Posts: 18
Threads: 3
Joined: May 2014
Hello.
the first stanza is great, but we will work together to make it even Better.
in the (parenthesizes) I am making a suggestion in the language that fits. okay?
"It is only when your ?your eyes, or hers? eyes can't see,
Dreams come to (life)
? what are the dreams? Good Dreams or Bad?
Elation or grief follows
(Upon waking)
Also who is she? mother, grandmother, lover?
Once and a while (she prays)
(to swap other emotion of sanity and reprieve)
(dragged) do you mean drugged? or not,
(It is her choice)
so I helped like this:
It is only when she cant see
That dreams come to life
Elation or grief surly follow
Upon waking
Once and a while she prays
To swap other emotions
Of sanity and reprieve
Drugged? or not
Her emotions are her own
*
I could imagine the person written about, while asleep does not feel pain
that when darkness of the unconscious overcomes there is no stress.
and yet it all returns upon waking.
I wish I had a sense of who "she" is and why she is so tormented
I hope I helped. Don't stop writing because English is your second language, it is very difficult and you are very brave to seek assistance here. We will continue to help you. Good job!
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-05-2014, 04:27 AM)Celestina Waters Wrote: Hello.
the first stanza is great, but we will work together to make it even Better.
in the (parenthesizes) I am making a suggestion in the language that fits. okay?
"It is only when your ?your eyes, or hers? eyes can't see,
Dreams come to (life)
? what are the dreams? Good Dreams or Bad?
Elation or grief follows
(Upon waking)
Also who is she? mother, grandmother, lover?
Once and a while (she prays)
(to swap other emotion of sanity and reprieve)
(dragged) do you mean drugged? or not,
(It is her choice)
so I helped like this:
It is only when she cant see can't
That dreams come to life
Elation or grief surly follow surely
Upon waking
Once and a while she prays once in a while
To swap other emotions
Of sanity and reprieve
Drugged? or not
Her emotions are her own
*
I could imagine the person written about, while asleep does not feel pain
that when darkness of the unconscious overcomes there is no stress.
and yet it all returns upon waking.
I wish I had a sense of who "she" is and why she is so tormented
I hope I helped. Don't stop writing because English is your second language, it is very difficult and you are very brave to seek assistance here. We will continue to help you. Good job!
....and very well done to you for your selfless assistance. You are an example to us all.
tectak
