Untitled

[poe]

I don't feel that I exist
I feel like the slipped disc of a
solar eclipse
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone,
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist

[heslopian]

I don't feel that I exist Could a comma go here?
I feel like the slipped disc of a
solar eclipse Amusing pun, and quite evocative.
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone, I think "alone" should come after "left", but this is an elegant and powerful line. Also, is the comma needed?
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist

The poem could use a few more unique images, but it's a quite nicely written little verse about (I assume) isolation and sadness. Thank you for the read

[Caleb Murdock]

I don't feel that I exist
I feel like the slipped disc of a
solar eclipse
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone,
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist

This is an interesting take on "I think, therefore I am". It's succinct and has compelling images, good alliteration and good internal rhyme. I love the fourth line, and I like the "alas". The poem makes its point very capably. I definitely like this poem. It's similar to something that I would have written when I was younger and writing in free verse, and I can really relate to it.

[billy]

hi tony. not sure the first line works too well as the 2nd sort of contradicts it. i'd suggest starting on the 2nd line. it was hard for me to make darkness groan in the context given.

thanks for the read.

I don't feel that I exist
I feel like the slipped disc of a
solar eclipse
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone,
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist

---

i forgot to add...give it a title specially with such a short poem,

[ellajam]

Hi, Tony. I especially like slipped disc/solar eclipse/I persist. Here are a few notes.

I'd like a title.

I don't feel that I exist
I feel like the slipped disc of a You may want to reconsider the triple "feel".
solar eclipse
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone, I don't know that you need "but because".
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist

I'd prefer more punctuation, or with some rearranging none at all.

Nice read, thanks.

[LorettaYoung]

I don't feel that I exist
I feel like the slipped disc of a
solar eclipse
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone,
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist

The only thing, a novice like myself could see, is a comma between disc and of in third line. Otherwise, very clever, like it.

[poe]

Thanks for all your critiques. This is an old poem, I think @1989. I've added more punctuation. And also removed one of the three "feels". Thanks again. I dunno, is it better? Still searching for a title. Right now the only thing I can think of is, Stand.
TS



Stand

I don't want to exist.
I feel like the slipped disc of a
solar eclipse.
But, because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone,
I feel the painful sting.
Which means, alas,
that I persist.




Original:


Untitled

I don't feel that i exist
I feel like the slipped disc of a solar eclipse
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone,
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist

[shemthepenman]

hello,

this is an interesting little poem.
the long hanging 4th line looks ugly. I would like to break it after 'groans'.
I would also remove 'painful' because stings are rarely painless, and it just sounds better without it.
the revised first line is much better than the original, which was just confusing.
the title 'stand' is as good as any i suppose. But it is a little too abstract. I would tentatively suggest 'I persist' as a title. Or something like that. Because it gives it a positive quality in contrast to the (let's face it) moaning (bordering on emo) sense of the rest.
thanks for sharing.

[billy]

i agree with shem [on the break at groans]
i don't think the line break on the slipped disc line helps any as it feels unnatural when read aloud.
and i'd reinforce ellajams point about not needing [but because]

[poe]

i agree with shem [on the break at groans]
i don't think the line break on the slipped disc line helps any as it feels unnatural when read aloud.
and i'd reinforce ellajams point about not needing [but because]

Stand

I don't want to exist!
I feel like the slipped disc of a solar eclipse.
But since the darkness groans like someone left too long alone.
I often feel the sting,
which means, alas,
that I persist.


This is the result of some changes made after considering your critiques. Thank you for your time. I'd like to know what you think.

[HitchBitch]

"I don't feel that I exist" could be more subtle. Maybe phrase it as a question?

Because the last three lines answer that question.

[RSaba]

I agree that that one long line looks funny in the middle of the poem- but I also think that it reads just fine. The internal rhyming makes it work, and breaking up that long line would make the poem sound weaker when read.
Also, not a fan of using exclamation marks in poetry, since I think the words should convey the excitement/emotion that exclamation marks represent.
Other than that, I really appreciate all the editing you've done, and I like this poem a lot. It makes you think. Great write.

[rowens]

I don't feel that I exist
I feel like the slipped disc of a
solar eclipse
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone,
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist




To tear the ordinary, everyday stuff out of your poem, the things in bold could be cut and punctuation rearranged. If that leaves you with little of a poem, it's just something to think about adding to.

[Erthona]

An old theme, but done well, for the most part. You already have any suggestion I might make.

Dale

[SuicidalBlueJay]

I don't feel that I exist
I feel like the slipped disc of a
solar eclipse
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone,
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist

Hmmm. I'm new to poetry so I'm hesitant to be harsh on poems. I like your poem because I can relate to the pain of existence. At least I get that sort of vibe from your poem. cheerio then!

[tectak]

quote='SuicidalBlueJay' pid='164431' dateline='1399860872']

I don't feel that I exist
I feel like the slipped disc of a
solar eclipse
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone,
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist

Hmmm. I'm new to poetry so I'm hesitant to be harsh on poems. I like your poem because I can relate to the pain of existence. At least I get that sort of vibe from your poem. cheerio then!
[/quote]
Suicidal, no one is remotely interested in your declared pristine state with which you prefix almost all of "critiques". Please comment ON THE POEM. The writer wants to hear your views on the work, and not interested in starting a creche for the cringeworthy. Your opinion, regardless of how you may feel about yourself, matters. ANYONE can comment on rhythm, word use or the success or otherwise that poets attain in expressing themselves. Try it.

[poe]

I agree that that one long line looks funny in the middle of the poem- but I also think that it reads just fine. The internal rhyming makes it work, and breaking up that long line would make the poem sound weaker when read.
Also, not a fan of using exclamation marks in poetry, since I think the words should convey the excitement/emotion that exclamation marks represent.
Other than that, I really appreciate all the editing you've done, and I like this poem a lot. It makes you think. Great write.

RSaba,
You are absolutely right about the exclamation point. It goes.
Thanks,
P