musical to me.

I usually have a point or observation in mind when I'm writing, but I sometimes lose focus, and what I wanted to say gets lost in verbiage. I think you're right to first focus on the message and leave the language to follow.

Thanks for your comments and encouragement, Marianne