I Shall Not Get Drunk Today

[Erthona]

.

I shall not get drunk today,
I have no money anyway,
still half week before pay day,
and as I open up the frig,
I spy behind the lemon fizz,
just one small and tiny beer,
pretending it’s not even there,
“I’m invisible," it seems to say.
No, I shall not get drunk today.

There’s yard work that I need do,
a big pile of doggie poo,
tools left by… I don’t know who.
Opening the garage door,
I see messy messes galore,
sitting there upon the floor,
today I think I won’t be bored,
and in my will I will not sway.
No, I shall not get drunk today.

I’m going good, worked up a sweat,
though I’m not nearly half done yet,
but soon I think, yes soon I’ll bet.
Overheated, yes I think,
a glass of water from the sink,
opening the frig I say “Oh dear!”
Without a pal, there is that beer,
friends he needs to make him cheer’,
so to the store I’ll make my way.
“By God, I shall get drunk today!”



This isn't worth a serious work-shopping, but there is plenty wrong with it. Poor thing, needs someone's help. Inspired by the poem of the day(though not nearly so good), "Ballade of Suicide" by G. K. Chesterton. His is in five, mine barely makes four.

–Erthona

©2014

[Brownlie]

.
Well, I definitely think you're operating under your abilities on this one, but it's always fun to critique a little bit.

I shall not get drunk today,
I haven’t the money anyway,
a half week before pay day, -- The rhyme is very sing-songy which can be worked with I suppose if you want to take a simple piece and do something crazy with it.
and as I open up the frig,
I spy behind the lemon fizz,
just one small and tiny beer,
pretending it’s not even there,
“I’m invisible it seems to say.”
No, I shall not get drunk today.

There’s yard work that I need do,
a big pile of doggie poo, -- I think the poem begins to err when it results to being lazy to fix the meter.
tools left by… I don’t know who. -- A tool is one of those higher levels of abstraction, but there is room to work with that on a rewrite.
When I open the garage door,
I see messy messes here galore, -- Messy messes is really pretty bad.
sitting there upon the floor,
today I think I won’t be bored,
and in my will I will not sway.
No, I shall not get drunk today.

I’m going good, worked up a sweat,
though I’m not nearly half done yet,
but soon I think, yes soon I’ll bet.
Overheated, yes I think,
a glass of water from the sink,
opening the frig I say “Oh dear!”
Without a pal, there is that beer,
friends he needs to make him cheer’,
so to the store I’ll make my way.
“God damn! I shall get drunk today!”




This isn't worth a serious work-shopping, but there is plenty wrong with it. Poor thing, needs someone's help. Inspired by the poem of the day(though not nearly so good), "Ballade of Suicide" by G. K. Chesterton. His is in five, mine barely makes four.

–Erthona

©2014

Well, you've got a somewhat simple poem with very lazy meter and a somewhat corny set of rhymes, but there is a clear narrative which is more then I can say for some of the things I've written. This would be a fun source for a rewrite.

[Erthona]

"Messy messes is really pretty bad."

Yeah, I knew that when I wrote it. Any suggestion are gratefully received.
________________________________________________________________
"a big pile of doggie poo, -- I think the poem begins to err when it results to being lazy to fix the meter."

I probably should have mention that this is in accentual verse, not metrical. Sorry about that.

I could have written it: the BIGest PILE of DOGgie POO. But that kind of throws off the first line.
__________________________________________________________________

"The rhyme is very sing-songy which can be worked with I suppose if you want to take a simple piece and do something crazy with it."

No, that was intentional, I like that line. I don't mind dropping into Seuss rhyme on occasion, I think it's fun. But we'll see what other people think, but in a non-serious poem, I'm fine with it.

Thanks,


Dale

.

[Brownlie]

"Messy messes is really pretty bad."

Yeah, I knew that when I wrote it. Any suggestion are gratefully received.
________________________________________________________________
"a big pile of doggie poo, -- I think the poem begins to err when it results to being lazy to fix the meter."

I probably should have mention that this is in accentual verse, not metrical. Sorry about that.

I could have written it: the BIGest PILE of DOGgie POO. But that kind of throws off the first line.
__________________________________________________________________

"The rhyme is very sing-songy which can be worked with I suppose if you want to take a simple piece and do something crazy with it."

