control

[RSaba]

Been browsing my older stuff and found this short one- it's basically just about writing poetry into the wee hours of the morning. Feedback appreciated- take it apart!

control - Version 3 (thanks to Todd and Erthona)

2:50 a.m.
the words come
crookedly, but at least they're there
and i bow down to the darkness
of 2:51 a.m.
for giving me some semblance
of reign over the light
in the form of letters, but still
something shines
at this time of the night
or the morning, the power
of being there when the numbers change
it feels like control
2:52 a.m.
the words just dance
and i am a puppeteer

control -Version 2 (Thanks all for edits)

2:50 a.m.
the words just flow
crookedly, but at least they're there
and i bow down to the darkness
of 2:52 a.m.
for giving me some semblance
of light
in the form of letters, perhaps
but still, something shines
at this time of the night
or the morning, the power
of being there when the numbers change
it feels like control
2:52 a.m.
the words just dance
and i am a puppeteer


control Original Version

2:50 a.m. and the words just flow
crookedly, but at least they're there
and i bow down to the darkness
for giving me some semblance
of light
in the form of letters, perhaps
but still, something shines
at this time of the night
or the morning, the power
of being there when the numbers change
it feels like control
2:52 a.m. and the words just dance
and i am a puppeteer

[Brownlie]

Been browsing my older stuff and found this short one- it's basically just about writing poetry into the wee hours of the morning. Feedback appreciated- take it apart!

I'll give some feedback that I say you should either take or leave.

control
There are a lot of words like and, and the which may make the piece more verbose than it needs to be.
2:50 a.m. and the words just flow
crookedly, but at least they're there-- This is a good transition into the next line.
and i bow down to the darkness
for giving me some semblance
of light
in the form of letters, perhaps
but still, something shines
at this time of the night
or the morning, the power
of being there when the numbers change
it feels like control
2:52 a.m. and the words just dance
and i am a puppeteer

A running current in what I've seen with what you've written is a sort of building momentum which works well. Unfortunately, I'm just a dried out toss pot so that's the best I can do for now.

[rowens]

2:50 a.m. and the words just flow
crookedly, but at least they're there

crookedly is an interesting word. It can mean so many things at once. Crooked. It says a lot, but sometimes occurs to you too simply.

and i bow down to the darkness

But crookedly and bow down are nice together.


for giving me some semblance
of light
in the form of letters, perhaps
but still, something shines
at this time of the night
or the morning, the power

Those parts stand out and work.


of being there when the numbers change
it feels like control
2:52 a.m. and the words just dance
and i am a puppeteer

The control is crooked. It has a charm.

[RSaba]

Thank you Brownlie and rowens- glad the words I chose at 2:50 am work!

[Brownlie]

Thank you Brownlie and rowens- glad the words I chose at 2:50 am work!

Ok, I see you were just getting in the zone.

[71degrees]

Been browsing my older stuff and found this short one- it's basically just about writing poetry into the wee hours of the morning. Feedback appreciated- take it apart!

control

2:50 a.m. and the words just flow
crookedly, but at least they're there
and i bow down to the darkness
for giving me some semblance
of light
in the form of letters, perhaps
but still, something shines
at this time of the night
or the morning, the power
of being there when the numbers change
it feels like control
2:52 a.m. and the words just dance
and i am a puppeteer

I'm a minimalist at heart so would love for you to take all the "and's" out (e.g. 2:52 Words flow
crookedly, but at least they're there) Something like that.

And where's 2:51? Wouldn't mind this split into three sub-poems of a minute per. Not knowing how you read your stuff, these are just suggestions…maybe all the extra words fit your voice / style. But I'm telling ya', those last two sentences would like "nice" pared down.

Nice read. Nice poem. Reads like you might be exercising. Love a word like "puppeteer" to end. What would you think of marionette? Much more specific. Just a thought.

[RSaba]

Thanks 71degrees- you're right! Somehow 2:51 am got lost in the mix. I'll give it a rewrite. Much appreciated!

[Todd]

Hi, a couple minor things that stood out to me

control -Version 2 (Thanks all for edits)

2:50 a.m.
the words just flow--just feels like an unneeded throwaway here and at the end.
crookedly, but at least they're there
and i bow down to the darkness
of 2:52 a.m.
for giving me some semblance
of light--while I like how these last four lines read I wonder if they are too at odds with your title--I realize there's some irony in it, but the speaker approaches the moment as a supplicant. I'm probably not making much sense
in the form of letters, perhaps--The hesitation seems a bit much. I'd be tempted to cut perhaps and pull up "but still"
but still, something shines
at this time of the night
or the morning, the power
of being there when the numbers change
it feels like control--This is an interesting idea sort of like an anorexia of time.
2:52 a.m.
the words just dance
and i am a puppeteer

[ChristopherSea]

Thanks 71degrees- you're right! Somehow 2:51 am got lost in the mix. I'll give it a rewrite. Much appreciated!

Your clock is still not working: ya got two 2:52's.

[RSaba]

Thanks Todd- edit #3 coming up. Really helpful feedback.

And thanks Christopher... I'll hide in my corner and pretend I know how to count.

[Erthona]

I didn't look through all of this to know what has been said, but would you consider using "come" instead of "flow". "...the words just come." I don't know if it is just on this site or other places, but "flow" seems to be overused. Plus it creates some nice alliteration.


Dale