No, that was intentional, I like that line. I don't mind dropping into Seuss rhyme on occasion, I think it's fun. But we'll see what other people think, but in a non-serious poem, I'm fine with it.

Thanks

Why not try Anapestic Tetrameter?

[Erthona]

Well maybe anapest with two feet of iambs. That would fit the first line.

i shall NOT get DRUNK toDAY. Can you change the first stanza into that or something else?


dale

[Brownlie]

Well maybe anapest with two feet of iambs. That would fit the first line.

i shall NOT get DRUNK toDAY. Can you change the first stanza into that or something else?


dale

Perhaps this would work, but I'm not so sure. It was a good exercise anyway.

I shall not take a drink I shall not take a day
And imbibe with a sipping the sunlight away

---

Well maybe anapest with two feet of iambs. That would fit the first line.

i shall NOT get DRUNK toDAY. Can you change the first stanza into that or something else?


dale

Perhaps this would work, but I'm not so sure. It was a good exercise anyway.

I shall not take a drink I shall not take a day
And imbibe with a sipping the sunlight away

or this,
I shall not take a drink and get drunk on this day

[Erthona]

"or this, I shall not take a drink and get drunk on this day" Seems a little stiff Plus I don't think that is in meter. Thanks for trying.


dale

[ellajam]

Hey Dale, a few notes. I have to run so I haven't checked all the accents, mostly just wanted to mention quote typo and shall. Later

.

I shall not get drunk today,
I haven’t the money anyway, I have no money anyway?
a half week before pay day, still half a week before payday?
and as I open up the frig,
I spy behind the lemon fizz,
just one small and tiny beer,
pretending it’s not even there,
“I’m invisible it seems to say.” “I’m invisible," it seems to say.
No, I shall not get drunk today.
I really like that tiny beer, and all of the above. "Will" instead of "shall"would ground the poem. Shall sounds more full of it to me, which may be why you chose it.


There’s yard work that I need do,
a big pile of doggie poo,
tools left by… I don’t know who.
When I open the garage door,
I see messy messes here galore, I don't know what you where thinking with messy messes.
sitting there upon the floor,
today I think I won’t be bored, I like this, as if boredom was the reason for drinking.
and in my will I will not sway.
No, I shall not get drunk today.

I’m going good, worked up a sweat,
though I’m not nearly half done yet,
but soon I think, yes soon I’ll bet.
Overheated, yes I think,
a glass of water from the sink,
opening the frig I say “Oh dear!”
Without a pal, there is that beer,
friends he needs to make him cheer’,
so to the store I’ll make my way.
“God damn! I shall get drunk today!”




This isn't worth a serious work-shopping, but there is plenty wrong with it. Poor thing, needs someone's help. Inspired by the poem of the day(though not nearly so good), "Ballade of Suicide" by G. K. Chesterton. His is in five, mine barely makes four.

–Erthona

©2014

[ChristopherSea]

Dale, It's pretty amusing. I see the irony in calling it a small beer, but the line: 'just one small and tiny beer' seems redundant and a stretch for meter. Perhaps there's a better adjective to pair with tiny. At first, '...messy messes here galore' had a similar lame superfluous reach, but I actually laughed out-loud, so I like it. Perhaps a comma after 'my will'. I like the paradox of not taking that last beer, but going to get more to keep it company, just to drink them all anyway. This should be in the for fun forum, but I am glad that you are up to editing it.

[Erthona]

Chris,

Well I could use "tinny tiny".

Ah, one for "messy messes". It stays alive by the skin of it's teeth!

If I posted it in the for fun forum (nice alliteration there), no one would do my work for me.

Thanks for the look see.

Dale
______________________________________________________________________

ella not a fellow,

Thank you for your suggestion I will incorporate all of them henceforth, and forthwith! Or at least in the next edit.

xoxoxo,

Dale

[Thoughtjotter]

.

I shall not get drunk today,----(if it ain't serious,)only 99 bottles of beer in the fridge;
I haven’t the money anyway,
a half week before pay day,---and only 98 bottles of beer in the fridge;
and as I open up the frig,
I spy behind the lemon fizz,
just one small and tiny beer,---with 97 bottles of beer in the fridge;
pretending it’s not even there,
“I’m invisible it seems to say.”
No, I shall not get drunk today. who's next?

There’s yard work that I need do,
a big pile of doggie poo,
tools left by… I don’t know who.
When I open the garage door,
I see messy messes here galore,-- could be a sign of a GREAT Poet; to create a virgin cliche "messy messes here galore"
sitting there upon the floor,
today I think I won’t be bored,
and in my will I will not sway.
No, I shall not get drunk today.

I’m going good, worked up a sweat,
though I’m not nearly half done yet,
but soon I think, yes soon I’ll bet.
Overheated, yes I think,
a glass of water from the sink,
opening the frig I say “Oh dear!”
Without a pal, there is that beer,
friends he needs to make him cheer’,
so to the store I’ll make my way.
“God damn! I shall get drunk today!”




This isn't worth a serious work-shopping, but there is plenty wrong with it. Poor thing, needs someone's help. Inspired by the poem of the day(though not nearly so good), "Ballade of Suicide" by G. K. Chesterton. His is in five, mine barely makes four.

–Erthona

©2014

I have read Your more serious poems and will endeavor to learn enough to offer worthy feedback. Until that time, I appreciate this lighter side of the wonderful world of poetry.
When I am down to my last beer, consider it yours,
R T

[LorettaYoung]

.

I shall not get drunk today,
I haven’t the money anyway,
a half week before pay day,
and as I open up the frig,
I spy behind the lemon fizz,
just one small and tiny beer,
pretending it’s not even there,
“I’m invisible it seems to say.”
No, I shall not get drunk today.

There’s yard work that I need do,
a big pile of doggie poo,
tools left by… I don’t know who.
When I open the garage door,
I see messy messes here galore,
sitting there upon the floor,
today I think I won’t be bored,
and in my will I will not sway.
No, I shall not get drunk today.

I’m going good, worked up a sweat,
though I’m not nearly half done yet,
but soon I think, yes soon I’ll bet.
Overheated, yes I think,
a glass of water from the sink,
opening the frig I say “Oh dear!”
Without a pal, there is that beer,
friends he needs to make him cheer’,
so to the store I’ll make my way.
“God damn! I shall get drunk today!”




This isn't worth a serious work-shopping, but there is plenty wrong with it. Poor thing, needs someone's help. Inspired by the poem of the day(though not nearly so good), "Ballade of Suicide" by G. K. Chesterton. His is in five, mine barely makes four.

–Erthona

©2014

---

OK, a pathetic try:
Line 2: Don't have the money anyway, haven't throws off rhythm
line 3; Half week....before pay day seems forced
line 4 and is unnecessary; too many words
A tiny beer pretending it's not here-combine lines
there's roadwork I need to do (no that)
Opening garage and messes can be one line
sitting on the floor unnecessary
Last stanza; too wordy; feels contrived: rhymes like "make my way", I though he was broke; why's he going to the store if the bear is in the fridge

[Erthona]

"why's he going to the store if the bear is in the fridge "

well it's a charity case you see, he felt sorry for the poor lonely beer, so he went to the store to get him some friends, thus justifying the expense. What's a bounced check between friends? OK payday advance. I don't know, ask the drunk guy!

"Last stanza; too wordy; feels contrived"

I would disagree, the whole poem is wordy and contrived, it is no less than a contrived poem, but the point it, it is no more!

Thank you for your comments, I will refer to them when editing. I appreciate the time you took to look over it.

Dale

---

Thoughtjotter,

Sorry, didn't see your comment up there.

"could be a sign of a GREAT Poet; to create a virgin cliche "messy messes here galore""

I'll take that as a "aye" vote for "messy messes here galore"!


Appreciate your comments and taking the time to give it a read.


Best,


Dale

[Anonymous]

When I read this in my head I liked the jolly feel it provoked, especially those last two lines.

The messy messes line needs rewriting obviously as others pointed out.

One thing I really liked was where you implied most people get drunk out of boredom-- which is very true, because if we were satisfied, there would be no real need to get intoxicated, other than to just get intoxicated.

I think you should say, "I'm invisible, it seems to BADE." I just think that adds further foreshadowing to the ending.

[Erthona]

Anonymous,

I would thank you for your comments, but I don't know who you are...just kidding. Thanks for giving it a read.

Dale